How to Talk to Anyone (Even If You Don't Know What To Say!)

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VVinh Giang
ManagementAdult EducationMental Health

Transcript

00:00:00I'm going to show you how to talk to anyone without running out of things to say.
00:00:03I'm talking when you're stuck in awkward small talk with a co-worker,
00:00:07when you're meeting someone new and your mind goes blank,
00:00:10or when you've known somebody for years but still feel like you barely know them.
00:00:14As long as you follow the exact framework in this video,
00:00:17you'll never feel trapped again in conversations.
00:00:19Understanding this framework has allowed me to form a strong connection
00:00:23with 95% of the people that I've met as a keynote speaker and as a communication coach.
00:00:28But before I teach you the framework,
00:00:30I need to address the biggest misconception I hear when it comes to talking to people.
00:00:34Small talk.
00:00:35Everybody hates small talk.
00:00:37Yet, you've got to understand that small talk is the path you have to go through
00:00:41in order to get to big talk.
00:00:43The problem is staying in small talk.
00:00:45The problem is when people go,
00:00:47Hey, how's your morning been?
00:00:48Oh, good, good, good, good.
00:00:49How's the weather, I guess?
00:00:51I guess we're in the same place or experienced in the same weather.
00:00:54It's pretty hot outside.
00:00:56And the reason it gets weird and the reason it feels weird
00:00:58is because you're staying within the small talk category.
00:01:02If you want to talk to anyone but you're afraid of getting stuck in that small talk loop,
00:01:06then this framework will help you.
00:01:08It uses a communication technique called conversational threading.
00:01:12Conversational threading is a technique where through conversation,
00:01:15you actively notice specific words or topics and details that the other person mentions.
00:01:20And then you pick one of those to respond to or expand upon
00:01:24to keep the conversation flowing naturally.
00:01:26Or if you're the person talking, you give enough detail in your answers
00:01:30so the other person has multiple pathways or conversational threads
00:01:35to take the conversation next.
00:01:37Most conversations end fast because there are no threads to pull on.
00:01:42This framework creates six threads.
00:01:44It's called high, low, buffalo.
00:01:48High means you're sharing something that's going good for you.
00:01:52What's going well for you?
00:01:53What's going really good for you?
00:01:54And then low is something that's not as good.
00:01:57Something that's not going so well for you, not so good for you.
00:02:00There's you being a little vulnerable.
00:02:02And then buffalo, this is something that's interesting about you.
00:02:06What's interesting about you?
00:02:08Share one interesting thing about you.
00:02:09And that's how you play high, low, buffalo.
00:02:13So say for example, we were going to play this game.
00:02:15The way I would frame it after a little bit of small talk is I'd say,
00:02:18Oh, hey, by the way, my name's Vin.
00:02:19It's so nice to meet you.
00:02:20Oh, my name's Ben.
00:02:21Great to meet you too, Vin.
00:02:22Ben, I learned from this communication guy named Vin Zhang.
00:02:25He's amazing.
00:02:26If you want details to join his class, I'll give them to you via email later.
00:02:29He's got a crazy game.
00:02:30He calls high, low, buffalo.
00:02:31We've worked together for three years.
00:02:33We barely know each other.
00:02:33Do you mind if we play this game?
00:02:35High means you share something that's going well for you in your life.
00:02:37Low means something that's not so good for you in your life.
00:02:39And then buffalo is something interesting about you.
00:02:41Are you open to this?
00:02:42Yeah, sure.
00:02:43Let's give it a go.
00:02:43Then you go first.
00:02:45So then what I do now is I share the three things.
00:02:47So if I was to play this with you right now so you can experience how it happens,
00:02:50I can say, you know, something that's going really well for me right now is
00:02:53I've handed in my final edit for my book.
00:02:56It's been a really challenging thing that I've done in my life,
00:02:59but I'm so proud of what I've been able to do.
00:03:01And I'm just glad that chapter is over and done with.
00:03:03So I'm feeling really positive about that.
00:03:05Low for me?
00:03:06Low for me is that I've found that I've been working still too much
00:03:11in the last probably two to three months.
00:03:13I'm still getting into work so early and I'm leaving really late.
00:03:17And I find myself, my life's a little bit, it's not really well balanced.
00:03:19I feel like I'm not spending enough time with the kids and my wife.
00:03:22So yeah, I'm not feeling too great about that.
00:03:25And then the third thing I'll share with you is I just got two cats.
00:03:28I've never been a cat person my entire life.
00:03:30And what's interesting is that I've discovered this part of me that I've really fallen in love with cats.
00:03:35And I used to be a dog person, 100%.
00:03:36I used to think that people who own cats are evil, but I find myself really liking cats now.
00:03:41So that's been an interesting thing I found about myself.
00:03:44What I've just done there is I've created three threads.
00:03:49Okay.
00:03:49So what I've done there is when you think of this conversation now,
00:03:52what allows you to get out of the territory of small talk is I've created now three opportunities.
00:03:57The first thing I spoke about was my book.
00:04:01The second thing I've talked about was work, life, balance.
00:04:06And how it's a little bit off balance, right?
00:04:08So I'm off balance.
00:04:09And then the third thing I spoke about was the kittens.
00:04:13We adopted a couple of cats.
