스크립트
00:00:00Hello, friends. I'm bringing a brand new live show across the UK and Ireland this October.
00:00:05It's stories, psychology, audience Q&As, and whatever happens when thousands of overthinkers
00:00:09voluntarily leave the house and end up in the same room together. I'd love to see you there.
00:00:12The last tour completely sold out, so make sure that you snag tickets now using the link in the
00:00:17description or heading to chriswilliamson.live. Dublin's already sold out. Loads of venues are
00:00:22limited. Tickets are very limited, so get yours now. chriswilliamson.live. You're great. Your work
00:00:27is fantastic. You rule. Thank you. If I was to try and summarize your worldview on relationships,
00:00:38allow me to step into your skin and wear it for a second, I would summarize it as love by design,
00:00:45not desire. Is that a fair, like it's thought not felt as relationships, that design versus desire
00:00:52thing? How far away am I? I think I prefer earned love, earned love on a daily basis by knowing how to
00:01:01hack the brain, the neuroendocrine system, which we can talk about, by, you know, designing the
00:01:10relationship to protect feelings, to enhance feelings, to allow two different people under stress,
00:01:21to maintain a collaborative and cooperative attitude. That is a hard get because that takes a certain
00:01:30amount of planning, predicting and planning and preparing what could go wrong between human beings.
00:01:35Why are romantic attachment relationships neurochemically so hard to navigate?
00:01:43Well, they're hard because in the attachment world, if you, if you understand or buy the idea of a
00:01:52primary attachment relationship, the primary attachment relationship is one that is, tends to be dyadic with human
00:02:00primates. We pair bond in herds. And the romantic adult primary attachment relationship is most like the
00:02:09earliest one, which is predicated on survival. So the attachment system is actually an existential, you know, glue that holds us together. It's the, I can't quit you biology.
00:02:22We confuse it for love. And because it goes back to the earliest, you know, survival relationship, that's why breaking up also is hard to do. That's why it has a very long memory, because it reminds us of that earliest dependency relationship, whereas other relationships tend to not do that.
00:02:43So we're reliving our relationships. So we're reliving our relationships, how we felt with all of these important originals that we were around, in this relationship that we call a romantic adult relationship. But it is 12 and before. That is generally how I will think of it, is that we have the parents in our heads that we had around 12 and before.
00:03:13Before that time, even if our parents, and they do changed a great deal for the better, uh, or for the worst, we still draw upon the, that earliest, uh, you know, because that's the root of our experience through thousands upon thousands of interactions starting from infancy post, you know, so powerful.
00:03:35Is love enough to maintain a relationship?
00:03:40Absolutely not.
00:03:40No feeling is, uh, because feelings come and go. And besides, uh, who knows what your definition of love is? It may be very different than mine.
00:03:55And even if I were to describe my definition of love in action, my expectations of love may be quite different than what I say.
00:04:04So there you already have a problem, but if you're basing your life on emotion, which is like a rollercoaster and your life is like a rollercoaster.
00:04:14So I, I think the smartest and the wisest and the way that it's always worked in terms of long-term relationships between individuals of equal power, adults, uh, is that, uh, you have to have first a shared purpose, a reason for being in this relationship, not based on feelings.
00:04:36And a vision of where are we headed? What's the end point? Are we ride or die? Is it all the way till, you know, I'm wiping your butt? Uh, you're wiping my butt in old age? Uh, you know, what, where are we headed? Um, and why? What's the point of us? Who or what do we serve?
00:04:55The only purpose that's based on selfish reason will carry the day because we're too, uh, unreliable as a species.
00:05:05Um, our species is, uh, notably historically moody and fickle and impulsive and, uh, unpredictable, sometimes opportunistic, warlike, uh, xenophobic, um, easily influenced by groups and other people.
00:05:23So we're, we're not great over the long run, uh, in unions.
00:05:29Therefore we have to, uh, uh, account for going through time together and that would be going through some changes.
00:05:36So we need an invention. We need a design from the ground up, which is a made up thing, right? All relationships are made up.
00:05:45That would sustain us in the long run and would account for all of that wiggle room necessary as we change through time.
00:05:53Right. Otherwise, uh, we're gonna, you know, we're not gonna make it somehow.
00:05:59Um, that's issue one. Uh, issue two is we have to understand the forces that push us around, namely our survival instinct because it's always on.
00:06:09And because this relationship is unlike any other on the planet because of its memory.
00:06:16Uh, most like that earliest one based on survival.
00:06:20Uh, uh, it has a long memory and we tend to be proxies for everybody who came before, right?
00:06:26We tend to, it's a very projective system.
00:06:29The chances of us accruing threat memory by getting things wrong based on memory and appraisal is a hundred percent.
00:06:39And so if we're not really good at knowing and understanding how to minimize threat and stay collaborative under the most stress and pressure, we're going to accrue threat memory, which is a biological matter and eventually takes people down.
00:06:57So you're saying we need to respect the biology by in advance having structures in place, uh, and principles that keep guardrails in so that we're not relying on the, uh, ebbs and flows of how we feel.
00:07:16Like any other, any other union of any kind that's professional of any kind.
00:07:23We plan on our devils, not our angels, right?
00:07:26Couples plan on their angels.
00:07:28And that's a big mistake.
00:07:29Cause what does that mean?
00:07:31Devils we are.
00:07:32If the opportunity arises, if we're under enough load bearing, if we're in enough pain or enough pressure, enough stress, again, emotions, I, you know, if I'm going to behave according to how I feel, which is pretty much everybody on the planet.
00:07:45Most late then, uh, it stands to reason that we're going to have a hard time getting along.
00:07:53Right.
00:07:54And so, uh, this, this just has to do with predicting what could go wrong and planning for it ahead of time instead of just falling into it, which is what couples always do.
00:08:05Right.
00:08:06Yeah.
00:08:06Couples don't predict plan and prepare for what could go wrong based on what has gone wrong.
00:08:11Nobody else does that medicine.
00:08:13We do, uh, postmortems.
00:08:15Right.
00:08:16Let's not kill the patient again.
00:08:18Uh, and, but couples don't do that.
00:08:20They just repeat, repeat.
00:08:21Uh, we predict what could go wrong in the police force, in military, in medicine, in science, in business.
00:08:30Couples don't do that.
00:08:31They just walk into the same situations live without being prepared.
00:08:35Uh, we would never, uh, involve, uh, get involved with a group of people if we didn't know what the culture was and how are we going to be protected from each other?
00:08:45Cause we're animals.
00:08:47Cause we're animals.
00:08:48Couples don't have any, any governance, any way of protecting each other from each other.
00:08:52Cause they don't set it up.
