00:00:00Heute spreche ich über eines meiner absoluten Lieblingsthemen: die romantische Liebe.
00:00:05Ich möchte darlegen, dass romantische Liebe einer der besten Wege für uns Menschen ist, um
00:00:10den Sinn des Lebens zu finden. Romantische Liebe war schon immer ein zentraler Aspekt meines
00:00:16eigenen Lebens. Wissen Sie, ich versuche das, was ich predige, auch selbst zu leben. Und in dieser
00:00:21Hinsicht ist es für mich wirklich gut gelaufen. Ich schätze mich sehr glücklich. Wir haben gerade
00:00:26unseren 34. Hochzeitstag gefeiert. Wir haben drei erwachsene Kinder, vier Enkelsöhne, und unsere
00:00:32Kommunikation hat sich über die Jahrzehnte hinweg sogar leicht verbessert. Warum erzähle ich Ihnen das?
00:00:36Nicht, weil es so außergewöhnlich ist – zumindest nicht für Leute in meinem Alter. Die haben alle
00:00:42solche schrägen Geschichten. Aber die Sache ist die: Heutzutage wird diese Art von Geschichte
00:00:48immer seltener. Es gibt immer weniger dieser Berichte über romantischen Wagemut. Woran liegt das?
00:00:55Genau darüber möchte ich heute sprechen.
00:00:57Hallo Freunde, willkommen bei Office Hours. Ich bin Arthur Brooks. In dieser Show geht es um Liebe, Sinn
00:01:10und Glück – wie man mithilfe wissenschaftlicher Erkenntnisse mehr davon findet
00:01:14und wie man diese Ideen auch an andere weitergeben kann. Als Verhaltenswissenschaftler habe ich es
00:01:19mir zur Aufgabe gemacht, Menschen durch Wissenschaft und Ideen aufzubauen und zusammenzubringen.
00:01:24Ich möchte, dass auch Sie diese Ideen verinnerlichen, denn ich bin nicht nur ein Lehrer für Glücksthemen.
00:01:30Ich versuche, eine Bewegung von Glückslehrern anzuführen. Und ich brauche Sie in dieser Bewegung.
00:01:34Nur so machen wir die Welt zu einem besseren Ort. Heute widmen wir uns der romantischen Liebe.
00:01:40Ich werde tief in die Wissenschaft der romantischen Liebe eintauchen und erklären, warum sie so
00:01:45wichtig für die Sinnfindung im Leben ist. Wie immer gilt: Wenn Sie Kritik, Ideen oder Fragen haben,
00:01:51schreiben Sie mir bitte an officehours@arthurbrooks.com oder nutzen Sie die Kommentarfunktion,
00:01:56wo immer Sie diesen Podcast sehen oder hören. Bitte liken und abonnieren Sie uns,
00:02:02hinterlassen Sie eine Bewertung und bleiben Sie mit uns in Kontakt. Denn uns liegt wirklich viel daran,
00:02:07diese Gemeinschaft weiter aufzubauen. Und dafür müssen wir von Ihnen hören.
00:02:11Kommen wir zurück zum Hauptthema: die Liebe, speziell die romantische Liebe. Ich werde die
00:02:18These aufstellen, dass sie einer der besten Wege ist, den Sinn des Lebens zu finden. Sicherlich nicht
00:02:23der einzige Weg – in anderen Folgen spreche ich über weitere Möglichkeiten. Aber wie immer
00:02:27beziehe ich mich hier auf einen Teil meines neuen Buches, das am 31. März 2026 erscheint:
00:02:34“The Meaning of Your Life – Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness”. Ich spreche heute
00:02:41über den Abschnitt zur romantischen Liebe. Sie ist der Einstiegspunkt, sozusagen die erste Sprosse
00:02:44auf der Leiter zum Lebenssinn. Natürlich fällt das vielen schwer, da romantische Liebe so geheimnisvoll
00:02:51erscheint und fast unlösbar wirkt. Tatsächlich ist sie ein Problem, das man nicht lösen kann.
