How to Think 10 Steps Ahead In Any High Stakes Conversation
VVinh Giang
ManagementAuto Buying and SellingAdult Education
Transcript
00:00:00Most people, they approach high-stake conversations
00:00:02like they're playing a game of checkers.
00:00:04One move at a time, they say what comes to mind
00:00:06and then they just hope for the best.
00:00:08But great communicators, they're playing a game of chess.
00:00:12They're 10 steps ahead.
00:00:14They've already planned the conversation in advance,
00:00:16where it can go wrong,
00:00:17and how to course correct when it does go wrong.
00:00:21I've spent over the last 15 years
00:00:22coaching communication to Fortune 500 companies,
00:00:24and the single biggest difference that I've noticed
00:00:26between people who thrive under pressure
00:00:28and people who don't, it's actually not how smart they are.
00:00:31It's about how they prepare for those types of conversations.
00:00:35We're going to cover two things.
00:00:36Everything before the conversation starts, pre-game.
00:00:39This is how you prepare for a high-stakes conversation.
00:00:42And then everything that happens during the conversation,
00:00:44I call this game time.
00:00:45This is how to navigate the conversation
00:00:47and steer it in the direction you want.
00:00:49By the end of this video,
00:00:50you'll know how to walk into any high-pressure conversation,
00:00:53like a salary negotiation, a difficult client,
00:00:56or a tough conversation with your boss,
00:00:58and you're going to be able to leave with the outcome you want.
00:01:01You see, there are four pathways a conversation could have.
00:01:04The first one is lose-lose.
00:01:07This is where no one gets what they want.
00:01:09Then there is win-lose.
00:01:11This is where you get what you want and the other person doesn't.
00:01:14By the way, this is how people think conversations should be.
00:01:18And then there is win-win.
00:01:20Both parties walk away feeling like they got what they wanted.
00:01:22And the fourth is actually a little bit cheeky because the fourth is lose-win.
00:01:29I'll explain why this is cheeky later.
00:01:32Understanding that these four pathways exist will help you in the pre-game phase.
00:01:37Because now you can see any conversation as a set of four possible outcomes
00:01:41you can deliberately steer towards,
00:01:43instead of something you just react to in the moment.
00:01:46Like I said earlier, most people try to create a win-lose scenario.
00:01:51They think, how do I get what I want here?
00:01:53Let me share with you a story that demonstrates this.
00:01:55My best friend Ali went to Harvard in America
00:01:57to do one of the top negotiation programs in the world.
00:02:00They had about 30 students in the class and they split them into groups of two.
00:02:04One person was selling a product and the other person had to negotiate.
00:02:07So Ali immediately thought to himself,
00:02:09if I'm the person buying the product,
00:02:11my goal is to get the product for the lowest price possible.
00:02:15So he negotiated hard.
00:02:17He's got his partner down 75%.
00:02:19He comes back to the room with a massive smile on his face
00:02:21because he thinks he's done it.
00:02:24But then the professor looked at him and basically said,
00:02:26you actually did really bad, Ali.
00:02:29And Ali was shocked, thinking, what the hell?
00:02:31The professor looked at him and said,
00:02:33the point of a negotiation isn't to destroy the other person and their profit margins.
00:02:38It isn't to make the other person lose.
00:02:41A great negotiation is when both people walk away feeling like they've won.
00:02:47And that lesson is such an important one
00:02:49because Ali got the best numbers in the room,
00:02:51but his partner hated him for it by the end of the process.
00:02:54And this is why I'm telling you that story.
00:02:56The foundational framework for any high stakes conversation has to be win-win.
00:03:00Whether you're asking for a pay rise,
00:03:02whether you're speaking to a difficult client,
00:03:04whether you're trying to get an idea across to your boss,
00:03:06if the whole mindset is win-lose,
00:03:08then it comes across as selfish.
00:03:10And that shows up in your voice,
00:03:11your body language, and your energy.
00:03:14Whereas when your mindset is win-win,
00:03:16you stop trying to corner the other person.
00:03:17Instead, you start trying to understand what they need and how they can win.
00:03:21People can feel this.
00:03:23And I promise you that you will get more of what you want out of this life
00:03:27by having this as a default mindset.
00:03:30And trust me, the goodwill from living this way, it compounds over time.
00:03:34Once you get that right, the next thing you need, that's the pregame.
00:03:38This is where most people go wrong because they think preparation means scripting the whole conversation out in their own head.
00:03:44They think, what am I going to say if they say this?
00:03:46What exact line am I going to use?
00:03:48How do I phrase this perfectly?
