00:00:00My name's Vin and I've been teaching communication skills now for the last 15 years to CEOs, Fortune 500 companies and millions of people from all over the world.
00:00:07And in that time, there are things I used to believe deeply about communication that I also taught confidently from the stage.
00:00:15And I was wrong. Yeah, I was wrong on those things.
00:00:18So here are the five big things I got wrong about communication, and this is what I now believe instead.
00:00:25And I need to share this with you because there's a real chance you believe some of the same things that I used to teach.
00:00:30And if you keep believing them, it actually make you a worse communicator, not a better one.
00:00:35Number one, fake it till you make it.
00:00:37I used to teach this idea with a lot of conviction.
00:00:39Act as if you're a confident person.
00:00:42If you're not a confident person yet, just pretend and eventually you'll become confident.
00:00:47I said that for years because on the surface it made sense, but the older that I got, the more I started to realize that I sent people in the wrong direction.
00:00:55Because when you tell yourself you're faking it, then there's this part of you that knows you're faking it.
00:01:02And if it's something you can feel, then trust me, other people can feel it as well.
00:01:06When I was in my early 20s, I did a few months of work experience at a large accounting firm.
00:01:11And I remember walking in every single day thinking I had to become this version of myself that looked more professional, more polished and more corporate.
00:01:19I spoke louder and used larger gestures. I dressed in a suit and tie.
00:01:23I was constantly pretending to be that person because again, in my mind, I was faking it until I was going to make it.
00:01:30Then I made the same mistake again in a completely different part of my life.
00:01:34For years I wanted to improve my fashion sense because my wardrobe was very simple, white t-shirts, black t-shirts, baggy pants, that was it.
00:01:42Kind of feels like I'm describing one of my co-workers, Peter over there.
00:01:46Seriously Peter, change it up.
00:01:48There came a point where I wanted to change things up a bit, but I brought the same mindset, the fake it till you make it one.
00:01:53I tried wearing tight blue jeans and then immediately felt, ew, you're being fake, you're being phony.
00:02:00But over time I started to realise that me trying on new different types of clothes, it doesn't make me inauthentic, it doesn't make me fake, it doesn't make me phony.
00:02:07It was just me exploring my fashion sense, that was it.
00:02:11Just trying it on, if I don't like it, it doesn't mean I have to keep it on, I'm just exploring and the clue there is the word "explore".
00:02:18So instead of continuing with that mindset and thinking to myself, fake it till you make it, I started thinking, you know what, this is just me exploring the unfamiliar.
00:02:28Trying on things I've never tried before.
00:02:31This not only applied to the way that I explored my fashion sense, it applied to the way I approached my communication skills journey.
00:02:37As I started to speak louder, because I wanted to be more confident, I didn't feel fake anymore.
00:02:42And the reason I didn't feel fake is because to me, the mindset shift had been made.
00:02:46I'm now just exploring the unfamiliar, I'm just exploring the unfamiliar volumes that I used to never play with.
00:02:52And as I started to use bigger body language, again I didn't feel fake, it was just me exploring the unfamiliar.
00:02:59And that language pattern makes all the difference, because one path feels like you're acting, while the other path feels like discovery.
00:03:05And if you want to begin your own exploration process of your own communication skills, you need to first develop self-awareness.
00:03:13What are you doing wrong with your voice? What are you doing wrong with your body language? What are you doing wrong with the structure of how you speak?
00:03:19Without self-awareness, you can't improve the way you communicate.
00:03:21So I've created a three-part program that's going to help you do so, and you can access it for completely free.
00:03:27Where I'm going to walk you through exactly how to identify the non-functional communication habits that you exhibit on a daily basis.
00:03:33And if you want to access this free training, just scan the QR code or click the link in the description below.
00:03:38Millions of people have been through this, and it's dramatically shifted the way they communicate, almost immediately.
00:03:43Okay, now to false belief number two. Communication is a performance.
00:03:47For a long time, I believed that masterful communication was just a performance, and that belief came from a very specific part of my life.
00:03:55Here's where it started. I used to be a professional magician in my early 20s, and during that time, I lived by this powerful quote by a magician named John Eugene Robert-Hudin.