00:04:14So what I've effectively done is I've created three brand new threads for this conversation
00:04:21to be able to move into whichever direction we want to go.
00:04:26By the way, as a quick note, for those of you who are new here,
00:04:29if you want to learn more about conversational frameworks that work in professional and personal environments,
00:04:35I've created a free two-hour training that shares three of my top frameworks that I use every single day.
00:04:41And even in this video, make sure you click the link in the description or scan the QR code you see on screen if you want access to it.
00:04:48But here's what's brilliant, because what's brilliant is now they have a go.
00:04:51So now Ben has a turn.
00:04:53Oh, well, thank you for sharing that.
00:04:54That's awesome.
00:04:55Well, okay, my turn.
00:04:57What's going well for me is I just got a promotion, which is I'm so excited about.
00:05:00I've been waiting for this promotion for so long.
00:05:03And finally, I've got the promotion.
00:05:04So I'm really proud of that.
00:05:06The second thing, something I don't feel so good about is I've been putting off a really hard conversation
00:05:11with one of the team members who's not really pulling their weight.
00:05:14And I just keep putting it off and I'm having to do their work all the time.
00:05:18And I'm just, I'm not setting clear boundaries.
00:05:20So that's, that's been really hard.
00:05:22And then something interesting about me is that I do archery.
00:05:26I do archery and that's what I do in my free time.
00:05:28And I've loved archery for the last 10, 15 years of my life.
00:05:31Okay, you see what's happened to you.
00:05:32Now there are not just three threads.
00:05:34Now there are six threads in this conversation.
00:05:37Because if you think about what Ben just mentioned, first thing was that he got a promotion.
00:05:42Second thing that Ben mentioned was that he had tough conversation, how he's avoiding the tough conversation.
00:05:48And then the final thing is archery.
00:05:49What we've effectively done now is we've got six different threads, six different directions that we can go in with this conversation.
00:05:57And I call it conversational threads because now there are so many different threads that we can choose to pull on.
00:06:03And these are threads that both parties actually care about.
00:06:08Otherwise, when you don't have this, what are you doing?
00:06:10You're shooting in the dark.
00:06:11We are now creating known knowns, things that people actually like talking about and are open to talking about.
00:06:18And we've done a really special thing here too.
00:06:20Because we also got them to share something that's a little vulnerable.
00:06:23And that's such a critical factor into having deep conversations.
00:06:27Because once Ben and I both play this game, there are now six threads in front of us.
00:06:31And Ben can choose.
00:06:33Does he want to pull on one of my threads?
00:06:34Does he want to pull on the book?
00:06:35Does he want to pull on work-life balance?
00:06:37Does he want to pull on the kittens?
00:06:39And I've got three choices with Ben.
00:06:41Do I want to pull in on the promotion or the tough conversation that he should be having?
00:06:45Or maybe even archery because I do archery too.
00:06:47And then you found something in common.
00:06:49This also increases the chances of you finding something that you have in common with the other person.
00:06:54Do you see how powerful this framework is?
00:06:56Is that it opens up so many threads.
00:06:59And now it allows you to have a deeper conversation.
00:07:01So Ben might actually ask me.
00:07:03Oh hey Vin.
00:07:04Ben, tell me more about the work-life balance thing.
00:07:06Because I'm finding myself working too much too.
00:07:07The result of me avoiding the tough conversation is that I'm also working more now too.
00:07:11So I totally feel you.
00:07:12So what are you going to do about that Vin?
00:07:13Now I get to talk more deeply on why work-life balance is important to me.
00:07:18What's my approach?
00:07:18How am I going to start to change things?
00:07:20And it might lead to a really deep conversation to where Ben might have some insights that helps me get through that.
00:07:25Then I can ask Ben.
00:07:27Ben, tell me more about the promotion.
00:07:28I heard people talking about it.
00:07:30But tell me more about the promotion.
00:07:31How do you feel?
00:07:32How do you feel in the new role?
00:07:33This is what deepens connection and builds rapport.
00:07:37But that's how I approach conversations where I know I'm going to be sitting with a stranger for the next 30 plus minutes.
00:07:41I will create this.
00:07:42And when you're playing this with three or four people, oh my goodness, the conversations go crazy.
00:07:46Because you've got now 15 threads.
00:07:48I've discovered that most people end up hating their jobs.
00:07:52Not so much because of the job itself.
00:07:55They don't hate the job.
00:07:56They hate that they feel so disconnected in their job.
00:07:59They hate that they feel so isolated.
00:08:01They hate that they feel so alone.
00:08:02Whereas when you work with great people and you've got great connection, you love what you do.
00:08:06Sometimes even if what you do sucks a little bit, you still do it because you love the people.
00:08:10And the single biggest thing that people regret when they die is I wish I spent more time connecting with the people that I love.
00:08:16It's the single biggest regret.
00:08:18I wish I connected more.
00:08:19I worked harder or wish I had another car or wish I had this house.
00:08:23No, no, no, I wish I had deeper connections with the people that I love.
00:08:26So try this game with the people you love.
00:08:27Try this at dinner with the kids.
00:08:28Try it with your partner.
00:08:29Give it a go.