00:03:50The issue with that approach is, the moment the conversation moves in a direction you didn't anticipate,
00:03:54the script collapses, and now you're stuck trying to think and speak at the same time.
00:03:58What you actually want before a high-stakes conversation is a high-level map.
00:04:03And this map does not need to be hyper-specific.
00:04:06You're not trying to predict every single turn in the road.
00:04:09You just want to be moving in the right direction.
00:04:11So before any high-stakes or high-pressure conversation, there are three things I want clarity on.
00:04:17Number one, what is the outcome I want?
00:04:20Clarifying your non-negotiable outcome gives you a clear destination.
00:04:25So you can stay flexible with the path while still knowing where to push and when to trade and actually when to walk away.
00:04:32The second question is, what's the outcome they want?
00:04:35This is where we apply the win-win lens.
00:04:38This forces you to step out of your own head and get really specific about what's in it for them, their incentives, and what gets them excited.
00:04:45And number three, what are the sensitive and difficult parts of this conversation?
00:04:50Parts of the conversation where it could go sideways.
00:04:52And how would you navigate it if you happen to get to those places in the conversation?
00:04:57By naming the likely friction points in advance, you can prepare cleaner explanations.
00:05:02Alternative paths.
00:05:04Or questions for each one, which makes you much, much harder to rattle in the moment.
00:05:08Let me show you exactly what I mean by what I just said.
00:05:10One of our dream clients reached out to us.
00:05:12Disney.
00:05:13Now, I watch Disney with my kids all the time.
00:05:15The Lion King?
00:05:16I've watched that like a thousand times.
00:05:18So just getting the opportunity to work with one of the most biggest brands in the world felt amazing.
00:05:24But here's where the pressure came in.
00:05:26They wanted a small, highly tailored session for about 30 of their leaders.
00:05:30And that's great for them.
00:05:32But from our side of the business, those boutique sessions are hard because we coach hundreds and sometimes thousands of people every single cohort we teach.
00:05:40So going into that call, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
00:05:43I didn't want to lose the opportunity.
00:05:45But at the same time, I didn't want to do something that would negatively impact the scalability of our business.
00:05:51So beforehand, I got really clear on what they wanted.
00:05:55They wanted a specialized coaching session for their team.
00:05:58And I got really clear on what I wanted to be able to work with one of the biggest brands in the world and to be able to do so in a way that scales, meaning bigger cohorts, more impact.
00:06:07And I got extremely clear on where the conversation could go sideways.
00:06:11Number one, I put the 30 Disney leaders into my public class that's not tailored to them at all.
00:06:16They'll hate that.
00:06:17Number two, I agree on these smaller classes and it sets a precedent for how we work together in the future that I can't sustain.
00:06:24Or three, they might not end up working with me because I'm too inflexible.
00:06:29And that was the map.
00:06:30It wasn't some hyper-specific script.
00:06:33It was a clear understanding of the lay of the land.
00:06:35And during the conversation, I led with what they needed.
00:06:38I said, hey, look, I completely get why you want a small, tailored class.
00:06:43And if I were in your shoes, I'd want the same thing.
00:06:45But I also named what I needed.
00:06:47I said, we normally work with much larger cohorts.
00:06:50However, I would really love to work with you.
00:06:53This isn't something I would normally do, but we're happy to work on a solution together with you.
00:06:57I'll run this first cohort as a small group of 30.
00:07:00And I'm going to show you that through that experience, how we don't lose any impact with scale.
00:07:05Because we'll be using breakout rooms.
00:07:07So that even if we had 500 people on the call and the training, every single time I teach the leaders a new concept,
00:07:12we'll break them into smaller breakout rooms and in groups of three.
00:07:16So they can apply the things they learn in the small groups.
00:07:18So it doesn't lose its intimacy.
00:07:20But I'll run it with a small group first to prove to you that this is possible.
00:07:24And if I can do this, would you be open to us scaling what we do together?
00:07:28So on the surface, after I said that, it seems like it was a lose-win situation where I lost and I had to compromise.
00:07:35But in actual reality, because I was prepared for the conversation by looking at what they wanted,
00:07:40looking at what I wanted, and looking for the difficult parts of the conversation,
00:07:42I was able to be prepared and be flexible to come up with the solution that I just shared with you above.
00:07:48And do you know what happened?
00:07:50We're working with Disney now!
00:07:52And that's where the whole thing flipped.
00:07:53From being a short-term perceived lose-win to a long-term win-win.
00:07:59They got the small private session that they asked for,
00:08:01and we got the opportunity to open the door to something that is much more scalable.
00:08:06That's what a good pre-game does.
