Transcript
00:00:00I'm going to show you how to connect with anyone, even if it feels like you have nothing in common.
00:00:04I'm talking about when you're having a conversation with a co-worker and you're both stuck talking
00:00:08about the weather, when you're meeting somebody new and thinking, we're just too different,
00:00:12or when you're at an event full of people and you feel like you don't belong in any of the
00:00:17conversations. As long as you follow this exact framework I'm about to share with you in this
00:00:21video, you'll never sit across from someone and think, we've got nothing in common ever again.
00:00:26This one framework is a big part of how I've been able to connect with 95% of people that I've met
00:00:32as a communication coach and a global keynote speaker. But before I teach it to you, I need to
00:00:37address the biggest mistake I see people make when they're trying to find common ground. I'll draw it
00:00:42out for you. Imagine this is you, slightly taller and slightly better looking, and this is the person
00:00:48that you are talking to, them, the other person. You're both in the small talk phase and you secretly
00:00:53both are doing the exact same thing. You're both hunting for something that you have in common.
00:00:58The other person mentions fishing. And the moment they mention fishing, you immediately think to
00:01:05yourself, I've got zero interest in that. I hate fishing. So instead of digging into it, you change
00:01:09the conversation to something that you care about. And here you go, nice, I'm really into rock climbing.
00:01:17And now the other person's thinking to themselves, rock climbing? What am I, a monkey? No, it's not
00:01:22for me. And now you both have arrived at the exact same conclusion. We both have nothing in common.
00:01:28That's how 90% of conversations go. There's surface level, there's no depth. And it happens because
00:01:33you're trying to find common ground in a straight line, in a linear way. I like this, you don't like
00:01:39this. Yes, we've got nothing in common. And when someone says they like fishing, there's more to it
00:01:43than just the fishing component. Maybe they like being out in the ocean. Maybe they find it peaceful.
00:01:48Maybe they enjoy nature. Maybe it's because they love being self-sufficient and catching their own food.
00:01:53There are so many other things that fishing can represent for the other person. And that right there
00:01:58lies the secret in being able to find something in common with every single person you connect with.
00:02:03The framework, it's called match. That's exactly what you're doing. You're trying to find the match
00:02:11between their world and your world. Let's set a scene, first of all, to work with. Because this
00:02:16happens to everybody. So you're at work and there's this colleague of yours that you've worked with
00:02:21together for the last three years, but you know literally nothing about them. Because you're afraid
00:02:25that you have nothing in common with them. I want you to imagine for a second that you invited them
00:02:29out for lunch and you said, hey, we've been working together for the last three years. Let's have lunch
00:02:33together. I'm buying. And now you're both at lunch and you've got your sandwich and they've got their
00:02:37pastor. And normally at this point you'd be freaking out, but freak out no more because you're about to
00:02:42learn the match framework because it's going to help you find the things you have in common with
00:02:47people so you can ignite connection. So what's M? Let's get into it. M stands for make and offer.
00:02:57Before you ask a single question, you share something about you first like this. Hey, I'm so glad we're
00:03:04finally having lunch together. You know, one of the reasons why I left my previous job is because I
00:03:09really believe in what we do here. You know, helping people find their voice and share their gifts and
00:03:13shine their light into the world. It really gives me a lot of fulfillment. You see, now that's an offer.
00:03:18It's small, but it does two things. It lowers their guard because you went first and it shows them the
00:03:24depth that you're inviting. You go shallow, they're going to go shallow. You go deeper and trust me,
00:03:29they'll go deeper. Think of it like tennis. You can't have a rally until someone actually serves
00:03:34the damn ball. Making an offer is you serving first. It gives them something to swing at. So
00:03:40that's M. You go first. Now, what comes next, Vin? It's okay. Don't rush me. I'm getting to it.
00:03:46The next one is A, which stands for ask across high yielding areas. Here's where most people run dry.
00:03:55They ask, so what do you do? And how was your weekend? And then they run out of ammo. So I keep
00:04:00these five areas in life in my back pocket. Five places that almost always reveals who somebody
00:04:05actually is. And they all start with P. Let's talk about P number one. With P number one, talk about
00:04:15the past, their childhood memories, the school they went to, what they wanted to be when they were
00:04:20little. P number two. This is the patterns that exist in their life. The habits, the good ones,
00:04:27and the not so good ones, and maybe even their daily routine. P number three, their preferences.
00:04:34What do they love? What can't they stand? What's the unpopular opinions that they have?
00:04:40P number four. This is their pet peeves. The tiny little things that piss them off and irritate them
00:04:45way more than they actually should. P number. And P number five. Possibilities. What do they want to try,
00:04:55learn, or experience one day? And adding a sixth, because I can, ask them about their preems. Yes,
00:05:02their preems. Some people do call them dreams, but that's for pluzers. So I mean it. What do they
00:05:09preem about? Ask them. And if you want to share, maybe you could even share one of your preems.
00:05:14Don't march through all six of these questions in six of these areas like a checklist.
00:05:18You reach for whichever one fits into the conversation you're having. Now these six areas,
00:05:22they do one job. They move the conversation from small talk into a conversation that has
00:05:27way more substance. Let's resume the example. Watch what happens. It really gives me a lot of
00:05:32fulfillment. Yeah, that's great, man. I also believe in what Vin's doing here. And ever since I was young,
00:05:37I also really struggled with my communication. And I think that's one of the reasons why I love being here
00:05:42and helping others improve this skill.