00:08:53So couples are the only system, only voluntary system of free, fair, you know, volunteer system, uh, of individuals coming together, um, of equal power and authority, at least on the face of it.
00:09:08It should be on based on terms and conditions that do not have any of this ever.
00:09:15And, uh, and that is why they're predicted not to last very long, or if they do one or both people are not going to be happy.
00:09:24We're not going to feel safe and secure because there's no social contract, uh, system of making agreements, uh, based on purpose, based on what is good.
00:09:36What is good?
00:09:38So say you both, we both.
00:09:39Right.
00:09:40What is best?
00:09:41So say we both.
00:09:42Or what, you know, is right.
00:09:44Those are the three.
00:09:46And without that, it's going to be the wild ones.
00:09:50Does that mean that discussing non-negotiables and practical things in advance and as early as possible is actually the romantic thing to do?
00:09:58It's not, you don't put that into the, hey, honey, let's go out to dinner and have a nice, uh, romantic dinner and everything.
00:10:04And let's talk about, uh, if we have any deal breakers.
00:10:07Um, you could, I guess it's not, you know, it's dual purpose, but, uh, deal breaker is, should be known ahead of time.
00:10:17Um, I want a baby.
00:10:19I have to have a baby.
00:10:21You hate kids.
00:10:22And let's get married.
00:10:24So that is what people do.
00:10:27And that's like, not smart because that can't work.
00:10:30I want monogamy and you want polyamory.
00:10:33Well, neither of us are wrong.
00:10:34We have a right to want what we want and get what we want, but we can't do business together because that's going to cause a lot of trouble.
00:10:41So those are deal breakers.
00:10:44Big ticket items that couldn't work because we're pointing in two different directions.
00:10:49Having a specific shared purpose and vision is still important outside of deal breakers.
00:10:56I have to imagine.
00:10:57So if you look, if you look at the human condition and, and how people have sustained in groups, uh, groups don't stay together very long or they don't get along with each other very well.
00:11:10If they don't have a shared purpose for being together, you and I are going to start a band.
00:11:15That's our purpose.
00:11:16We want to start a band.
00:11:17We want to, what, what is our goal or vision?
00:11:20Uh, we want to get a record deal at least initially.
00:11:24So if we didn't have that, we wouldn't have reason to hang together very much.
00:11:29And we would probably not get along because we tend to pick at each other if we don't have a shared purpose, right?
00:11:35Uh, that's if we're, you know, spending a lot of time together.
00:11:39And a shared reason for doing this.
00:11:41Otherwise we tend to other rise.
00:11:43We tend to pick at each other's differences.
00:11:46We don't, uh, we don't look naturally to where we agree and where we are the same.
00:11:52People who are consensus makers have to do that.
00:11:55But at the average Joe, because of energy conservation, meaning.
00:12:00Uh, you know, we're meant to do the least amount necessary biologically, all living things.
00:12:06Um, we're lazy and we won't do things that we should do because we don't think we have to.
00:12:13So, uh, uh, this whole idea of, you know, we're in it to win it.
00:12:18Uh, you know, we're a survival team.
00:12:21Uh, we want to win.
00:12:22We want to make money.
00:12:23We want to succeed.
00:12:24We want to survive.
00:12:25Uh, um, all of these things are essential for keeping things on, keeping people on the path together and, and not paying attention so much to their differences.
00:12:37Otherwise we fight.
00:12:38And when it happens in a country such as ours, that's when we see civil war or tribalization or a massive amount of splintering.
00:12:47Right.
00:12:47Cause there's no more centralized sense of purpose that holds us together.
00:12:53That's believable.
00:12:54And, uh, and a vision, an American dream.
00:12:56Right.
00:12:58And so if things break down, uh, so if that is true with all systems, large and small, it goes to follow that a couple would be no different.
00:13:07If they have no shared reason for being at any given time, they're going to fight, uh, or they'll drift because that's what holds us together.
00:13:16What's the importance of agreements?
00:13:19Uh, that's all we've got to keep us from, uh, being harmful to each other.
00:13:23All we have is our packs, our agreements, our social contracts, uh, civilizations predicated on social contracts.
00:13:31Um, uh, the first laws of religion, even though it was a social contract with God, an Old Testament God that would reign in your bedroom 40 days, 40 nights if you disobeyed, you know, that was a powerful thing to get people to start to behave.
00:13:45That was the first way of getting people to stop, uh, harming each other, um, with the 10 commandments.
00:13:52Right.
00:13:53So everything is predicated on agreements.
00:13:56Otherwise we, we go to war.
00:13:58We do harm.
00:14:00Um, uh, you know, worse.
00:14:02Like I said, we're selfish, self-centered, uh, uh, opportunistic animals.
00:14:07If we can get away with something, we will that's, uh, that's in our DNA.
00:14:12Only norms and laws and principles and rules, uh, keep us from doing that and allow us to stay together in safety and harmony.
00:14:22Otherwise we wouldn't.
00:14:23No difference with a couple.
00:14:25So they have to come up with this as well.
00:14:27In other news, have you ever noticed how some websites make it ridiculously easy to buy while some feel infinitely harder?
00:14:33Back in my day, I had to walk 10 miles to the local store.
00:14:37Aren't you younger than me?
00:14:38Yeah, but my dad got a DUI.
00:14:41Anyway, the reality is most businesses just get the website wrong.
00:14:45And if your setup is messy, you lose a ton of sales, which is why I'm such a massive fan of Shopify.
00:14:51They power 10% of all e-commerce in the United States, including brands like Gymshark, Skims, Aloe, and Newtonic.
00:14:59Because when it comes to converting browsers into buyers, they are best in class.
00:15:02Their checkout is 36% better on average compared to other platforms.
00:15:06And with ShopPay, it can boost conversions by 50%.
00:15:08So upgrade your business and get the exact same checkout that we use at Newtonic with Shopify.
00:15:13You can sign up for a free trial period by going to the link in the description below or heading to shopify.com/modernwisdom.
00:15:20That's shopify.com/modernwisdom.
00:15:23Why do we make the fundamental agreement to prioritize each other above everything else at all times?
00:15:28You don't have to.
00:15:29You could agree that our sales come first.
00:15:32Then you'd have to describe that to each other, define that.
00:15:35What does that really mean?
00:15:37Same with a relationship.
00:15:38What does it mean?
00:15:39In practical purposes.
00:15:40If this happens, what will we do?
00:15:43If that happens, what will we do?
00:15:44Are there any exceptions to this?
00:15:46What could go wrong with this idea of putting ourselves first?
00:15:50What happens if this relationship crashes and burns?
00:15:55We put ourselves first.
00:15:57What does that do for our kids?
00:15:59What does that do for our own health?
00:16:02So it doesn't make sense.