00:08:08You don't walk in hoping it works out.
00:08:10You walk in understanding what matters to both sides,
00:08:12where things might end up wobbling in the conversation.
00:08:15And because you do all of this preparation,
00:08:17you have a much higher chance of reaching the destination you're trying to get to.
00:08:21For me, specifically, I'd love Disney to consider me to be the voice of Mufasa in the future.
00:08:27Remember who you are, Simba.
00:08:30Is that alright? I thought that was pretty good.
00:08:32Knowing my luck, they're probably going to make me Pumbaa, and I'd be okay with that.
00:08:36So, that's what you do before the conversation.
00:08:39But what about when you're actually in the conversation,
00:08:42and somebody throws something at you that you didn't see coming,
00:08:44and you start to get nervous,
00:08:45you start to talk faster as a result of that,
00:08:47and then you start to ramble, and then you start talking in circles,
00:08:49that's where most people lose themselves.
00:08:51So, let me give you a framework that I use in those moments,
00:08:54that's going to help you think on the spot.
00:08:55I call it PAR.
00:08:57P-A-R.
00:08:59PAR.
00:09:00And the P stands for pause.
00:09:02And I know this is hard,
00:09:03because when someone puts you on the spot,
00:09:05your instinct is to start speaking immediately and respond right away.
00:09:08You feel like if you don't answer fast,
00:09:10you're going to look unsure and uncertain.
00:09:12But that's actually a trap.
00:09:14Speaking fast makes you look nervous,
00:09:15and it makes you look like you didn't put any thought into your response.
00:09:19People value your words more when you pause and think about your answer.
00:09:23So, pause.
00:09:24Give yourself three to five seconds.
00:09:26Ten if you need it.
00:09:27And if it's a longer pause,
00:09:29just give them context.
00:09:30You need a little more time.
00:09:31Hey, do you mind just giving me a moment to think through that really thoroughly
00:09:34before I give you an answer?
00:09:35That doesn't make you look weak.
00:09:37It makes you look like someone who actually thinks before they speak.
00:09:40Now, the A is for ask.
00:09:43This one's massive,
00:09:44because in high-pressure conversations,
00:09:46the first question people ask is often not the real question they need answered.
00:09:51There's often a question behind the question.
00:09:54Chris Voss, the author of the amazing book,
00:09:56Never Split the Difference,
00:09:58talks about using calibrated questions,
00:10:00which are questions that begin with a what or a how,
00:10:02which helps you uncover the real question behind their question.
00:10:06This keeps the other person talking,
00:10:08so you get more information,
00:10:09so you have more clarity,
00:10:11so you can give them the answer they actually want.
00:10:15And the best part,
00:10:16while you're asking these questions,
00:10:17guess what you get more of?
00:10:18You get more time to think.
00:10:21Let me give you an example.
00:10:23Let's say you're in a high-stakes meeting,
00:10:24presenting social media performance to a big client of yours,
00:10:27and out of nowhere they ask,
00:10:29Vin, why aren't we growing more this month?
00:10:32Now, if you react too quickly,
00:10:34you'll start defending your whole darn strategy.
00:10:37But if you pause,
00:10:38and then ask a clarifying question,
00:10:40everything's going to change in that conversation.
00:10:42You might just say to them,
00:10:43after you've paused,
00:10:44that's a fair question.
00:10:47How do you define growing right now on social media?
00:10:50Then they're going to say,
00:10:51well, our follower growth looks like it's been trending downwards for the last two months.
00:10:55Now they've identified that growing is linked to follower growth.
00:10:58Then comes the R in PAR.
00:11:01It stands for respond.
00:11:03Now you respond.
00:11:05But you're no longer responding to the surface layer question.
00:11:08You're responding to the real question.
00:11:10Now that you have more clarity on what they mean,
00:11:12you can respond with,
00:11:14yes, follower growth has been down.
00:11:16But if you look at revenue,
00:11:18it's actually grown over the last two months.
00:11:20And that's because we've improved our content targeting to reach more of our ideal customers,
00:11:25resulting in more money in your bank account,
00:11:28which, correct me if I'm wrong,
00:11:29that is the goal, right?
00:11:30You see, if you had rushed to answer that first question,
00:11:33you'd have given the wrong answer to the wrong question.
00:11:37That would make you look bad.
00:11:39But by asking the calibrated question,
00:11:41you were able to steer the conversation in a direction that actually makes you look good
00:11:45and speaks to what the client actually cares about.
00:11:49Money, money, money.
00:11:51So the framework again is simple.
00:11:52You first pause.
00:11:54Then you ask some calibrated questions.