00:04:06And he said, "A magician is just an actor playing the part of a magician."
00:04:12When I read that quote, I understood that if I wanted to become a better magician, I needed to learn how to perform an act.
00:04:19So I went and started theatre classes. I studied performance, vocal pace, gestures, stage presence, how to command a room.
00:04:27I eventually became a better performer, but here's where I went wrong.
00:04:31Without realizing it, I took those lessons from the world of theatre, and I applied it to real-world communication.
00:04:36I started to perform in every single conversation, every single presentation.
00:04:42On the surface, I was doing everything right. The skills were there, the technique was there, but the intent was completely wrong.
00:04:49I wasn't communicating to connect with people. I was communicating to impress them.
00:04:53Again, I learned this from the world of theatre, because in the world of theatre, you're performing to impress, often and most of the time.
00:04:59And that's what happens when you get stuck in that performance mode.
00:05:03Your focus is on how you come across, not how to connect with the person in front of you.
00:05:09So let me give you something practical you can take away from this.
00:05:11The next time you walk into a conversation, whether it's in a meeting, a presentation, or a first date, whatever the situation,
00:05:18pay attention to the questions running in the back of your mind.
00:05:22Because in performance mode, the questions you're asking yourself constantly are,
00:05:25"How am I coming across right now? Am I sounding smart enough? Am I saying the right thing? Do they think I'm credible?
00:05:32Are they impressed with me?"
00:05:34You see the problem with these questions? They're all about you. It's just me, me, me, me, me.
00:05:39But when you switch to connection mode, the questions that you're thinking in the back of your head, they should change.
00:05:44What are they actually feeling? What are they not saying in our conversation right now?
00:05:49What would make them feel like I actually see them?
00:05:52See the difference with these questions? They put the focus on the other person.
00:05:56And let me be really clear with you two.
00:05:58The first time I made this conscious switch, it felt a little bit uncomfortable,
00:06:02because when you stop performing, you have to get rid of the scripts that you've been repeating for the longest time.
00:06:08You don't know what you want to say next now because you're actually listening to the person and waiting for your turn to speak.
00:06:14And trust me, the person that's sitting in front of you, they can feel the difference between you trying to be impressive
00:06:19and you trying to sit there and understand them.
00:06:22They might not immediately be able to label it, but trust me, again, they can feel it.
00:06:27Now to number three, this one I'm actually a little bit embarrassed about, to be honest,
00:06:32because I spent years teaching people how to speak better and almost no time teaching them how to listen better.
00:06:38Back in 2016, I ran my first Communication Skills class in America.
00:06:42It was actually in a theater in Long Beach, Southern California.
00:06:45We had a theater with 200 seats and about 35 people showed up.
00:06:49And I ran a three-day workshop on voice training, body language, storytelling, presence, all of it.
00:06:54And near the end of day three, with about one hour left, there was a woman named Mary.
00:06:59She raised her hand and she said, "Hey, Vin, there's only one hour left.
00:07:03When are we going to learn about active listening? Are you taking us through listening?"
00:07:07And I replied back to her and I said, "Mary, this is a class on public speaking, not public listening."
00:07:15And I thought people were going to laugh.
00:07:17The very next day, Mary sent me an email and she was giving me very strong feedback.
00:07:21And she told me that I'd missed the larger half of communication in my entire workshop.
00:07:26And you know what? Yep, she was right.
00:07:28I'd spent my whole early 20s learning how to be heard.
00:07:32And I obsessed about it to the point where I didn't realize I was missing the other 50% of communication.
00:07:37I never made others feel heard.
00:07:41I never had active listening in my repertoire.
00:07:44Let me show you an example of what Vin was like before he learned how to listen.
00:07:49And then I'm going to show you another example of Vin after he learned how to listen.
00:07:53Have a look at this before and after.
00:07:54Vin, I just started doing archery and man, it's so difficult.
00:07:57Oh my God, I love archery. It's so easy.
00:08:01It's difficult, yeah.
00:08:02It's super easy.
00:08:07I just started doing archery and man, it's so difficult.