00:02:57Man muss sie leben und sie intuitiv verstehen lernen. Ich werde Ihnen genau erklären,
00:03:03wie das geht. Ich nutze Wissenschaft und rationale Ideen, um über etwas zu sprechen,
00:03:08das über Wissenschaft und Ideen hinausgeht. Das ist der Kernpunkt. Wenn man sich darauf einlässt,
00:03:12auch auf die unangenehmen Seiten wie Trennungen, Herzschmerz und Trauer, wird man
00:03:17mehr Sinn im Leben finden. Das ist mein Versprechen für heute. Unser Thema: Romantische Liebe.
00:03:21Die romantische Liebe war schon immer ein prägendes Element in meinem eigenen Leben.
00:03:29Wissen Sie, ich versuche, meine eigenen Ratschläge zu Liebe und Glück auch wirklich zu befolgen.
00:03:37Und das hat wunderbar funktioniert. Ich schätze mich sehr glücklich. Als ich 24 Jahre alt war...
00:03:42Nun, wer meine Geschichte kennt, weiß, dass ich damals professioneller klassischer Musiker war.
00:03:48Das zog sich durch meine ganzen 20er Jahre – sozusagen mein “Gap-Jahrzehnt”. Im Sommer 1988
00:03:52war ich gerade auf Reisen. Ich war mit meinem Quintett auf einer Kammermusik-Tournee
00:03:57im französischen Burgund unterwegs. Wir spielten klassische Musik in verschiedenen Weingütern,” CID
00:04:03Schulen und ähnlichen Orten – eine typische Kammermusik-Tour eben. Nach einem dieser Konzerte
00:04:08traf ich ein Mädchen. Ich war 24 oder 25. Ich ging auf sie zu, weil sie mich während des Konzerts
00:04:13angelächelt hatte. Das passierte mir nicht allzu oft, also steuerte ich direkt auf sie zu,
00:04:20um mich vorzustellen. Es stellte sich heraus, dass sie kein Wort Englisch sprach. Das war
00:04:24problematisch, da ich außer Englisch keine weitere Sprache beherrschte. Sie sprach Französisch,
00:04:29Spanisch, Italienisch und Katalanisch. Über einen zweisprachigen Freund erfuhr ich,
00:04:33dass sie gar keine Französin war. Sie studierte dort Musik, kam aber ursprünglich aus Barcelona.
00:04:37Ich tat das einzig Offensichtliche. Man könnte denken, es wäre gewesen zu sagen: “Schade,
00:04:41vielleicht in einem anderen Leben.”. Aber nein: Ich bat sie über einen Dolmetscher um ein Date.
00:04:47Wir gingen essen und trafen uns ein paar Mal. Dann musste ich nach Hause, aber ich konnte sie
00:04:54einfach nicht vergessen. Also rief ich meinen Vater an und sagte: “Papa, ich glaube, ich habe
00:05:00die Frau getroffen, die ich heiraten werde.”. Er sagte: “Großartig, kann ich sie kennenlernen?”. Ich
00:05:03antwortete: “Das ist etwas kompliziert. Sie spricht kein Englisch, lebt nicht in den USA
00:05:07und sie hat keine Ahnung, was ich für sie empfinde.”. Das waren zwar Hindernisse, aber für einen
00:05:1324-jährigen Amerikaner mit Herzblut gibt es keine unüberwindbaren Hürden. Ich hielt so gut es ging
00:05:20Kontakt und schmiedete einen Plan. Eigentlich war es eher eine Strategie: Ich kündigte meinen Job
00:05:25und zog nach Spanien. In dem Jahr dazwischen war einiges passiert. Sie hatte mich in New York
00:05:28besucht und angefangen, Englisch zu lernen – sie zeigte also auch Initiative. Aber im nächsten
00:05:35Sommer hatte ich meinen Job aufgegeben und eine Stelle im Barcelona City Orchestra angenommen,
00:05:40um die Sache, wenn möglich, unter Dach und Fach zu bringen. Wir lernten, miteinander zu
00:05:46kommunizieren. Es dauerte etwa zwei Jahre, bis wir tatsächlich heirateten, genau wie ich es gehofft hatte.
