Transcript
00:00:00shut up yeah that's one of the fastest ways to become more influential according to who i consider
00:00:06to be the godfather of communication dale carnegie who wrote the book how to win friends and influence
00:00:12people and in this video i want to share with you the three biggest lessons from this book that will
00:00:17make you a more influential communicator my name is vin and for more than a decade i've taught
00:00:22millions of people around the world how to become a better communicator and this year i also became
00:00:27an author so to celebrate over the next few months i'll be sharing the most powerful lessons from my
00:00:33favorite communication books that have shaped me and the person that i've become and the funny thing
00:00:38is i was given this book when i was about 12. my uncle car gave it to me and i looked at the title
00:00:44and i thought to myself i don't need help making friends i know how to do that and influence i didn't
00:00:50even know what that word meant nor why it mattered so i thanked my uncle and i didn't read it sorry
00:00:56uncle car it wasn't until i was in my early 20s when the desire to make something of my life started to
00:01:02set in then this book hit me very differently because it taught me a lesson that has shaped my
00:01:06life ever since success leaves clues there are people who've spent decades working things out and
00:01:12then for 20 to 30 dollars they put the blueprint in your hands i didn't have to work everything out
00:01:17by myself i could stand on the shoulders of giants and dale carnegie was one of the first giants in my life
00:01:22lesson one start with what they want if you want to influence someone stop beginning with what you
00:01:30want and start with what they want dale uses this wonderful analogy about fishing i mean he loves
00:01:35strawberries and cream i mean i do too but when he goes fishing does he put strawberries and cream
00:01:40on the hook no because the fish doesn't care what dale carnegie likes for dessert the fish wants worms
00:01:46and this sounds so obvious but i realized that i recently had made the exact same mistake with my
00:01:54wife i love camping i love everything to do with camping and when i first tried to convince pay when
00:01:58to go i sold it to her using the things that excite me about camping so i'd say things like pay when
00:02:05imagine this we're out in the wilderness with the children there are no bathrooms we'll have to dig some
00:02:10holes it's cold so we're gonna have to make our own fire cut down our own wood and we have to survive
00:02:15and i would get more excited with every sentence meanwhile poor pay when on the other side is
00:02:19looking at me like i'm describing a hostage situation i was selling her my version of
00:02:24strawberries and cream actually no in this scenario i was more selling her hypothermia the problem was
00:02:30not camping itself i was explaining it from my point of view i needed to think about what motivated
00:02:36my wife pay when and what would have motivated her quality time with the family disconnecting from
00:02:41our devices watching the kids explore nature it's the same damn camping trip but it would be a completely
00:02:47different conversation and we probably would have went camping and this is where so many of us get
00:02:51persuasion wrong including me still to this day we spend all our time explaining why we care but if
00:02:57you're trying to influence someone else at some point you have to get out of your own head and think
00:03:01about what's in it for them you're going to look at it from their perspective what do they care about
00:03:05what do they want more of what do they want less of i had to learn this in my own business too for years i
00:03:11thought i was selling communication skills use your voice improve your body language become a better
00:03:15storyteller those were my versions of strawberries and cream but most people aren't lying there awake at
00:03:20two in the morning at night thinking my melodic variation is inadequate they're thinking why don't
00:03:25people take me seriously why do i freeze in meetings why do i feel invisible you see they're not buying
00:03:30communication skills they're trying to be more confident more respected and they're trying to
00:03:35become more influential and this is one of the key reasons why i wrote before we forget how to connect
00:03:40to help you learn how to use your voice your body language and storytelling so you can be more
00:03:45influential but then also there's a whole section dedicated to listening so that you can understand
00:03:50what's important to the other person and look i don't want you to just read the ideas in this book i
00:03:55want to help you practice them so we've created a special pre-order bonus if you pre-order the book
00:04:00this month you'll get a free ticket to join me live for my three-day online event called break the mold
00:04:06where you work on your voice so you can come across with more authority you work on your body language
00:04:11so we can increase your presence and i'll teach you how to express your ideas in a way that's clear
00:04:15concise and coherent so the link is below if you want to pre-order the book or you can scan the qr code
00:04:20on screen lesson two listen before you solve while we're on the subject of getting out of our own heads
00:04:27dale's second lesson is something i'm still having to work at every single day and it's listening my
00:04:32default mode is to listen to solve you tell me a problem i'm in okay here's what you need to do
00:04:39step one is this step two is this i've made you a spreadsheet with a 12-week action plan you didn't
00:04:43ask for the action plan but i've made you one anyway that's my go-to move my other bad habit is that i'm too
00:04:51quick to find my version of your story so if you tell me you're tired and exhausted then i'm very
00:04:57quickly going to say oh you think you're tired do you have two kids two dogs two cats four chickens
00:05:02and three alpacas do you i always think it's a game of comparison so there are two ways i accidentally
00:05:07make the conversation about me one i solve your story or two i match and then one up your story it's
00:05:14super annoying and i'm not saying this is always bad sometimes people actually want advice they want a
00:05:1912-step action plan sometimes people want you to share experiences with them because that's what