00:08:10But the thing I love most about it is how present it makes me feel.
00:08:13Oh, Peter, that sounds so beautiful, man.
00:08:15I'm so glad that you found a hobby that helps you relax and unwind.
00:08:18Yeah, man, my work is so stressful.
00:08:20Working with a boss who's just like a massive tyrant.
00:08:23But ever since I started doing archery, my quality of life has improved massively.
00:08:26Man, I love talking to you.
00:08:28Ah, it's all good, Peter. It's my pleasure, man.
00:08:31Get back to work.
00:08:31Yeah, I think Peter forgets that I'm actually his boss sometimes.
00:08:36Before I learned how to listen, every relationship in my life was pretty surface level.
00:08:41And I used to wonder, why?
00:08:43Why don't I have more depth in my life?
00:08:46Why does every conversation feel like small talk?
00:08:47And I freaking hated small talk.
00:08:49Why does everybody not want to go deeper with me?
00:08:52I see them go deeper with other people.
00:08:54And then I started to realise that, well, people did want to go deeper with me.
00:08:57They were leaving clues in every single conversation, little openings,
00:09:01little moments where they were inviting me into their lives.
00:09:03But I missed all of them every single damn time because I wasn't listening.
00:09:08I was just waiting for my bloody turn to talk.
00:09:11I need to hammer this point home.
00:09:13I'm going to show you another skit, another example,
00:09:15because it's critical that you get exactly what I mean here.
00:09:20Yo, Pete, how was your night last night?
00:09:21Yeah, it was okay, I guess.
00:09:23Oh, that's good. I'm glad to hear that.
00:09:25Okay, well, work is... No, it works that way. Work harder.
00:09:28Attaboy.
00:09:29Did you notice that?
00:09:30Peter's voice gave away that he was feeling a little down.
00:09:33And the pause before he said it was okay.
00:09:35The word choice saying, "Okay, I guess."
00:09:39These are all clues that if I picked up on it, it could have led to this instead.
00:09:43Yo, Pete, how was your night last night?
00:09:45Yeah, it's been okay, I guess.
00:09:46Uh, it doesn't sound okay, man.
00:09:49You want to talk about it?
00:09:50Man, my work's just been piling up.
00:09:51I've been working extra hours, and I've just been having to take my work home.
00:09:55It's just been so overwhelming.
00:09:56Oh, Pete, you silly bugger.
00:09:58All we're going to do is take half of your workload over here,
00:10:02take it from this desk, move it over here, and give it to old mate Andy.
00:10:06He's happy with this, aren't you, Andy?
00:10:07You see, we're all happy now.
00:10:10All of us, a big old happy family, all ready to work together.
00:10:13You got this, Pete.
00:10:14There are opportunities for depth in every single conversation
00:10:18that exist all around you, all around me, all around all of us.
00:10:22Most of us just don't listen.
00:10:23We miss the vocal cues.
00:10:25We miss the visual cues.
00:10:26As you start to listen more, you'll start to deepen the connection you feel with others
00:10:31and others feel with you.
00:10:32What I now believe is that listening is just as important as speaking,
00:10:37if not more important.
00:10:40So Mary, thanks for this lesson.
00:10:41You've actually made me a better person.
00:10:43False belief number four, the introvert and extrovert myth.
00:10:48I used to believe that if you're an introvert, it's fine for you to stay small.
00:10:51It's fine for you to speak quietly.
00:10:53That's just who you are.
00:10:54Don't worry about it.
00:10:55And I wouldn't push my introverted students as hard.
00:10:57And for as long as I used to believe this, I was only serving half of my class.
00:11:01I remember this conversation I had with my vocal teacher, Miss Stanley.
00:11:04She said, "Vin, I want you to imagine two world-class pianists.
00:11:08One is an introvert and the other one is an extrovert.
00:11:11Does this change how they play their instrument between the extrovert and the introvert?
00:11:16Does it change how they play it?"
00:11:17And what I learned from Miss Stanley was that the instrument does not care about your personality
00:11:22type.
00:11:22And with just this one lesson, Miss Stanley rewired the way I think about this entire situation.