00:05:44Man, that's awesome. Tell me, what was it like growing up not being able to communicate properly
00:05:50with people?
00:05:50Now, the next part of the framework, T. T stands for track the echo. As they answer,
00:05:59you're doing one thing. You're listening for the echo, which is what Vin? An echo is all the other
00:06:05things that the experience that they shared could symbolize. Remember the fishing example right at the
00:06:11beginning of the video? Fishing isn't just fishing. It could mean connecting with nature, solitude,
00:06:15self-sufficiency, so many things. That's what you're listening out for here. Can you see how this makes
00:06:21it easier for you to find something that you both might have in common? So when you're listening to
00:06:25someone share about an experience, expand the way you think about what they're saying. Think about the
00:06:31emotion behind the action that they're taking. Think about the value that they're trying to live out.
00:06:36Think about the motivation behind the action. It's not just the experience itself because while you don't
00:06:42fish, you might love nature. Boom. You've got something in common. Now, instead of just using
00:06:47the fishing example, let's go back to the situation we've been playing out throughout this entire video
00:06:52between person A and person B. And if you remember, person B said that they weren't able to really
00:06:57communicate well when they were young. And maybe as person A, they didn't have trouble communicating.
00:07:02But what else would the person who couldn't communicate when they were younger be feeling
00:07:07in that experience? They might've felt lonely, isolated, frustrated, misunderstood, heck,
00:07:13maybe even invisible. So now instead of thinking to yourself, did I struggle to communicate when I was
00:07:18young? As being the only thing that connects you both, now you're thinking, have I felt lonely before?
00:07:25Have I ever felt isolated? Have I ever felt frustrated or misunderstood or maybe even invisible?
00:07:30Chances are you have. Because in everything that people say, there's always layers to what they're saying.
00:07:36And that's the unlock. Common ground isn't only, "Oh, that's happened to me too!"
00:07:42Half the time, it's, "Hey, I felt something exactly the same for a totally different reason."
00:07:47The moment you realize that, the number of people you can connect to now goes through the roof.
00:07:53And let's resume the example. Tell me, what was it like growing up not being able to communicate properly with people?
00:07:58Yeah, I felt really confused and annoyed. And it felt like sometimes I didn't exist because no one noticed me and they couldn't understand me.
00:08:08I actually really hated primary school.
00:08:10Do you see that? The moment you start to listen out for the echoes, you'll be able to find connections with people so much easier.
00:08:18But if you're thinking to yourself, "This sounds great, Vin, but I still freeze in the moment and I don't know what to say when I'm with people."
00:08:24I get it. That's why communication frameworks like this exist and it's why they help you structure your thinking before you speak.
00:08:31So that when you do speak, your words aren't jumbled up and you don't end up rambling.
00:08:36And if you want to be able to learn the best frameworks to use when the spotlight is on you, especially at work, then make sure you check out my free two hour training.
00:08:44It will give you more structure for what to say and how to say it and how to feel more confident while doing it.
00:08:50The link is below in the description or you can scan the QR code.
00:08:53Okay, now that you've heard the echo, here's what you do next.
00:08:58C, which is clarify the echo.
00:09:02Here's where you dig another layer deeper.
00:09:05Once you recognize and hear an echo, you zoom into it.
00:09:09Most people stop at the surface level connection.
00:09:11Oh, I've been invisible in my life too.
00:09:13And then that's it.
00:09:14The magic is in the detail.
00:09:16So you ask some clarifying questions like this.
00:09:19I actually really hated primary school.
00:09:22How did being invisible impact you through your school years?
00:09:26I mean, what did you learn from it?
00:09:28How did you break out of it?
00:09:29You know, I actually moved schools five times.
00:09:32And at the time it felt like the worst thing that could have happened to me.
00:09:36But the silver lining was that every time I went to a new school, I had the opportunity to reinvent myself.
00:09:42And the version of me that you see now, I've had to reinvent nearly five times.
00:09:47Wow.
00:09:48You see what's happening here?
00:09:49You are well and truly out of small talk-ville.
00:09:52You're starting to connect on a deeper level now.
00:09:55And to the final part of the framework, the H, which stands for highlight the match out loud.
00:10:01And share your experience like this.
00:10:03Wow.
00:10:04That's wild.
00:10:05You know, I never moved schools five times like you did, but I've actually changed my job three times in the last five years.
00:10:10And you're right.
00:10:11Sometimes people think a certain way about you.
00:10:13They have this mold of who you should be and who they think you are.
00:10:16And then it's really hard to break out of it.
00:10:18But changing jobs and changing environments for me, like you've changed schools.
00:10:22It's helped me have a fresh start each time where people have no preconceived ideas of who I was,
00:10:27which allowed me to then step into a version of me that's sitting across from you right now.
00:10:30Man, it's crazy.
00:10:31Been through different things, but it's similar at the same time.
00:10:34Man, I never thought about it that way.
00:10:36We actually have quite a bit in common.
00:10:38You want some?
00:10:39Yeah, dude.
00:10:40I love some.
00:10:41Wow.
00:10:42Oh, so good.
00:10:43I love pasta.
00:10:45How powerful was that?
00:10:47Match is the difference between a nice chat and an actual deep connection.
00:10:51And if you want to learn more about communication frameworks like this,
00:10:54make sure you check out my free two hour training that I mentioned before,
00:10:57where I teach you the frameworks to speak with more clarity, structure and confidence in high pressure situations.
00:11:03pressure situations.
00:11:05The link is in the description.
00:11:06I'll see you in the next one.
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