00:11:57And then you respond.
00:12:00But sometimes it's not just par,
00:12:02as I've already slightly alluded to,
00:12:05if you noticed me using plurals before.
00:12:07Sometimes it's par.
00:12:11Because sometimes asking one calibrated question isn't enough.
00:12:16Sometimes you have to ask multiple.
00:12:18And if you want to learn more communication frameworks just like this one,
00:12:21make sure you click the link in the description
00:12:23or scan the QR code that's on screen.
00:12:25I've recorded a free two-hour training
00:12:27that walks you through my top three frameworks
00:12:29that I use every single day
00:12:30to help me structure my thinking before I speak
00:12:33so that I don't ramble
00:12:34and I can get my points across clearly.
00:12:37So check it out if you haven't already
00:12:38because it will change the way you communicate for the better.
00:12:41Now underneath all of that,
00:12:42this is a principle that I believe stops anxiety in high-stakes situations.
00:12:46Panic usually happens when you get attached to one exact path
00:12:49instead of staying anchored to the destination.
00:12:52So the real principle is this.
00:12:54Know the destination, be prepared,
00:12:56and be extremely flexible with the pathway there.
00:12:59And I'll give you a personal example.
00:13:01My dream car is a Ford F-150.
00:13:03Why?
00:13:04Because I lived in America for five years
00:13:05and while I was there, everybody had one.
00:13:07And it was the coolest adventure vehicle I'd ever seen.
00:13:10It was love at first sight.
00:13:12And up until the recent years,
00:13:14this car was not available in Australia.
00:13:17But now it is.
00:13:19And I applied the lessons that I've taught you in this video
00:13:21in the highest stakes conversation I've ever had in my life.
00:13:24It's my wife, B-Win.
00:13:26She's the boss of the Shang household.
00:13:28So going into this conversation,
00:13:29I thought very clearly about what I wanted and why.
00:13:32Then I thought about what's in it for her and the kids.
00:13:34And then I thought about where the conversation could potentially get rocky.
00:13:37Everything that I've taught you so far.
00:13:39And I could already hear her saying,
00:13:40We have too many cars, Vinny.
00:13:42Where's the money going to come from?
00:13:44Why do we need something so big and chunky?
00:13:46So I anticipated all of those things before the conversation even happened.
00:13:50Oh, I was prepared.
00:13:52And so when I had the conversation,
00:13:53I focused the conversation around the win-win.
00:13:55What's in it for both us and the kids.
00:13:57Big boot space for carrying supplies that we need for our renovations.
00:14:01Epic towing power to tow the family caravan safely.
00:14:04Because if it was just me, I wouldn't care.
00:14:06But when you and the kids are in the car, safety is paramount.
00:14:09When we go to Costco, we can put two months worth of groceries in the U bed.
00:14:12So less grocery trips.
00:14:14It's a big reminder of the chapter of us living in the US and how much we loved it.
00:14:18There are massage seats in the front seats.
00:14:21It makes long road trips more comfortable for you and I.
00:14:24We have a car now that can fit the kids bikes, kayaks and scooters all at once.
00:14:29The dogs can finally go on road trips with us
00:14:32without pooping and vomiting and destroying the leather seats in the back.
00:14:36And finally, you know what they say.
00:14:38Happy husband, less money in the bank account.
00:14:41But don't forget the first part.
00:14:43Happy husband.
00:14:44And during that conversation, I watched her face change.
00:14:47She smiled.
00:14:48Then she also looked angry at some parts, but mostly it was smiles.
00:14:51And in the beginning, it was a hard no.
00:14:54But as I started explaining the family benefits,
00:14:57I watched her start to nod along.
00:14:59And then guess what happened?
00:15:00We got the truck.
00:15:01We got the truck.
00:15:02Oh my God, I got the F-150.
00:15:03I'm so happy.
00:15:04And it's in black too.
00:15:05How cool does it look?
00:15:06And trust me, this doesn't just work in your personal life.
00:15:09It works in your professional life too.
00:15:11And you're going to be able to get more of the things you want out of life if you remember.
00:15:16First, go in with a win-win mindset.
00:15:19Second, do the pregame and build the map before you walk into the conversation.
00:15:23And third, when the conversation gets a little bit rocky, use the PAR framework.
00:15:29And finally, know the destination you want to get to with clarity,
00:15:33but stay flexible with the pathway there.
00:15:36Oh, and make sure you go check out the free two-hour training on communication frameworks.
00:15:39If you want to get better at communicating under pressure and stop rambling,
00:15:43scan the QR code or click the link in the description.
00:15:45I'll see you inside that training.