00:05:50Vielleicht fragen Sie sich, wie die Geschichte weiterging, denn es ist schon eine fast quixotische
00:05:55Erzählung, ein bisschen wie Don Quijote, der gegen Windmühlen kämpft. Die Musikkarriere war nicht
00:06:01von Dauer – mit 31 widmete ich mich anderen Dingen –, aber die Ehe war ein voller Erfolg. Wir haben
00:06:06gerade unseren 34. Hochzeitstag gefeiert, haben drei erwachsene Kinder und vier Enkelsöhne.
00:06:13Und unsere Kommunikation hat sich über die Jahrzehnte hinweg sogar marginal verbessert. Warum
00:06:18erzähle ich das alles? Nicht, weil es so außergewöhnlich ist – zumindest nicht für Menschen
00:06:25meines Alters. Wenn man mit Leuten in ihren 50ern oder 60ern spricht, haben sie alle solche
00:06:30kuriosen Geschichten. Aber der Punkt ist: Heutzutage ist das immer seltener der Fall.
00:06:36Es gibt immer weniger dieser Berichte über unternehmerischen, romantischen Wagemut. Warum?
00:06:41Darüber möchte ich sprechen. Ich will zeigen, wie man in seinem Liebesleben unternehmerischer
00:06:46vorgehen kann, selbst wenn man heute 24 ist. Man kann sein Leben als ein Unternehmen betrachten,
00:06:53dessen Währung Liebe und Glück sind. Die romantische Liebe ist dabei der Treibstoff mit der
00:06:59höchsten Oktanzahl für diese unternehmerische Reise. Es geht darum, sein Leben zu gestalten,
00:07:06indem man strategische Risiken eingeht – auch wenn die Welt einem vielleicht davon abrät.
00:07:11Die Technologie hat uns entmutigt, aber Sie können sich Ihr Leben zurückholen, angefangen
00:07:18bei der Romanze, nach der Sie sich wahrscheinlich sehnen. Wo fangen wir also an?
00:07:23Vielleicht mit ein paar Daten. Ich habe behauptet, dass solche Geschichten früher häufiger waren.
00:07:29während ich wütend die Wolken beschimpfe. Nein, die Datenlage ist eindeutig. Gehen wir zurück
00:07:34discouraged you, but in point of fact, how you can get your life back, starting with the romance that
00:07:40ins Jahr 1949: Damals bestanden 79 % der amerikanischen Haushalte aus einem Ehepaar.
00:07:47Heute sind es 47 %. Von 79 % auf 47 %. Da hat sich massiv etwas verändert. Wir sehen zwar keinen
00:07:52kompletten Zusammenbruch, aber einen signifikanten Rückgang der Heiratsraten. Nun könnte man
00:07:56denken: “Klar, Professor, aber die Leute leben eben zusammen, ohne zu heiraten.”. Das stimmt zwar,
00:08:01aber auch das Zusammenleben ohne Trauschein ist rückläufig, besonders in den letzten zwei Jahrzehnten.
00:08:06Seit 1990 – etwa die Zeit, als ich meine Frau kennenlernte (wir trafen uns 1988 und heirateten 1991) –
00:08:13ist der Anteil der Menschen, die völlig ohne Partner leben, bei Männern um ein Drittel und bei
00:08:20Frauen um ein Viertel gestiegen. Einfach gesagt: Ehen nehmen ab, Partnerschaften nehmen ab,
00:08:26die Leute haben sogar weniger Sex – es geht nicht einmal mehr um lockere Hookups.
00:08:301988 hatten etwa 50 % der 20-Jährigen einen regelmäßigen Sexualpartner. Heute sind es nur noch 33 %.
00:08:35Auch das sinkt also. Warum erzähle ich Ihnen all diese Zahlen? Weil es mir um Liebe und Glück geht.
00:08:42Und weniger Ehe, weniger Zusammensein und weniger Romantik sind fatal für das Glücksempfinden.