00:16:04Maybe we'll put religion first.
00:16:06That's fine.
00:16:07But you'd have to think it through because you're planning your life.
00:16:11Because your lives depend on this.
00:16:13How you're going to rule.
00:16:15How you're going to govern.
00:16:16What decisions you're going to make is going to be predicated on what is the highest priority.
00:16:21Right?
00:16:22Otherwise, you're not a team.
00:16:24It'll be chaos when load-bearing hits.
00:16:26You're going to, you know, be unprepared.
00:16:29So it's all practical.
00:16:32It's all tactical.
00:16:33It's not about emotion.
00:16:35It's about what would be the best thing.
00:16:38And what one thing must be protected at all costs in order for everything else to thrive.
00:16:45That's how to think of it.
00:16:46Right?
00:16:47But it has to be defined.
00:16:48It has to be done judiciously because, again, it's no small thing.
00:16:52Your happiness, safety, and security, everything's predicated on your design.
00:16:56What's the threat response based on memory?
00:16:59Well, memory is a problem.
00:17:03We're memory animals.
00:17:04Everything we do is by memory.
00:17:07Most of our day is memory run.
00:17:09It's automatic.
00:17:10We're not thinking.
00:17:11We're not using energy expending areas of the brain that use critical thinking.
00:17:16We save that for novelty.
00:17:18We save that for our work.
00:17:19We save that for other things.
00:17:21But so we're just walking through the day doing things automatically and reflexively based on memory.
00:17:28Because of our survival instinct, negative memory, negative experience is favored in memory because we have to remember where we're hurt because of danger.
00:17:43Survival is at the top of our subcortical drive.
00:17:48Right?
00:17:49And it does not equivocate.
00:17:52It does not differentiate.
00:17:54You hurt me.
00:17:55If you didn't fix it right away and you do it again, then I'm going to predict you're going to do it again and again and again, which you will feel attacked by.
00:18:05But that is me protecting myself.
00:18:08I'm using pattern recognition to sweep the environment for cues.
00:18:12And every time you repeat something or we repeat something that's threatening, the array of threat cues that I'm looking for increase naturally makes sense.
00:18:23It doesn't know the difference between you holding a gun on me and you looking askance that I view as a judgment, as an attack, as a criticism.
00:18:33Right?
00:18:34And so this becomes problematic if we're not careful, which is why there are ways to prevent this from taking hold because it does have a snowball effect.
00:18:46It sounds like it sensitizes your system over time.
00:18:49Yeah.
00:18:50It has to because we have to survive.
00:18:53This part of our brain is lightning fast.
00:18:57I see it.
00:18:58I shoot it.
00:18:59And that makes sense if your life depends on making a quick decision and an action that protects you from a danger.
00:19:10It makes sense that this can be a problem in relationships because I will react very quickly based on my own narrative history, memory, and I will likely be wrong.
00:19:23And you will likely feel threatened by my assuming, which you will then protect yourself and behave in a way that's threatening in return.
00:19:32And therein lies the problem with the human condition, why we're better at war.
00:19:39We're just not great at relationships over the long run.
00:19:44So there are ways to remedy this if you know what you're up against.
00:19:48One is quick repair.
00:19:51Quick repair is a way to keep memory from going into long-term memory where it's the gift that keeps on giving.
00:19:58And sadly, most people don't fix things quickly.
00:20:02They don't fix things.
00:20:03I'm sorry.
00:20:04You're right.
00:20:05That was stupid.
00:20:06I shouldn't have done that.
00:20:07I'm sorry.
00:20:08I love you.
00:20:09And then move on.
00:20:10They delay it.
00:20:11They don't do it.
00:20:13They apologize in the wrong way.
00:20:17And so the beat goes on.
00:20:19And this is why families lose their kids, estrangement.
00:20:23That's why people get sued.
00:20:25That's why in the old days people, you know, challenge each other to a duel to the death, you know, because we remember harm done.
00:20:34We don't forget it.
00:20:36The person who harms us does.
00:20:38But because of the adrenaline that's created when we feel misunderstood, hurt, judged, something's unfair, unjust, that creates a lot of juice to go into long-term memory unless you fix it right away, which case it doesn't.
00:20:57So that's one of the main reasons to grow up and do what we invented.
00:21:04Uh, the reason we invented apologies, uh, immense was to hold onto our relationships.
00:21:09And if you too want to hold onto your relationship with your kid or your, your spouse or your parents, then you gotta learn how to follow on your sword.
00:21:18And only apologize, um, without equivocation, without qualification explanation, uh, without any, any other qualifier.
00:21:30If you know what's good for you.
00:21:31Cause that in the real world is the only thing that will relax another person.
00:21:35Uh, the only thing.
00:21:36And I have to apologize for what you think I did.
00:21:39Not what I think I did.
00:21:40Hmm.
00:21:41Think how hard that is for us.
00:21:43Cause we're so prideful.
00:21:45We think that we're always right.
00:21:47And that's not true, by the way.
00:21:50We're hardly ever right.
00:21:52About much.
00:21:53And, um, but you know, it's our arrogance.
00:21:56It's our, you know, hubris to think that our communication was spot on.
00:22:00I heard you clearly.
00:22:02Um, I, my memory is great.
00:22:04Uh, my perception is, is correct.
00:22:07Yours isn't.
00:22:08And none of this I can prove.
00:22:10None of this is true at any given time.
00:22:12It's all false.
00:22:14And yet we'll die on that hill and we're dumb.
00:22:17It's so fascinating that.
00:22:19Intense negative experiences.
00:22:23If repaired quickly.
00:22:25Have.
00:22:27Basically a completely different future ahead of them.
00:22:30Yeah.
00:22:31Than ones that are left to fester.
00:22:32That if you're in a relationship which has regular rupture without repair.
00:22:36And especially without repair quickly.
00:22:38That.
00:22:39Makes.
00:22:40It's painful in the moment.
00:22:42And.
00:22:43More painful in the future.
00:22:45And sensitizes your system.
00:22:48To detecting this happening again.
00:22:51Yes.
00:22:52Even perhaps when it's not.
00:22:53Yeah.
00:22:54Which means that your worldview is going to appear increasingly deranged.
00:22:58To the other person.
00:22:59Who needs to apologize based on your interpretation.
00:23:03Not on their projection.
00:23:05Right.
00:23:06It's vicious.
00:23:07Right.
00:23:08It's a, it's a really badly designed system.
00:23:10Well, it's, it's not designed.
00:23:12Like I said, for.
00:23:13Remember we used to die at, at 15 or 30 tops.
00:23:16Right.
00:23:17We didn't live that long.
00:23:18We would pair bond for four years.
00:23:20And then leave.
00:23:21And then.
