“Something Funny Happens When You Stop Needing Women” - Mark Manson
CChris Williamson
정신 건강다이어트/영양패션/의류
Transcript
00:00:00Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself.
00:00:05Anytime you alter your words or behavior to fit someone else's needs rather than your own, that's needy.
00:00:11Anytime you lie about your interests, hobbies, or background, that's needy.
00:00:14Anytime you pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself, that's needy.
00:00:20Whereas most people focus on what behavior is attractive or unattractive,
00:00:23what determines neediness, and therefore attractiveness, is the "why" behind your behavior.
00:00:28You can say the coolest thing or do what everyone else does,
00:00:32but if you do it for the wrong reason, you will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off.
00:00:38Pulling out the classics.
00:00:39That's an old one.
00:00:40The old hits. That's from Models.
00:00:44She's going to be 15 years old this year.
00:00:45Unreal. Everyone needs to go and read it, dude.
00:00:47Anyone that needs a new book, go and read an old book.
00:00:50And that is now an old book.
00:00:51It is.
00:00:52So that and Mate by Jeffrey Miller and Tucker Max are the two-car garage of dating books for men.
00:00:58That's it. And it's still relevant now.
00:01:00It's mad that like, hey, a t-shirt that fits and jeans that don't have stains on them
00:01:07is still probably revolutionary advice for a lot of guys.
00:01:10But yeah, it's fucking, it's money.
00:01:12Yeah.
00:01:13But the whole thesis of that book, for the people that haven't read it, neediness is unattractive, basically.
00:01:18You could summarize the whole book for men as in dating, neediness is unattractive.
00:01:23It's really funny because, so for people listening who don't know, like I started my career as a dating coach.
00:01:31And from like 2008 to like 2013, Models came out in 2011.
00:01:38But I was meeting dozens and dozens of guys in person.
00:01:42I was taking them out to bars and clubs and helping them meet girls online and, you know,
00:01:47giving them advice on dates, on relationships, everything.
00:01:51And it was so funny because at the time it was like the whole men's dating advice space, it was super fragmented.
00:01:56There was almost like different classes you had to take at a college, right?
00:02:00There was like texting game and then there was like the first date that you had to master.
00:02:05And then there was the opener that you had to like figure out.
00:02:08And I just, I kind of wanted a unified theory of men's attractiveness.
00:02:17Because what I noticed is that guys who were supremely attractive in one moment,
00:02:23in one like in one phase of the early relationship just seemed to not really have any problems in any other part.
00:02:30It's not it's not like there were any men who are like amazing at meeting a girl in a bar and then went on a date and just embarrassed themselves.
00:02:37Like it just didn't really happen.
00:02:39It was you kind of either had winners and losers.
00:02:42Yeah, you either had the skills or you didn't.
00:02:44And there was nothing special about like a text message or, you know, a second date that like you couldn't figure out if you if you had the fundamentals in place.
00:02:56So it was like kind of searching for this this unified theory of of like men's attractiveness.
00:03:00And what I noticed, what I noticed about all of the men that I knew who were incredibly successful with women, regardless of their circumstances in life,
00:03:10you know, how old they were, their appearance, money, background, anything was they just had this.
00:03:21They prioritize their perception of themselves over the perception of the girls, like all the guys who were who were terrible with women and who struggled with women.
00:03:29And even some of the ones who could kind of perform like a dancing monkey and maybe get a little like a hook up here and there.
00:03:35But they would lose the girl inevitably within a few days.
00:03:40I noticed that everything that motivated what they said, what they did, how they dressed, how they presented themselves, it was what is she going to like and what does she want to hear?
00:03:51And and so it kind of it became this what I realized around that time is that ultimately.
00:04:01And I think this is true for women as well, but I think it's more true of men that your attractiveness is really dictated by.
00:04:09Your comfort with yourself and how deeply you have explored your own life, your own identity and your willingness to share that with the world and.
00:04:22The result, neediness was kind of that glue that held everything together or the concept of non neediness, right, is like, don't do things for other people's approval, don't don't change your lifestyle for other people's approval, don't work out for other people's approval.
00:04:36Don't say some bullshit line in a bar for other people's approval.
00:04:40Like it's just it's all the same thing and it's all just being needy for validation and approval.
00:04:49And it's. I guess I'm fortunate it's just a very timeless concept, like it's it's as true today as it was then.
00:04:56Yeah, and it probably always will be because it's. I think it's if I was to describe my career in like a simple phrase.
00:05:05It would be taking very abstract, intangible concepts and like concretizing them in a single phrase or a single term in a way that like an average person on the street can understand and use them.
00:05:18Like that's entire, like that's essentially my entire job and like why I'm here and why I've done anything.
00:05:26And I think I think the non neediness was like my first real success at that.
00:05:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:32Essentializing, distilling things down.
00:05:34Someone wants the two best descriptions I've ever heard of modern wisdom.
00:05:39One was.
00:05:41Brains and brawn.
00:05:42Yeah, it was crushing a Tuesday actually.
00:05:45Dispelling comforting myths was one.
00:05:48And another one was it feels like spirulina for my soul in an environment filled with fast food for my amygdala.
00:05:57And I was like that's that's that's lovely.
00:05:58Very poetic.
00:05:59But yeah, like look, essentializing something.
00:06:01There's this big fluffy concept.
00:06:02Like what were we saying?
00:06:03Overoptimization, too much information.
00:06:05I'm feeling all da da da da.
00:06:07Like I don't think that you're going to get even with where LLMs are at the moment.
00:06:11I don't think you're going to be able to get the unwieldy world of human attraction distilled
00:06:17down to prioritize your approval of yourself over other people's approval of you.
00:06:25Don't be needy, right?
00:06:26That just that is a distillation that kind of requires a human in the loop.
00:06:31Yeah.
00:06:31Because it's about language.
00:06:33It's about, okay, what does this mean?
00:06:35Not what is it if you synthesize it, right?
00:06:38It's not a synthetic idea.
00:06:39It's still quite an organic one.
00:06:40But yeah, when I think about the problem with the neediness thing, it also explains why so
00:06:47many guys felt like, I mean, the red pill movement was born out of PUA hate.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:52Remember that?
00:06:52Yeah.
00:06:53Because that was your era, the PUA hate thing.
00:06:55So these are guys who had found success or found failure with pickup artistry.
00:07:01And I think that both of them were quite deranged.
00:07:03The guys that had found failure with pickup artistry saw themselves as so broken that even
00:07:08the most evidence-based system to ensure that they could get laid couldn't help them.
00:07:12And I mean, that's pretty dispiriting.
00:07:14But then the guys who did find success with it also felt like they were dispirited because
00:07:19they said, God, look at how much I have to contort myself in order to be remotely attractive
00:07:25to a woman.
00:07:26And this is an example of none of them stopped to consider that it's just maybe the system
00:07:30is wrong.
00:07:31Like the model is incorrect.
00:07:33And so they just assumed, no, women are incorrect, right?
00:07:37It's like, it's the problem isn't that like every woman on the planet is broken.
00:07:43It's the problem is that your model of dating in human relationships is broken, but you're
00:07:48not willing to toss that out because you're so psychologically dependent on it.
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00:09:00Congratulations.
00:09:01You made it to the end of a clip and the full length episode is available.
00:09:04right here. Go on.