00:08:50Es ist ein Symptom für das, was wir in dieser Show die “psychogene Epidemie des Unglücks” nennen.
00:08:58Eine psychogene Epidemie ist hochgradig ansteckend und verursacht viel Elend, hat aber nicht
00:09:04zwingend einen biologischen Ursprung. Natürlich hat alles irgendwie mit Biologie zu tun,
00:09:09da Psychologie letztlich Biologie ist. Aber das hier ist seltsam: Es ist nicht so, als hätte ein Virus
00:09:16oder Bakterium die Bevölkerung befallen und dafür gesorgt, dass wir uns nicht mehr verlieben
00:09:22oder nicht mehr ausgehen wollen. Es ist etwas Psychogenes, das unser Glück beeinflusst und
00:09:28mit der Unwilligkeit oder Unfähigkeit zusammenhängt, jene romantische Liebe zu finden,
00:09:37die sich eigentlich so viele wünschen, die aber scheinbar seltener geworden ist. Falls Sie in
00:09:45einer glücklichen Beziehung leben: Wunderbar, das freut mich sehr für Sie. Aber Sie kennen sicher
00:09:51jemanden, bei dem das nicht so ist – oder Sie wünschen sich selbst eine Partnerschaft.
00:09:56Lassen Sie uns das Ganze entmystifizieren und die psychogene Epidemie mithilfe der Wissenschaft
00:10:01verstehen, um dann zu Lösungen zu kommen. Ich möchte Ihnen heute eine Art Protokoll an die
00:10:06Hand geben, um die Erfahrung wahrer romantischer Liebe zu verstehen. Wie findet man sie?
00:10:13Wie bewahrt man sie? Wie bleibt man verliebt? Beginnen wir damit, was im Gehirn passiert, wenn
00:10:20man sich verliebt. Das hilft uns zu verstehen, warum es manchmal schiefläuft – warum man sich
00:10:25vielleicht verliebt hat, die andere Person aber nicht, oder umgekehrt. So entzaubern wir
00:10:33eine der geheimnisvollsten Erfahrungen, die wir Menschen machen können. Wenn wir uns
00:10:38verlieben, läuft im menschlichen Gehirn ein Prozess in vier Schritten ab.
00:10:44Der erste Schritt ist die schlichte Anziehung. Diese wird weitgehend durch Sexualhormone gesteuert,
00:10:49also Testosteron und Östrogen. Übrigens haben sowohl Männer als auch Frauen beide Hormone.
00:10:54Männer haben nur mehr Testosteron und Frauen mehr Östrogen. Bei gegenseitiger Anziehung
00:11:00kommt es zu einem Hormonschub. Das ist völlig normal, nicht toxisch und biologisch so
00:11:06vorgesehen. So identifiziert der Homo Sapiens potenzielle Partner. Das passiert ganz am Anfang,
00:11:12manchmal schon beim bloßen Anblick einer Person quer durch den Raum. Aber es wird natürlich
00:11:17intensiver, wenn wir uns mit jemandem unterhalten, den wir attraktiv finden. Deshalb wollen
00:11:22Menschen auf Dates gehen: Sie wollen prüfen, ob die Anziehung echt ist, also ob sie diese
00:11:26neurochemische Erfahrung mit Testosteron und Östrogen machen. Darauf folgt sehr schnell ein
00:11:33zweiter Schritt, bei dem Neurotransmitter wie Norepinephrin und Dopamin ins Spiel kommen.
00:11:37Dopamin kennen Sie – ich habe schon oft darüber gesprochen, im Zusammenhang mit Sucht, Verlangen
00:11:43und Belohnung. Dopamin ist an so vielen Verhaltensweisen beteiligt, auch am Verlieben.” CID
00:11:48Norepinephrin wiederum ist ein Stresshormon, das in den Nebennieren produziert wird. Sie denken
00:11:53vielleicht: “Ein Stresshormon?”. Aber wer schon mal verliebt war, weiß: Es ist unglaublich stressig,” CID
00:11:59aber gleichzeitig absolut glückselig. Was bewirkt das? Es erzeugt Erwartungshaltung und Euphorie.