00:23:22You know, mix up the gene pool.
00:23:24That, you know, that satisfied.
00:23:26The, you know, the natural, the ways of natural laws.
00:23:29And that nature's.
00:23:30Uh, right.
00:23:31Nature didn't plan on us.
00:23:33You know, doing what we do today.
00:23:35We're on our own.
00:23:36Uh, that's why we have to invent our meaning.
00:23:40We didn't, we're not born into a world with meaning.
00:23:43Right.
00:23:44Clearly we're not born into a world where we get why we're here and how we got here and where we're going.
00:23:50That's the whole existential dilemma.
00:23:52Right.
00:23:53And it's the angst.
00:23:54You know, we're going to die.
00:23:55We're alone.
00:23:56Uh, we don't know, uh, why we're here.
00:23:58Um, uh, and life has no meaning.
00:24:01Right.
00:24:02Uh, that's very depressing.
00:24:04So we create meaning.
00:24:06Right.
00:24:07Same thing.
00:24:08But meaning also involves governance.
00:24:10How are we going to protect each other from each other?
00:24:13That is not by nature.
00:24:15Right.
00:24:16We, we are predators.
00:24:18We're apex predators as, as a matter of fact.
00:24:21Um, we're nice on a, when we're happy, right?
00:24:24Yeah.
00:24:25But you may not want to be around us if we're unhappy.
00:24:27We're kind of nasty.
00:24:29Unless, unless there are norms, you know, sweetheart, you know, my 14 year old daughter.
00:24:35Uh, you can be angry.
00:24:37You cannot walk around and destroy the atmosphere here for everybody who's in the house.
00:24:41That's a community.
00:24:42You can't do it.
00:24:43So stop it.
00:24:45Right.
00:24:46Um, only that stops that kind of behavior.
00:24:49Um, no, you can't do this.
00:24:51I know you want to do it, but I'll show you, you can't try.
00:24:54And I will show you, you can't.
00:24:56And that, uh, gives rise to an idea that there are limits.
00:25:01There are boundaries.
00:25:02There are things you can and cannot do.
00:25:03But let's say I don't do that.
00:25:05Let's say I give in, then you can get away with anything.
00:25:09Right.
00:25:10Cause there is no God.
00:25:11I did that.
00:25:12It doesn't happen naturally.
00:25:13Um, you know, Lord of the flies, you know, we're animals.
00:25:17animals and the off the the uh the product line you know uh human primate isn't great
00:25:28you know uh you know civilization uh you know uh over so many years of of you know building
00:25:37complexity socially emotionally and and and um ideals and values and and uh and in morals principles
00:25:48that that you know in the whole span of history of course it's a blip but in our time it's a long
00:25:56period to get here and we're still a mess um and so you know again don't be naive you are responsible
00:26:07for this relationship no one else is you're the only ones who are going to benefit and are also
00:26:13going to suffer if you're not an out an alliance right if you're not working together you can't
00:26:20work if you're not able to work together as a two-person system of we and us interdependently
00:26:27having the same things to gain and lose are you going to survive this life really uh with all the
00:26:34slings and arrows and all the the things that happen and and the indifference of others which
00:26:40you know just test that out and the chips are down people will be indifferent to your concerns
00:26:46um and that's just the way it is uh and so not knowing that preparing is just simply not being
00:26:56aware and not being an adult and and in reality somewhere along the way low energy just gets
00:27:03accepted as a part of getting older turns out there's a reason for that as we age our mitochondria
00:27:07the parts of our cells that power us become weaker and make less energy which is why i'm such a huge fan
00:27:11of timeline they've developed this that helps to clear out your damaged mitochondria so your cells can
00:27:17actually renew themselves timeline is backed by over a decade of research and has more than 50 patents and
00:27:22is the number one recommended mitochondrial supplement on the planet this isn't just theory in clinical
00:27:29trials people saw mitochondrial renewal increased by more than 40 percent in just 16 weeks along with
00:27:34improvements in their overall energy i've been using it for over two years since my doctor recommended
00:27:39it to me way before i partnered with timeline and eat your heart out martin shkreli because they've
00:27:44just dropped the price and it now starts at 99 best of all there is a 30-day money-back guarantee plus free
00:27:49shipping in the us plus they ship internationally and right now you can get that 99 price with an
00:27:54additional 20 off by going to the link in the description below heading to timeline.com
00:27:58modern wisdom using the code modern wisdom at checkout that's timeline.com modern wisdom and
00:28:03modern wisdom at checkout i've heard you say that if you leave those memories to encode in long term for
00:28:11too long you can end up seeing your partner more as a predator than a lover yeah the subcortical brain
00:28:16does not differentiate what's what's happening what's happening neurochemically and in
00:28:22the brain well the uh there's an intentional center uh um uh the salience network in the brain is
00:28:30what causes me to to look right you know i hear a sound and i look that's a salience network that's
00:28:36directing me to what's most important at this moment and there are other networks that are involved here
00:28:42that are fear related um and threat related that are involved in this one network and so i i begin to
00:28:50hone in on your face because you repeatedly do something that reminds me of something that makes me feel
00:28:56small and devalued okay you may not intend to do that but your intentions aren't the matter here
00:29:04um i'm picking up a threat memory a cue from your face because i'm vigilant um i've i now have to
00:29:13look for this because i've been hurt too much you feel attacked by it but i'm simply taking care of
00:29:20myself i don't control this it is pushing me around because i don't understand it right i assume that
00:29:28everything i'm picking up is correct i don't check you know are you are you are you doing that thing right
00:29:33now right i just i just shoot first uh assuming you are doing it and that's because these areas don't
00:29:41have an executive function they're not meant to have an executive function and an executive function takes
00:29:48time and resources that is why that that you know when we're relaxed we have all oars in the water we can
00:29:58think we can error correct we can we can think in a relativistic way and not in a in a uh dominant
00:30:07end way right i am certain no maybe you're right but i'm relaxed i can do that as soon as my blood
00:30:14pressure and heart rate go up to a certain level my brain changes i literally don't have a capacity to do
00:30:20that because the executive areas uh demand a lot of resources to run oxygen glucose and blood that is
00:30:31now going to my striated muscles because i'm starting to get into fight or flight i'm getting hyper aroused
00:30:38and there's a brain change i'm altered i no longer care about your interests and it takes very little
00:30:46uh this is uh robert sapolsky's uh work not just very little uh glucocorticoids coursing through my
00:30:53veins for me not to give a damn about you and you lose me as an audience if you're not careful
00:31:00uh you don't even think because you haven't noticed you've lost me as an audience i feel unsafe
00:31:06therefore talk to the hand i care only about my interests you get nothing that's how sensitive the
00:31:12system is because i've determined i'm not saying on a subcortical level now i may not know this but
00:31:20you will if you pay attention i will know when you fall into out of safety because i'm watching you
00:31:27if i am um and that's why you know in each other's care is we're psychobiologically wired in close
00:31:35proximity to pick up social emotional cues faster from the other person than we are from our own bodies
00:31:45that makes it uh that makes us primed for something called interactive regulation or co-regulation right
00:31:52um that's another kind of teamwork but it's more autonomic anyway so uh so uh it doesn't you know this
