Transcript
00:00:00How should people respond to an insult with a lot of silence?
00:00:04You say something ugly to me.
00:00:06I'm going to give it about five to seven seconds of nothing.
00:00:08Meaning I'm going to allow your words as if I see them just to fall to the, this
00:00:15table here and give you a moment of like, you give that, like you still, you still
00:00:22proud of that right there, you can take it back if you like, but I'm not taking it.
00:00:28And it's that it's that, that mindset of I'm not taking it.
00:00:31I don't have to pick it up.
00:00:32That's not mine.
00:00:32Because we get so used to catching just because somebody threw, we feel
00:00:37like we automatically have to catch.
00:00:38It's like, it's not, it's not tennis.
00:00:41It's not volleyball.
00:00:41You don't have to hit it back over a net.
00:00:43You can just let it be there.
00:00:45So five to seven seconds of nothing in that silence.
00:00:48Two, what I like to do is usually ask them to repeat it.
00:00:57Yeah, that's, I usually will say, I need you to, I need you to say that again.
00:01:01I've yet to have anybody who could do it because it's like, they, they,
00:01:10they don't want to show they're ugly.
00:01:13They don't want that highlighted.
00:01:15They don't, they know what they just said.
00:01:17And now what they were expecting was that hit a dopamine of me giving it right back
00:01:23to them and feeling that sense of control.
00:01:26I've now put a big spotlight on their behavior.
00:01:28And then it's just, it's not fun at that point.
00:01:31They're like, ah, I got to get out of here.
00:01:33Like that's, was that, that wasn't the hit that I was expecting.
00:01:36And when I say, I need you to repeat that.
00:01:39I need you to say that again.
00:01:40They're going to have to remember their words and regurgitate them.
00:01:47And that usually it's, people don't like to extend past
00:01:51this feeling of being a reasonable.
00:01:53Now I know people will go, oh, I know what lots of people are unreasonable.
00:01:56Listen, I have deposed probably thousands of people.
00:01:59I've seen lots of liars and manipulators.
00:02:02They never want to come across as unreasonable.
00:02:05Yeah.
00:02:06People who are like manipulating you, they're not afraid of anger.
00:02:14They're afraid of calm.
00:02:16And whenever I can show you that I'm not rising and going, how dare you,
00:02:23like getting this, who do you think you are kind of bow up, um, it's
00:02:29almost more scary to them if you, I need you to say that again.
00:02:33Now, most of the time, what they do is they try and like, well, I mean,
00:02:38what I mean, I mean, and they try to like justify, exactly.
00:02:41Uh, and try and adjust in some way, or I guess they could double down.
00:02:45If they do double down and repeat it, then you get to say, I thought so.
00:02:48Thanks.
00:02:50Like just let it go, because at that point you're still just leaving them.
00:02:54They're going to remember what they said, and you're not going to be
00:02:58the one to remember it at all.
00:02:59So it's that.
00:03:00Another that I like to ask is it's this, did you mean, did you mean for
00:03:04that to sound as insulting as it did?
00:03:07Did you mean for that to embarrass me in some way?
00:03:10Did you mean for that to offend me or hurt me or belittle me?
00:03:14Or did you, did you want me to feel less when you said that?
00:03:19Whenever you talk about intents, that did you mean, did you intend
00:03:22to, did you say that in order to, it questions the very root of
00:03:29their heart in that moment.
00:03:30I'm like, why did they really say that?
00:03:32And they said that to hurt you, to cause that pain.
00:03:35And at the same time, maybe you just took it the wrong way.
00:03:40Like in text message, usually we have a way of reading everything
00:03:43negative in a text message.
00:03:45We never read things positive, right?
00:03:47I could text you, we need to talk.
00:03:50And nobody gets that and goes, yeah, like sick.
00:03:54Yes, let's go.
00:03:55Let's, Chris wants to talk.
00:03:57Let's, let's get after it.
00:03:58Let's go.
00:03:59Uh, we always read the negative.
00:04:00And so did you mean is it also a great way of double checking?
00:04:05Did you mean for that to sound like my wife and I, if I sometimes reply
00:04:09really quickly, she'll say, did you mean for that to sound short?
00:04:12No, no, no.
00:04:13I didn't mean to, I was just in the middle of pickup or I was
00:04:16at a grocery line or whatever.
00:04:17It's you're allowing that, that benefit of the doubt for a second.
00:04:20In both of those situations, uh, where it's not ambiguous about whether or not
00:04:30that was a mean message or not, what you're doing is bringing the person's
00:04:34ugliness to the front because yeah, you're right, even when people say mean things,
00:04:44they feel justified in their meanness.
00:04:47You deserved it.
00:04:48Right.
00:04:48Oh, I'm righteous somehow.
00:04:52And with enough room for the heat to die down a little bit, three, four, five, six,
00:05:05fuck, seven, you know what I mean?
00:05:08It's a long time.
00:05:09Yeah, very, yeah.