00:12:02Wenn Sie zum Beispiel nach einem tollen Date warten, ob die Person schreibt: Das Warten ist
00:12:07zugleich köstlich und schrecklich. Das ist Dopamin. Es sagt Ihrem Gehirn: “Vorfreude und Belohnung,
00:12:12es wird toll!”. Und wenn es dann wirklich “Pling” macht und die Nachricht kommt, ist dieser kleine
00:12:16Stoß an Euphorie das Norepinephrin. Diese ganze neurochemische Kaskade beim Verlieben...” CID
00:12:22Übrigens ist in der Neurowissenschaft fast nichts endgültig geklärt. Es ist nicht so, dass jeder Forscher
00:12:27zustimmen würde. Falls Sie Neurowissenschaftler sind und das hier zu oberflächlich finden, lassen
00:12:31Sie es mich wissen. Aber das ist der aktuelle Stand der Fachliteratur, übersetzt in eine Sprache,” CID
00:12:34die jeder verstehen kann. Das war Schritt zwei: Norepinephrin und Dopamin sorgen für
00:12:38Belohnungserwartung und Euphorie. Das passiert oft innerhalb von Tagen nach dem Kennenlernen
00:12:42und sorgt dafür, dass man sich fast süchtig nach der anderen Person fühlt. Tatsächlich zeigen
00:12:49Gehirnscans von Verliebten ähnliche Aktivitäten in den Schmerz- und Lustzentren wie bei Drogensüchtigen.” CID
00:12:55Ich spreche hier von Arealen wie dem Nucleus accumbens oder der Insula. Wenn man sich die
00:13:00Gehirnaktivität eines frisch Verliebten ansieht, könnte man fast meinen, er sei auf Methamphetamin.
00:13:05Aber keine Sorge, es ist nur Liebe. Das ist der Grund für dieses Gefühl der Abhängigkeit in der
00:13:11Anfangsphase. Kommen wir zu Schritt drei, und jetzt wird es etwas heikel: Der Serotoninspiegel
00:13:17sinkt drastisch. Serotonin ist ein Neurotransmitter, der oft mit klinischen Depressionen in
00:13:22Verbindung gebracht wird. Ein schweres Defizit an Serotonin im synaptischen Spalt ist typisch
00:13:25für Depressionen. Deshalb nehmen viele Betroffene SSRIs (Selektive Serotonin-Wiederaufnahmehemmer)
00:13:32wie Prozac, um den Spiegel zu heben und die Symptome zu lindern. Und wissen Sie, was beim
00:13:36Verlieben in dieser dritten Phase passiert? Das Serotonin sackt völlig ab. Das ist eine unglaublich
00:13:40nützliche Erkenntnis: Depressive grübeln in ihrer Traurigkeit; Verliebte grübeln über die andere Person.
00:13:48Das Wort “Grübeln” kommt vom lateinischen “ruminare
00:13:52Ein Depressiver wird negative Gedanken nicht los; ein Verliebter bekommt die andere Person
00:13:58nicht aus dem Kopf. Man analysiert jedes Detail: “Habe ich das Richtige gesagt? War das dumm?
00:14:03Was bedeutete diese kleine Geste? Mag sie mich? Mag sie mich nicht?”. Das ist dieselbe Gehirnaktivität.” CID
00:14:07Ihr Gehirn versucht, etwas einzuprägen. Bei einer Depression will das Gehirn eine Lektion lernen,” CID
00:14:12um einen Fehler nicht zu wiederholen – oft in völlig übertriebenem Maße. Beim Verlieben wollen Sie,”CID
00:14:17dass sich die andere Person in Ihr Gedächtnis einprägt, weil Sie gerade dabei sind, eine Paarbindung
00:14:22einzugehen. Das soll ja potenziell fürs Leben halten. Dieses zwanghafte Grübeln führt zu
00:14:26merkwürdigem Verhalten: Warum habe ich in einer Stunde zehn Sprachnachrichten hinterlassen?