Key Takeaway

You can consistently move from awkward small talk to meaningful connection by using 'conversational threading' and the 'High, Low, Buffalo' framework to create actionable topics for discussion.

Highlights

  • Conversational threading involves actively identifying and picking specific details from a conversation to keep it flowing naturally.

  • The 'High, Low, Buffalo' framework generates six distinct conversational threads by having each participant share one positive event, one struggle, and one interesting personal fact.

  • Conversational threads function as known paths that both parties are open to exploring, preventing the stagnation of small talk.

  • Small talk acts as a necessary bridge to move toward deeper conversations.

  • Playing 'High, Low, Buffalo' with four people creates 15 potential topics for further discussion.

  • Deep connections within professional environments are linked to higher job satisfaction, regardless of the nature of the work.

Timeline

The Problem with Small Talk

  • Small talk is a necessary transition point to reach deep conversation.
  • Stagnation in shallow topics causes awkwardness and premature conversation endings.
  • A lack of specific conversational threads prevents meaningful connection.

While often disliked, small talk serves as the required path to reach substantive interaction. The primary issue arises when conversations remain trapped in superficial exchanges about weather or basic morning routines. This lack of depth makes interactions feel forced and limits the longevity of the dialogue.

Conversational Threading Technique

  • Conversational threading requires actively identifying specific words or details mentioned by the other person.
  • Choosing one identified detail to expand upon allows the conversation to flow naturally.
  • Providing sufficient detail in responses gives the other person multiple threads to pull on.

This technique involves paying attention to the specific content of what someone says. Rather than ignoring details, participants actively select one topic to follow up on. Conversely, by sharing enough detail, one participant provides the other with multiple pathways to continue the dialogue.

The High, Low, Buffalo Framework

  • High represents a positive event, Low represents a struggle or vulnerability, and Buffalo is an interesting personal fact.
  • Sharing these three categories intentionally creates multiple threads for future conversation.
  • The framework converts unknown territory into known topics that both parties are open to discussing.

This framework structures conversation by forcing the introduction of positive, vulnerable, and unique information. When applied, it immediately creates three concrete threads per person for others to choose from. This method allows participants to bypass the need to 'shoot in the dark' when looking for common ground.

Scaling Conversations and Deepening Rapport

  • When both parties share, the number of potential conversational threads doubles.
  • Discussing vulnerabilities increases rapport and deepens connection.
  • The framework allows participants to pivot to deeper topics based on shared threads, such as work-life balance or personal achievements.

Once two people complete the High, Low, Buffalo cycle, they have six distinct topics available. This structure significantly increases the likelihood of discovering common interests. By selecting a thread to pull on, such as a challenge or a success, participants can move from surface level to substantive discussion about personal experiences and solutions.

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