00:05:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:11Uh, and to then basically say, do the thing again, but without the heat that
00:05:18powered it when you did it the first time, like you you've run out of fuel.
00:05:22Exactly.
00:05:22And you're now going to have to look at it in a more sterile environment,
00:05:28more plain environment.
00:05:30And I'm just going to ask, I'm not going to infer, I'm going to ask whether the
00:05:38outcome that happened after you said that thing was what you meant, and that is you
00:05:44admitting to your own intent around this.
00:05:46Exactly.
00:05:47It's like you, um, like imagine having to ask a girl out and she's like, well, I
00:05:53didn't hear you, you know, uh, nevermind.
00:05:54Like you don't want to, you don't want to ask it again.
00:05:56It's that feeling of like, I already, I already said it.
00:05:59Said you're so hot.
00:06:00Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:06:02That's right.
00:06:04Um, and then all of a sudden you realize, no, that, that didn't feel good at all.
00:06:09And now it's now they just, they don't want the cheese.
00:06:13They just want out of the trap, you know, they just give me, get me out of here.
00:06:16And they're not, they're not going to want to do that because the making them say it
00:06:19again is just, it's just for revealing they're ugly and darkness hates light.
00:06:25Hmm.
00:06:26No, you were talking about inviting someone to, what are you hearing?
00:06:31What are you hearing from me?
00:06:33What is it, what, what did you just hear me say?
00:06:34Yeah.
00:06:35How are you interpreting that?
00:06:36You know, the idea of a steel man and a straw man, right?
00:06:39So straw man representing the weakest version of someone's argument, steel man,
00:06:43me saying, so we're in a debate, but what I think you're trying to say is, and I
00:06:51put across the best version, the best possible version of your argument.
00:06:54That's good.
00:06:56What you're doing with the invitation is like a reverse steel man or an invited
00:07:01steel man saying, can you tell me what you're hearing me say, and then, ah, okay.
00:07:10So no, not quite.
00:07:11And the same thing with the reason that you do the steel man is so I go, okay, so
00:07:15Jefferson, what I'm hearing from you is this and this and this, is that right?
00:07:20And you go, well, actually, no, you're just saying, Hey, come do the steel man thing
00:07:25for me and then if there's anything that's not fully understood and you're doing the
00:07:29same thing with the insult to a degree, it's like inviting this person to almost
00:07:36steel man, the own, the nuclear warhead that they just dropped on you, right?
00:07:40You know, probably more like a septic tank than a nuclear warhead.
00:07:44Uh, you know, you know, this big puddle of shit that's in front of us.
00:07:50Yeah.
00:07:50Yeah.
00:07:50Is that shit or is it soup?
00:07:52Because I can't, to me, it smells the same, smells a lot like shit.
00:07:58And, uh, just making sure that we're not confused.
00:08:01I'm not confused in what this is.
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:04There's a lot of, there's actually this like hidden power around.
00:08:09Tell me what I'm missing.
00:08:11Tell me what I like.
00:08:13I'm missing something here.
00:08:14Something else is going on.
00:08:15And then you tell me what I'm missing.
00:08:18So lots of times I'll be in a deposition and I'll have somebody who is, I know
00:08:24I've caught them in a lie.
00:08:26There's lots of people lying under oath all the time and they have no problem
00:08:30with it.
00:08:30And because I know, cause I have the evidence right here and they just don't
00:08:33know that I have it.
00:08:34And so it's often the people who it's most blatant.
00:08:41Like they, it's just an easy, they didn't have to lie about it.
00:08:44Like they could have just fallen on the sword, but they're, they're so
00:08:47contradictory that they can't possibly not.
00:08:51So if it's like, if I were to tell you, I feel like you're really upset and
00:08:56they go, I'm not upset.
00:08:57I'm just like, it doesn't matter what emotion I said.
00:09:00They're going to always tell me, I know it's not that I'm okay.
00:09:03It's just, it doesn't matter what it is.
00:09:05They're always going to contradict that.
00:09:07And so when I know I'm up against that kind of person, you have to do this
00:09:13searching with like where questions matter a whole lot more than statements.
00:09:18Meaning if I'm going to ask a question that is more open-ended, I'm getting
00:09:26I'm signaling to this aspect of what am I missing here?
00:09:30I hear you telling me this, I'm missing where you're getting to that.
00:09:35Same way with the insult.
00:09:37What am I, you say that I'm, you know, the whatever, the worst thing.
00:09:43I need you to say that again, because something's missing because it's not
00:09:47hitting me the same way you want it to hit me.
00:09:50So where is that coming from?
00:09:52And, and, and that right there is the, the womp feeling, you know, the
00:09:57blanket, wet blanket of exactly sad emoji for them of like, I've, it didn't, it
00:10:02didn't work, what was missing was they were actually intending to cause pain
00:10:06because they're in pain and it felt better for them to cause you pain than
00:10:10actually deal with their own emotions.
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