00:14:32Oder 100 SMS geschickt? “Ich bin so dumm, dumm, dumm!”. Das ist klassisches Verhalten bei” CID
00:14:38niedrigem Serotonin. Rein technisch gesehen könnte man beim Blick ins Gehirn sagen: “Entweder
00:14:42klinisch depressiv oder in Phase drei des Verliebens.”. Das ist der Grund, warum Verliebtsein
00:14:50zwar toll, aber auch furchtbar ist. Man möchte nicht ewig in dieser Phase bleiben. Manche sagen:
00:14:55“Ich wünschte, es wäre immer so wie am ersten Tag.”. Ganz ehrlich? Dann müssten Sie wahrscheinlich
00:14:59medikamentös behandelt werden, um überhaupt noch funktionieren zu können. Und schließlich
00:15:04kommen wir zum vierten Schritt, dem Ziel nach den ersten Wochen und Monaten: Oxytocin
00:15:09und in geringerem Maße Vasopressin. Das sind Neuropeptide, die als Bindungshormone wirken.” CID
00:15:14Frauen haben etwa dreimal so viel Oxytocin wie Männer. Ein Grund dafür ist die Geburt und
00:15:18die notwendige Bindung zum Neugeborenen. Aber auch Männer bauen diese Bindung auf, besonders
00:15:23durch Blickkontakt und Berührung. Wenn Sie Vater werden und der Arzt Sie fragt, ob Sie die Nabelschnur
00:15:29durchtrennen wollen: Sagen Sie ja! Wenn man Ihnen das Baby reicht: Sagen Sie ja! Diese Bindung ist
00:15:33wunderschön. Im Kopf der Eltern findet eine regelrechte Oxytocin-Explosion statt. Dasselbe passiert
00:15:37beim Verlieben in dieser Phase der tiefen Bindung. Sie machen jemanden, mit dem Sie nicht verwandt
00:15:41sind, zu Ihrem engsten Angehörigen. Ich spreche oft von den vier Säulen des Glücks: Glaube, Familie,”CID
00:15:49Freundschaft und Arbeit. Der Partner ist das Einzige, was in beide Kategorien fällt: Freundschaft
00:15:56und Familie. Diese Person wird zu einem zweiten Ich. Sie sind neurochemisch in einer Paarbindung
00:16:02verbunden, die idealerweise lebenslang hält. Dass es sich so anfühlt, liegt an der “Oxytocin-Pumpe”.
00:16:07Vasopressin, das bei Männern stärker ausgeprägt ist, steht eher für Loyalität und Schutz.
00:16:14Aber beide Hormone sind für beide Geschlechter wichtig, damit man sich als lebenslange Partner
00:16:19fühlt. Es gibt Debatten darüber, ob wir von Natur aus monogam sind. Meistens aber ist das Ideal,”CID
00:16:24das Menschen anstreben, eine feste Paarbindung. Und genau so fühlt es sich beim Verlieben an:
00:16:30“Das ist es jetzt fürs Leben!”. Das Ziel ist es, gemeinsam dieses Oxytocin-Niveau zu erreichen,”CID
00:16:36die Ebene tiefer Verbundenheit und Freundschaft. Das ist das Geheimnis einer dauerhaften
00:16:43Partnerschaft: tiefe Freundschaft. Wenn diese Entwicklung zur dauerhaften Bindung ausbleibt,”CID
00:16:50folgt oft tiefe Enttäuschung. Manche sind erst wahnsinnig verliebt und hassen sich ein Jahr
00:16:55später leidenschaftlich. Warum? Weil sie nie die Ebene der Freundschaft erreicht haben. In der
00:16:58Sozialwissenschaft nennen wir das “kameradschaftliche Liebe”. Es gibt die leidenschaftliche Liebe
00:17:02am Anfang und die kameradschaftliche Liebe als Ziel. Auch darin gibt es Leidenschaft, aber man hat
00:17:06eben einen Gefährten. Den Menschen, mit dem man Hand in Hand dem Sonnenuntergang entgegengeht,”CID
00:17:10seinen besten Freund. Wenn Beziehungen scheitern, liegt es oft daran, dass dieser neurochemische
00:17:14Prozess asynchron verläuft – man ist nicht im selben Tempo unterwegs oder durchläuft nicht alle
00:17:20Phasen. Bei manchen Männern gibt es die Pathologie, dass sie nur die ersten beiden Phasen schaffen:
00:17:25Anziehung und Nervenkitzel. Eins, zwei, Stopp. Eins, zwei, eins, zwei. Das sind oft Männer mit der
00:17:31sogenannten “Dunklen Triade”. Bei ihnen geht es nur um Verführung, sie können keine tiefe
00:17:35Bindung mit Oxytocin aufbauen. Das sind oft die schlimmsten Partner, die eine Frau haben kann.