00:11:27Because your voice and your body language, your ability to connect with another human
00:11:31being, that's your instrument.
00:11:33Just like the piano, he doesn't care whether you're an introvert or an extrovert.
00:11:36He only cares whether you're good with the instrument.
00:11:39I've worked with thousands of students over the last 15 years.
00:11:42And some of the most magnetic communicators I've ever seen are deeply introverted.
00:11:46They're not loud.
00:11:48They're not the center of attention all the time.
00:11:50But when they need to be, when they speak, people lean in because they've done the work.
00:11:56They've learned how to use their instrument.
00:11:58They can switch it on and they can switch it off.
00:12:00So to the introverts watching this video, stop using that as a label and as a reason for you
00:12:05not to try and for you not to learn how to use your voice and your body language.
00:12:09You're not disqualified from being a great communicator.
00:12:12You just haven't given yourself permission to practice because you've been using this
00:12:16as an excuse.
00:12:17And to the extroverts, don't assume that you're sorted.
00:12:20Being comfortable talking is not the same thing as being bloody good at it.
00:12:24And here's where this goes even deeper down the rabbit hole.
00:12:27Take a deep breath.
00:12:28We're about to go down and see how deep this rabbit hole actually goes.
00:12:31For a long time, I thought the way that I communicated just was who I was.
00:12:35This is just my voice.
00:12:36This is just how I sound.
00:12:37This is just me.
00:12:38I actually never questioned it until I sat with this idea.
00:12:42The way you communicate right now, it's not something you were born with.
00:12:46It's something that you absorbed from your parents, your siblings, your friends, your
00:12:51teachers, the other kids at school.
00:12:53Every single person you were around during your formative years left a mark on the way
00:12:57you speak and the way you listen and the way you carry yourself.
00:13:01What you have right now is a collection of habits that you've picked up without even
00:13:07realizing it.
00:13:07And here's why this is important.
00:13:09If it's a habit, it can be changed.
00:13:13The version of you that shows up in a conversation right now, that's just one version of you.
00:13:18It's not the final version of you.
00:13:20But for as long as you keep telling yourself, this is how I am, this is how I'm forever
00:13:24going to be, you're never going to evolve into the future version of you.
00:13:28So here's what I want you to take away from this.
00:13:31Your personality type is not your ceiling.
00:13:35It's just your starting point.
00:13:37An introvert who puts in the work will outperform an extrovert who does it every single time.
00:13:42And the way you communicate today is not permanent.
00:13:45It's just the familiar.
00:13:47It's just a series of habits and habits you can change.
00:13:52You've already proven to yourself that you can change the way you communicate.
00:13:56You speak differently when you're with your best mate as compared to when you speak with
00:13:59your boss.
00:13:59You speak differently when you're with your kids as opposed to when you're speaking to
00:14:02a stranger.
00:14:03You already have range.
00:14:05You just haven't made it conscious yet.
00:14:07So stop asking am I an introvert or am I an extrovert and allow that to dictate how you
00:14:12communicate and start asking these questions instead.
00:14:14Have I actually practiced with my instrument?
00:14:18Have I truly started to explore what this instrument is capable of?
00:14:23Am I still letting who I was back in the past decide who I get to become in the future?
00:14:29Because those are the only questions that matter.
00:14:32Not am I an introvert or am I an extrovert.
00:14:35Point number five, communication is a science.
00:14:38For a long, long time I treated communication like it was a science.
00:14:42Oxygen plus hydrogen makes water every single time.
00:14:45No exceptions.
00:14:46Fixed inputs, fixed outputs.
00:14:48It's science.
00:14:49That's how I thought about communication skills.
00:14:52Louder voice, bigger gestures, strong eye contact equals influence every single time.
00:14:59And then I tried it in the real world and this is really weird but it worked in some rooms
00:15:03and in others it made me come across as intimidating, over the top and a little bit too much.
00:15:07It was the same inputs but I had different outputs.
00:15:09I remember thinking to myself, what the frick?
00:15:11This is weird.
00:15:12I had the same experience with humour.