00:32:01is a very stupid part of us but it's but we'll thank it because we dodged a bullet um and and so i have to
00:32:09to understand that you and i have to talk to each other in a particular way otherwise uh you'll confuse
00:32:21me as an adversary and this is what's hard about secure functioning the formula really is
00:32:29i have to take care of myself and you at the same time under stress or you will confuse me for an
00:32:37adversary and it will compel you to then take care of yourself only now we're one person systems we're
00:32:44no longer in a team sport we're in a solo sport does this explain how all everybody there are no
00:32:51exceptions to this by the way they're all people does this explain how resentment accumulates in
00:32:58relationships yeah and relationships start to look very deranged from both the outside and the inside
00:33:05one of the greatest uh causes of anger sustained anger is injustice right uh the other is helplessness
00:33:13um uh uh and you know right and so any any system that's too unfair too unjust uh and too insensitive
00:33:22can't last because it's unfair unless it's an employer you know asymmetric relationship where
00:33:29i have to suck it up because i want the job and i need the money but in a in a equal system that's
00:33:36voluntary that's voluntary if it's not fair and just um and i'm getting the short end of the stick you
00:33:44should keep your eyes open tonight because that never ends well uh in the human field right and so
00:33:51insecure functioning is too unfair uh it's good to be king um and i get things at your cost not realizing
00:33:59that we're tied together psychobiologically anything i do to you is going to happen to me
00:34:06there's no decoupling that unless unless this is an autocracy unless i am the dictator in which case
00:34:14i still better keep my eyes open at night but you know then i get to do everything um and you have
00:34:19to do it but that's not the reality of a free and fair union of equals in adulthood right the expectation
00:34:28is that it be fair whether people say that or not it is that way and that's universal how much can you
00:34:35prune those bad memories how much harder is it to get over that once you've accumulated them
00:34:41you can't get rid of these memories and you don't want to because that'll happen soon enough i'm 72 and
00:34:47starting to happen uh with names but you don't want to get rid of those memories um the only way to
00:34:54change the past is to change the future there's no other way these these neural pathways are weighted
00:35:01by repeats right we repeating things and that's the worst this is the smart thing to do that we already
00:35:08know and couples don't do one is i will apologize forever for harm done that is the right and just
00:35:16thing to do in the real world that is expected i don't get a free pass in memory right by saying i don't
00:35:23need to apologize i did my time in prison that's not ever going to work same in couples right i will
00:35:30always apologize for what you feel i did no problem but let's put something in place you and i to prevent
00:35:38either of us from doing that again if only we did that we'd be great because we're doing the same thing
00:35:51we're learning from the past and we're creating a future that is different based on what we learned
00:35:58let's not do that again not you not just me either of us because we're human we could both do this
00:36:05so we found a place where we're vulnerable let's close that up as we go but couples don't do that
00:36:13they just walk right into the same thing again rinse and repeat and that is deadly you do not want
00:36:19repetition it creates inflammation once that repetition start it accrues and sadly i deal
00:36:25with couples that have been together you know sometimes 12 years but you know often three 30 years
00:36:31and they're burdened not only by having to uh look back at all the resentments where they feel compelled
00:36:39to litigate the past just rehearsing the same thing that nothing comes of it and besides memory sucks and
00:36:47they're going to fight about memory um on there and they're not watching where they're going so they're
00:36:52repeating um uh the other thing is that when they do try to work on the relationship now memory intrudes
00:37:01on the present and puts the kibosh on the future this is a big problem we're trying to solve how so how does
00:37:08this happen what you and i have been fighting for years and and um we both complain of unfairness
00:37:17right and uh we neither of us trust each other now because we did that we did that um years of doing
00:37:24business poorly now we want to write things right and we go to let's say me or anybody who's uh proposing
00:37:32let's design this thing from the ground up um as we're doing this one of us is going to go that's not
00:37:41gonna you know you know why are you depressed because he'll never do this i already knew and now i'm back
00:37:50because subcortically i'm being yelled at don't trust him that won't happen it's right why am i being
00:38:01fatalistic because i'm being warned on what has happened it doesn't it has no interest and i say it
00:38:11this these networks that are subcortical have no interest that we're working on something to improve it
00:38:20therefore what is now causing us a big problem is that neither of us can forget as we're going
00:38:28forward going forward triggers the past the past is always present that's the problem yeah past that
00:38:35we created yeah that adds a huge um neurobiological layer of difficulty think of this um uh you know as
00:38:48numbers grow gets more difficult because of memory israel and palestine uh palestine they cannot get out
00:38:57of this loop because there are generations upon generations of memory where everybody is getting
00:39:04their justice right i want my justice and it's to blow up your family and now you have a reason to get
00:39:10your justice and and there's no getting out of that right because there's too many people with too much memory
00:39:17and there's too many people wanting to get their justice at the cost of somebody else well partners
00:39:23do this too i want my justice and now i create a new one in you right you could put the kibosh on that
00:39:30but it is hard because the very same problem is that i feel that something happened to me there's that itch
00:39:38i need to scratch i need you to pay i need i need something to square this because there have been too
00:39:46many years of unfairness and sometimes i just have to divorce you so this accruing of memory is central
00:39:55and if people only knew um they could prevent this because it is human nature it's not him or her it's
00:40:04all of us this is a problem and if you don't know about it you're going to do it it feels like
00:40:12prevention is significantly better than an attempt at repair yes because you cannot erase the memory you
00:40:17can only relegate it those neural pathways to a dirt road because they're no longer being used they're
00:40:24no longer being triggered nothing you're doing right now triggers that memory but given that most people
00:40:31live lives of routine um uh you were uh concerned and a small amount of justification about why your
00:40:41partner was staying late at work with somebody that you felt uncomfortable about you learned this lesson
00:40:47and you even do some of the repair you deal with all the difficulty of going back over it you do an
00:40:53open and honest completely frank apology but the next time that your partner stays late at work
00:40:58regardless of what's being done to the past the present and your predictions about the future are
00:41:04now being colored by what happened before right right not only is the past always present but the
00:41:11present is changing the past as well so you and i had a great wedding um but our marriage sucks
00:41:19and 12 years 13 15 20 years down the line the therapist asked us how was your wedding and our report is not
00:41:27great contrast that with a couple who had the worst had wedding from hell people were arrested drugs were
00:41:34found um looted all gifts were looted all sorts of things happened this is a true story but their
00:41:41marriage um uh was it became a great marriage they look back on it as funny as amazing um