00:05:24creates connection the problem is timing if you do these things too quickly as people are talking i've
00:05:30already made the conversation about me before you finish telling your story and as a teacher i used
00:05:35to do this all the time in my workshops a student would come up to me and say hey vin i need to sell
00:05:40more confident in meetings and immediately my communication teacher brain wants to fix it i'd say volume
00:05:45rate of speech body language it's easy let's go let's make the change but if
00:05:49i stuck with them just a little longer ask them a few more questions hey tell me more when did you
00:05:56notice your confidence start to drop sometimes the real problem they're experiencing is completely
00:06:01different to the one they were showing maybe a senior team member constantly interrupts them
00:06:06maybe they know their subject really well but the moment they get challenged their mind goes blank
00:06:11maybe they're not struggling to speak maybe they're just terrified of being wrong
00:06:16if i solve the first sentence they gave me i might have solved the wrong damn thing
00:06:21people know more about their own inner world than you do but because we're so eager to contribute and
00:06:26help sometimes we interrupt the discovery process so here's something i've been trying to practice
00:06:32before you give the advice before you share your version of the story ask three more follow-up
00:06:38questions to the person who's talking tell me more about what happened how did that make you feel
00:06:43is there anything else i want you to just stay in their world for three questions longer because what
00:06:49does this do this will show them that you care and once they know you care then when you share your
00:06:55version of the story then when you share your thoughts maybe even your advice they're much more
00:07:00likely to listen to you because now the bridge of connection has been built and that brings me to
00:07:05the third lesson in this wonderful book names and this one is strangely personal to me because my name
00:07:13is vin jang v-i-n-h-g-i-a-n-g and throughout my life people have forgotten it they've misspelled it i
00:07:20don't know how on earth they mispronounce vin there was an event i did years ago where the organizer
00:07:25spelt my name incorrectly yeah and i got really upset far more upset than the situation deserved
00:07:32the poor damn event organizer did not deserve it it was a mistake but they accidentally received
00:07:37years of accumulated frustration from me in that moment because when i look back at that situation
00:07:42now i wasn't angry because of one spelling mistake for a long time in my life i felt forgettable and
00:07:48seeing my name spelt wrong just touched a nerve that night and that's what dale carnegie understood
00:07:54because your name may be a small collection of sounds a small sequence of letters but to you it's
00:08:00you it's yours years ago i used to run a workshop experiment in my classes and i'd have 40 to 50
00:08:05students and before the workshop i would memorize by looking at their photos every single person's name
00:08:11and as they walk into the workshop wearing no badge i'd immediately say hey sarah morning david hey
00:08:16quinn and you should have seen the look on their faces what fascinated me was how disproportionately
00:08:22meaningful such a small thing felt i hadn't given them money i hadn't bought them a present i just
00:08:27remembered a word their word but most of us don't forget names because we can't remember them we
00:08:33simply are not paying attention when the name is given to us you know the moment when i say hi my
00:08:38name is vin and they say hi my name is michael and you're thinking about okay so once this person stops
00:08:42talking i immediately have to introduce myself how can i introduce myself in a way that's exciting wait am i
00:08:46smiling wait am i doing something weird with my hands and then 30 seconds later the name michael has
00:08:52disappeared from your memory and then now you spend the rest of the conversation going oh my buddy old
00:08:59pal chief oh champ trust me when you do that they know that you've forgotten their name how do i know
00:09:08because i've been caught out on it and this connects all three of dale's lessons beautifully first of all
00:09:13what do they want second of all what are they trying to tell you and then thirdly what is their name do
00:09:21you notice the direction of your attention where it actually should be going when i was much younger
00:09:26i thought being good with people meant that i needed to be more interesting so i tried to be more
00:09:32impressive i told my stories i tried to make people laugh by being interesting and being funny and to be
00:09:39clear those things did help but i thought that i had to do that 100 of the time i thought influence was
00:09:45the ability to hold somebody's attention and only that just that but so much of dale carnegie's work
00:09:52points us in the opposite direction influence isn't just about your ability to hold somebody's
00:09:58attention it's also your ability to give somebody else your attention when my uncle gave me this book
00:10:05at 12 years old i thought i didn't need help making friends and nearly three decades later i can admit
00:10:11truthfully that i probably should have read it sooner because it did help me build better relationships
00:10:16it did help me become more influential and yes it pretty damn well did help me make more friends in life
00:10:21dale carnegie is no longer here for me to thank personally but his ideas are still helping people
00:10:26almost a century later so dale cheers mate make sure you go and read how to win friends and influence
00:10:32people if you haven't already and remember if you do want to go deeper into my work with my book
00:10:37before we forget how to connect it's available for pre-order the link is down below in the description
00:10:42or you can scan the qr code on screen right now and remember the pre-order bonus
00:10:47you'll get to join me live at our event called break the mold that's book number two done and if
00:10:51you missed last week's book the one i reviewed last week which is cues by vanessa van edwards
00:10:57also an amazing book if you missed it make sure you click this video up here
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