00:15:14I'd tell a story that was light, warm, funny and in one room it hits perfectly and then
00:15:18in another room the exact same story, the exact same delivery, it offended somebody.
00:15:22Same words, completely different impact.
00:15:24That's when I realised that communication isn't a science.
00:15:27It's an art form.
00:15:29Science will give you fixed rules.
00:15:32Art gives you principles.
00:15:33Art requires you to read the context, feel the room and then adjust in real time.
00:15:38You can't just run the formula.
00:15:40You have to develop judgement.
00:15:42And this one belief changed the way that I teach.
00:15:45Because once I stopped treating communication like a science, I stopped obsessing over the
00:15:50perfect formula and I started paying attention to something that's much more important.
00:15:54Emotional intelligence.
00:15:57And in about 82 seconds I'm going to give you a practical way to learn and apply EQ.
00:16:03Emotional intelligence.
00:16:05Emotional intelligence is not just a formula.
00:16:07You can't just memorise the right amount of eye contact, pair it with the right number
00:16:11of gestures and the right vocal tone and expect that combination to work in the same way in
00:16:14every single room with every single person in every single situation.
00:16:19Life doesn't work like that.
00:16:21And human beings definitely don't work like that.
00:16:23What works beautifully for one person can feel way too intense for another.
00:16:27What feels playful and warm to one can come across as disrespectful to a different person
00:16:32in a different room.
00:16:33What feels supportive to another person can feel patronising to someone else.
00:16:37Even though you've said the exact same things with the words with the exact same delivery.
00:16:42And that's exactly why communication is an art form.
00:16:44Because art requires that sensitivity.
00:16:46And an artist doesn't just slap on paint all over a canvas and hopes for the best.
00:16:50They're constantly paying attention, constantly adjusting, constantly responding to what's
00:16:56in front of them.
00:16:56And that's what emotional intelligent communication looks like in practice.
00:17:00It's the ability to read what's happening in real time and then adjust how you show up
00:17:04based on what the moment needs from you.
00:17:07It's knowing when to bring the energy, when to bring the softness.
00:17:10It's knowing when to bring a joke that's going to help break the tension versus when the same
00:17:14joke is going to make things worse.
00:17:16It's knowing when to speak up and when the most powerful thing you can do is just hold
00:17:21space and listen.
00:17:24OK, so here's a practical tip.
00:17:25If you want to get better at emotional intelligence, stop walking into conversations trying to be
00:17:29the most impressive person in the room.
00:17:31Referring back to the rule before.
00:17:33And start walking into the room with a different question.
00:17:35What's this particular moment?
00:17:37What's this moment asking of me?
00:17:39Not what worked in the last room that I was in or what's the best line for me to use here.
00:17:44But really think about what does this specific person in front of me, what do they need right
00:17:49now?
00:17:50Do they need encouragement?
00:17:51Do they need certainty?
00:17:53Do they need me to slow down?
00:17:55Do they need me to listen more or do they need me to share some advice?
00:17:59Because emotional intelligence is really just the ability to notice what's happening in the
00:18:04room in front of you.
00:18:05What has changed in this moment?
00:18:08How do I change with it?
00:18:09That is real time feedback.
00:18:11Then the more you tune into it, the better your judgement becomes over time.
00:18:15So yes, learn the skills, learn the frameworks, learn all of the mechanics.
00:18:19Everything you're learning matters.
00:18:20But never forget the mechanics, that's not the art form.
00:18:24The art is in how well you can feel what the moment requires from you and respond to it
00:18:30in real time.
00:18:31That is communication and that is emotional intelligence paired with masterful communication.
00:18:36Those are the five things I got wrong early in my communication skills journey.
00:18:40And what I believe now has completely changed the way I show up as a person and as a teacher
00:18:46in this space.
00:18:47So make sure you leave a like and subscribe because this helps the YouTube algorithm send
00:18:51out videos to more people like yourself.
00:18:53And if you want to go deeper and explore your communication skills and develop more self
00:18:57awareness, make sure you go and check out my free three part video series in the description
00:19:01or you can scan the QR code up there.
00:19:04I'll see you next video.