00:41:52the present state of mind changes our memory which is why memory is completely unreliable folks if you're
00:42:02arguing about memory you're you're engaged in something where you're both wrong which is why
00:42:07it's so much better to just apologize for however your partner sees it yeah you don't lose anything
00:42:13you gain you keep your marriage you keep your relationship intact does distance make this harder
00:42:18obviously we're in a a modern world with a lot of people who argue but they're not together
00:42:23um maybe they fight over the phone or text message or email whatever does what does what wrinkles does
00:42:31that add to the rupture and repair conversation i love your questions chris they're great um here's the
00:42:38problem we're we're we're face-to-face eye-to-eye animals we're legally blind on this side we have to be
00:42:44dead on to regulate each other because we're visual we have a visual brain therefore we error correct
00:42:50to the visual field everything else is messy so if we're on the phone we lose the visual which means
00:42:58we're only using the auditory now since we're visual we're visualizing things according to our
00:43:04own state of mind so if i'm angry with you what picture of you in my head do i have at the moment
00:43:10probably not great that color is how you sound um so my error rate in understanding and appraising you
00:43:19especially if i'm under stress all of this is about when we're under stress which is a lot
00:43:26right we're only talking about when one of us is under stress things are going to go wonky if we're not
00:43:34not careful under stress i'm going to hear differently because the state of mind that is
00:43:42that is triggered by this by my feeling by my stress is connected to memory and they they operate
00:43:51in a loop they reinforce each other that my state of mind alters my perception like a funhouse mirror
00:43:58and it's stunning what i see what i taste what i hear what i feel all of that is altered by my state
00:44:07therefore what could go wrong here um i am at an angry state i am talking in a way my prosody changes
00:44:16that is unfriendly to you i can't see your face you can't see my face maybe i was smiling
00:44:21uh you don't know uh now we're gonna fight for no reason because we're our error rate is sky high and
00:44:29the more excited we get the worst uh the error rate goes really high right and and it's over nothing
00:44:38right it's over our brain thinks it's something it isn't um or text i mean it's crazy uh never do
00:44:47relationship stuff or text you send your a picture of your goofy face i love you emoticons uh what
00:44:54time's dinner that's it that's the limit that's the upper bound of how much your relationship should
00:44:59be mediated through the phone yes i what did we used to do well i used to draw pictures on a cave
00:45:06but you know in the old days i'd write you a letter and it would take a month at least to get to you
00:45:12you could be sure i wrote that thinking very carefully very carefully about what i am saying
00:45:20it was a beautiful letter right yeah beautiful letter i didn't need spell check i had my anxiety
00:45:26knowing that you're gonna see this letter and it was gonna take about a month right i want you to get
00:45:31this exactly right well what do we do now we get in a lot of trouble with our texts with our work you
00:45:40know with uh you know add to that a little bit of ambien or a little bit of benzodiazepines or alcohol
00:45:45and everything and we're screwed so yeah we do not understand our limitations there are things we cannot do
00:45:55and yet we expect things that are not possible like you and i under stress can talk about more than one
00:46:01topic without fighting that's impossible or that you and i can talk about an emotional conversation
00:46:08while one of us is driving that will end badly it's not possible uh you know there are things that
00:46:15people don't understand that we're limited by we're smart in so many areas and we're so stupid on a
00:46:25daily basis and it's funny except we take all of it personally and most of it isn't most of it is
00:46:32because we're stupid automatic reflexive memory based not thinking not paying attention
00:46:38um because we live in a world where our attention is constantly split now in other news if you're trying
00:46:43to go from joey chestnut to joey swole the rp strength app is the best place to start i've been
00:46:48in the gym for 20 years and it wasn't until the past few years that i had the best training sessions
00:46:52of my life and rp was a massive part of that actual scientists built this thing around one obsession
00:46:58to beat up their high school bullies and provide the most science-backed effective path to maximizing
00:47:03muscle gain it tells you your exercises how many sets reps and weights that you need to do everything so
00:47:08all that you have to do is show up and lift if the rp app could wipe your ass for you it probably would
00:47:14and it adjusts automatically every week based on how you're actually progressing for me following a
00:47:19proper evidence-based plan has made a massive difference and if you're serious about training
00:47:23it'll do the same for you too right now you can get up to fifty dollars off the rp hypertrophy app
00:47:27by going to the link in the description below or heading to rp strength.com modern wisdom and using
00:47:32the code modern wisdom at checkout that's rp strength.com modern wisdom and modern wisdom
00:47:37at checkout what does i'm thinking about
00:47:41kind of how we discuss at the top this it's like a conversation about compatibility
00:47:47how much of relationship conflict is just based around incompatibility and not pointing in the same
00:47:54direction or being specific about what each of you wants to see if you're in agreement in advance
00:48:00compatibility in my game in my mind only is where you and i are pointing in two different directions
00:48:08on the big ticket items right i want full transparency i want us to have you know where this is a team
00:48:15sport says i i want us to work together i want our left hands and right hands to know the same thing
00:48:23that keeps us safe that's what i want best thing and you say not so fast i don't would you have a right
00:48:29to say i don't think that's the best idea for me i don't think it's really good for you but i'll try
00:48:35to convince you i think we should have our secrets i think we should have our privacy you have every
00:48:40right to want that now if you stick to your guns and i can't get you over to my side you can't get me
00:48:46over to your side in an honest way i have to really selfishly want what you want or it won't work and
00:48:53vice versa um we're not we're incompatible we're just we're not wrong which is incompatible um that's
00:49:03true incompatibility not you have a greater sex drive than i do not um i like tennis and you don't not
00:49:10right that's not the kind of compatibility that's going to make a difference in life
00:49:17because every all interests are going to change no matter what that's not a problem right you can
00:49:23create mutual interest uh but these things won't work it's not about healthy unhealthy good bad right or
00:49:29wrong it just can't work right uh it's a built-in fight so uh you know you can't ignore those things
00:49:38but the attachment system the i can't quit you biology will make us go let's get married and ignore
00:49:44that deal breaker it's you've said it a couple of times uh that i can't quit you biology what is that
00:49:53attachment is is nature's glue it keeps us sticky it keeps us together and and it feels like love
00:50:04because it has loving aspects to it and behaviorally could have it but let's say you and i are i'm
00:50:14abusive i hurt you physically and mentally um that glue is likely to keep you in this relationship
00:50:22and you'll justify it in all sorts of ways um or because you're financially dependent on you'll
00:50:28justify it or because your religion says this or because you're in a culture where divorce is looked
00:50:35down upon whatever it is you'll come up with or the kids the kids will suffer that right i have all
00:50:40these reasons but i'm telling you the main reason is the attachment biology that is connected to survival
00:50:48that feels like death i'm largely unaware of it some people are acutely there right depending on their
00:50:56attachment organization um but that isn't always their thing for most people there are outliers but
00:51:03they are they're different they don't they they're different um they don't attach in the same way
00:51:10um and so uh it you know it does everything in nature it has a feature and a bug everything that's a
00:51:19feature is a bug and also in personalities also i you know if somebody has massive ocd that's a feature
00:51:27for a surgeon you know you want your surgeon to have ocd you want your surgeon your your pilot to have ocd
00:51:35right your accountant that's great you don't want a spouse with ocd necessarily because that's a pain
00:51:40in the ass that's a bug there so all of this isn't really good or bad all people are disappointing all
00:51:49people are pain in the ass all people are are trouble and a burden um what you want is to create a system
00:51:58whereby neither of you can possibly feel unsafe or insecure by design neither of you will be unhappy in
00:52:06the relationship by design you can do that you can structure things this way you can't control
00:52:12everything else outside of this but home i think is as a relationship tracy and i no matter where we go
00:52:22as long as we're together i'm fine and and we've been some really terrible places i mean really terrible
00:52:29places that's an achievement you know that home is where we are it's going to make me want to cry because
00:52:38when you start to get to this place the only thing now that's the bug is worrying that you know you can
00:52:47lose them you know not to you know affairs not to divorce but to death and and that's really troubling
00:52:58although it does make me um appreciate the moment instead of taking it for granted which is what
00:53:07we should all do because we're in denial about that your partner could die at any moment did you say
00:53:12what you needed to say have you really enjoyed that person are you really here or are you going to regret
00:53:19uh that you you know um that's again nature is forces energy conservation is to do the least amount
00:53:28necessary and direct our attention to what we deem important and it's usually something that is not
00:53:33familiar you are familiar therefore i don't need to look at you anymore i don't need to court you or i
00:53:39don't need to i know you anymore i think i know you i don't um i i you know we store a picture of our
00:53:47partners in our children's face in our brain for weeks and months without really looking i didn't even
00:53:53notice this that's how lazy we are and it's not laziness it's energy conservation therefore we have to
00:54:02build rituals although we never do anything good for ourselves we would have to you know build things in
00:54:09that are romantic every day that we would do to to fall in love again with each other every day it just
00:54:16doesn't happen uh behavior wags it's hell of how we feel and the and these are the forces we're up
00:54:24against on all of us automation and we're going to automate each other therefore i think i know you
00:54:30that's a dangerous proposition i don't know you i i don't i can never fully know you and not only that
00:54:38you've been on the planet too long which is why we used to have pillow talk and shoot the breeze
00:54:43and about our childhood is just fun talk now i see i see couples and they know nothing about each other
00:54:50they're not curious there's no curiosity curiosity is the flame curiosity is the dopamine curiosity is
00:54:57the strangeness that goes you know you are novel even though i think you're familiar if i look really
00:55:05closely you're not as familiar as i think now you're interesting but we'd have to look for the
00:55:12novelty in the ordinary and we're too lazy to do that it's interesting with the i can't quit you thing
00:55:20i think a lot of people you you mentioned uh injustice and helplessness yes and uh it's strange
00:55:26that and fear and fear will make us angry yeah uh with sort of sufficiently disorganized
00:55:35attachment you can fear and feel injustice and be helplessly stuck inside of a relationship with a
00:55:44person who is both supposedly the salve but also the cause of all of these yeah issues of your your
00:55:53psychological maladies and people will it's another feature and bug scenario where um it's a noble thing to
00:56:01sacrifice your needs in place of somebody that you're attached to but that also can get hijacked to the
00:56:07point where you just continue to grit your teeth as you mentioned a couple that's been together for
00:56:11so long and they haven't enjoyed each other for decades and decades and they just keep going because
00:56:18they can't stop yeah yeah yeah it's a kind of addiction very well yeah it there is an addictive
00:56:27component to it i don't want to mislead your audience because it's not truly that um uh when i when i do
00:56:35something to feel better at the at the cost of doing the right thing in other words i feel better but i
00:56:40just hurt the relationship the union i do get a reward for that right uh a feel good which makes me want
00:56:48to do it again and again and it is you know it is like addiction where i'm going to grab it for it
00:56:54because i can't hold and wait i can't wait right i'm going to take it now even though there's downstream
00:57:00bad effects for me i'm ignoring those so in that sense yeah that's very much like an addiction that
00:57:06is impulsive and and needs to grab impulsively what i need to do despite the fact that it's self-harming
00:57:14um so yes but the system begins to react to itself and that's really another way to look at it as
00:57:23systemic and the system is reacting no longer real individuals they're amplifying each other's
00:57:29negatives by pointing in poking uh their core vulnerabilities here's another unfair kind of unkind
00:57:37nature thing is that because we pair bond based on some kind of familiarity and recognition we don't
00:57:44pair bond with strangers that are too strange right they have to be familiar enough um on we're both
00:57:51likely to have the bite that fits the other person's wound um we're not those people but we kind of play
00:57:58them on tv uh we have the we have the predilection we have the ability to do those things that remind us
00:58:05of those relationships which is why it's problematic so memory now if we didn't know better
00:58:13i don't know you have this wound i only see your defense against it and your defense is really
00:58:20threatening so i respond in a threatening way which consolidates your vulnerability and increases your
00:58:28defense and right and makes you certain that i'm a dangerous character well you're doing the same with
00:58:36me you're having you happen to be poking me in a core vulnerable place um and i can't do anything other
00:58:43than react um you don't know this um because the way i'm responding to you feels threatening of course
00:58:51therefore you are going to protect yourself from me and therein lies the problem we're going to make
00:58:56each other worse naturally because you're not paid to sit there and just think about what i'm doing
00:59:05you're going to take it personally now if you're a therapist you can't do that right i have to sit
00:59:09and i have to sit with my feelings and not you know not jump up and act out i have but i regret that
00:59:17but you know it's you know we're human but but we're paid to do otherwise right your partner isn't
00:59:22and and therefore we're more likely to make each other worse because it's a misunderstanding you can't
00:59:29know why i'm doing this threatening thing and you don't need to know because you're feeling threatened
00:59:35so knowledge is power understanding how the brain works understanding how these systems work
00:59:41understanding your partner inside out being an expert on your partner which if your survival mattered to
00:59:48you and you thought about it you better know how to restore your partner back to uh you know level
00:59:57thinking and level uh performance because your life does depend on them they go down you're in the foxhole
01:00:04together you're dead so you better know the animal you picked and how to how to work with this animal
01:00:09being an animal whisperer this one they're not you and you're going to need them if you are a team
01:00:17it matters if they go down and you better know how just the right way to pick them back up or you
01:00:25you're again but what's the point so this is an orientation and couples just not not oriented towards
01:00:35this being a survival team but it is you just haven't been tested yet right it's not thrown you that
01:00:43curve you're not in bosnia during that time uh you're not in ukraine and russia now you're not in
01:00:51in gaza uh or you know right uh a whole different orientation there they know what's important it's
01:00:59uh to protect each other right uh we don't we're asleep um that's the denial system because it would get
01:01:09in the way if we always had to plan for this but the planning for this starts with the building blocks
01:01:18of reining each other in and being safe and secure and and predicting and planning and preventing
01:01:26future problems by predicting them ahead of time that does the same thing you don't have to build you
01:01:33know together uh bomb shelter uh that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about that that the
01:01:40two of you know how to build structure how to how to reform this to your liking you just have to know
01:01:47how to do it and practice it and it has to be predicated on principles that cannot be violated
01:01:54jared's have you ever considered you might have a drinking problem i don't consider a lot chris
01:01:58what you drank an entire case of athletic brewing co last night but they're not alcoholic and
01:02:03that's not a problem sorry man i kept chugging wait for the regret to creep in never happened
01:02:09didn't you end up going home with that chick with the lazy eye i didn't seem lazy to me
01:02:14see most people like jared don't actually want to change what they drink they just don't want the
01:02:19next day to be a complete write-off which is why i'm such a huge fan of athletic brewing co they make
01:02:23the best na brews on the planet so you can still have something cold and tasty just without the
01:02:28usual trade-off you can find athletic brewing co's best-selling lineup at grocery or liquor stores
01:02:32near you or best option get a full variety pack of four flavors shipped direct to your door get 15
01:02:37off your first online order by going to the link in the description below or heading to athletic
01:02:41brewing.com modern wisdom using the code modern wisdom at checkout that's athletic brewing.com
01:02:45modern wisdom and modern wisdom at checkout near beer terms and conditions apply athletic
01:02:50brewing company fit for all times if you could give people couples the most important big movers the
01:03:00most important principles that they should follow to create these secure functioning relationships
01:03:06that's what everybody wants right it's the thing that is the most important it's going to help us
01:03:12steal ourselves against the woes of the world and the slings and arrows that are going to come from
01:03:17outside of it what are the things that people should focus on in order to do that on us on a more focused
01:03:26level i'm going to give you two see on focus level start now if you do nothing else uh make sure
01:03:34that you repair to the other person's satisfaction you can see their face relax if they're not relaxed you're
01:03:40not done yet repair fix make it right make amends properly immediately or within 30 minutes make
01:03:49that a habit make that a law make that what must happen otherwise you're going to die sooner i guarantee
01:03:58you because of the corticosteroids you produce in that stress when there's a breach you're not doing
01:04:05yourself any favors and you're setting the other person up for and yourself for um a long-term
01:04:11memory and that's you're not going to want that so fix fix it right away i don't care how you do that
01:04:18if you can do nothing else you can say to each other uh you know i hate you right now but we're okay
01:04:25it turns out that the we're okay is is is sufficient to be able to sleep through the night or be able to
01:04:34get through your day because i promise you if you don't do that you're you are not at your optimum
01:04:39performance level you can't be uh you won't be as you're paying attention so you know what's good for
01:04:46yourself you just settle the existential question that is there when there's a breach in relationship
01:04:53when we fight will this relationship exist tomorrow are we okay if you can just do that
01:05:01minimum you're better than most and my wife and i have a a rule we can go to bed angry but we have
01:05:09to at least touch toes and that's harder than you might think but um but that's been practiced and
01:05:16there's an immediate reward for doing the right thing when it's the hardest thing to do and that
01:05:20is your self-esteem goes right up because you know you did the hardest thing the right thing when it was
01:05:27the hardest thing to do we're already doing the easiest things that's what we're already doing but
01:05:32that's not a good line a purpose-centered life is decided ahead of time that this is right best or good
01:05:43so say us both and we're gonna we're gonna plan to do this for when we actually do not feel like doing
01:05:52it at all i even when i hate you i still do this beautiful thing even when i hate you i still don't
01:05:58do this destructive thing right that's a good life that's the only thing that's ever been a good life
01:06:05that is reliable that earns love that earns respect as daily or proving to each other we stick to our
01:06:12principles we show each other when we fail we fall on our swords beg for forgiveness and make it right
01:06:17simple um and this the other thing is design your relationship start with who are you shared power
01:06:26shared authority something other than that you've got to be explicit and you got to think ahead
01:06:31yeah i'd like you to be in charge i like it right okay remember that uh if uh if he's in charge you
01:06:39don't get the final say on anything you understand that right unless you build that in somehow right and
01:06:46so you just have to be adult and a grown-up because yours your individual lives are now your own not your
01:06:55parents and this and as a couple you're on your own you're the leaders here there is nobody else no
01:07:02therapist right i'm i'm not going to define your relationship you have to it's your gig you can
01:07:09have it any way you want and believe me people have some very strange and novel arrangements right fine
01:07:17they're great because they fully agree they've worked it out no problem but they it's all explicit it's
01:07:26never implied right because if it's implied i'm going to abuse that that uh that reality right has to be
01:07:36explicit and agreed upon like a blood oath because um uh this is this really is about our lives depend on on
01:07:46adhering to this we have to have to drink the kool-aid and buy into it because we're going
01:07:50we're expected to come through when we at least want to and that's going to happen for sure
01:07:54awesome stan tatkin ladies and gentlemen stan i think you're brilliant i think your work rules
01:07:59where should people go to check out everything you do all right the pact institute is a place to go to
01:08:04t-h-e-p-a-c-t institute.com uh if you're a couple there's a couple area uh that is uh devoted to you
01:08:14workshops and uh retreats materials and then if you're a clinician uh that's how this started um uh i
01:08:23we do trainings all over the world and you can find that information there as well oh and there's a new
01:08:29product called the win-win couple first time we've done a filming on how to work together collaboratively
01:08:36under stress and that video is now of it and now available on the website they go to uh the pack
01:08:43site heck yeah stan i appreciate you until next time chris you're terrific i wish every interviewer
01:08:49is like you that's what i wanted to hear all right thank you congratulations you made it to the end
01:08:55of a podcast episode without dying now here's another one go on watch it
커뮤니티 글
아직 글이 없습니다. 이 영상에 대한 첫 번째 글을 작성해 보세요!
이 영상에 대해 글쓰기