00:17:39Ein anderes Problem ist, wenn jemand den Prozess zu schnell durchläuft und den anderen damit
00:17:44verschreckt. Es gibt das Phänomen der “Emophilie” – nicht zu verwechseln mit der Bluterkrankheit.” CID
00:17:51Emophilie bedeutet, sich fast augenblicklich zu verlieben. Das tritt häufiger bei Frauen auf. Wenn sie
00:17:57im Eiltempo durch die Phasen rasen, kommen die Männer oft nicht mit und ziehen sich zurück.
00:18:03Aber Wissen ist Macht: Das ist kein Schicksal. Wenn man diese Muster bei sich erkennt, kann
00:18:10man mithilfe des Verstandes gegensteuern. Man kann sagen: “Ich fühle das zwar gerade, aber ich
00:18:15werde nicht danach handeln.”. Schauen Sie sich dazu meine Folge zum Umgang mit Emotionen an.”CID
00:18:20Besonders emophile Menschen sind oft sehr einfühlsam und liebenswert, aber sie leiden auch
00:18:25mehr. Hier hilft Selbstmanagement. Aber es geht nicht nur um Neurobiologie. Die meisten Religionen
00:18:29sehen in der romantischen Liebe auch etwas Mystisches. Im Hinduismus etwa wird die irdische
00:18:34Liebe als Symbol für die göttliche Liebe verehrt. In der Bibel heißt es: “Das ist nun Bein von
00:18:39meinem Bein und Fleisch von meinem Fleisch.”. Oft denkt man dabei nur an Sex, aber es geht auch”CID
00:18:44darum, ein gemeinsames Gehirn zu werden. Besonders die rechte Gehirnhälfte spielt bei der
00:18:51Kommunikation zwischen Verliebten eine große Rolle. Nach 34 Jahren kommunizieren meine Frau
00:18:56und ich jenseits von Worten. Wir sind wie eine pulsierende rechte Gehirnhälfte, selbst wenn wir
00:19:02uns streiten. Das ist dieser göttliche Aspekt der Einheit. Man könnte sagen, Brooks sei ein
00:19:07Romantiker. Aber ich bin auch Wissenschaftler. Bei der Liebe treffen Romantik und Wissenschaft
00:19:13perfekt aufeinander. Das ist auch ein Grund, warum religiöse Menschen oft stabilere Beziehungen
00:19:18haben – mit niedrigeren Scheidungsraten und höherer Zufriedenheit. Studien zeigen sogar, dass
00:19:24glücklich verheiratete religiöse Paare oft mehr Sex haben als nicht-religiöse. Warum? Weil für
00:19:29sie die Liebe ein Ausdruck des Göttlichen ist. Die Beziehung ist wie eine Antenne zu Gott. Religiöse
00:19:34Paare spüren oft: Wenn ich meinem Partner Liebe verweigere, verweigere ich ihm Gottes Liebe.
00:19:38Sogar Einstein, der kein traditionell Gläubiger, aber sehr spirituell war, glaubte, dass wir den Sinn
00:19:42der Welt nicht durch die Wissenschaft, sondern durch die romantische Liebe verstehen. Was also
00:19:48ist Liebe eigentlich? Aristoteles, Thomas von Aquin und viele andere definierten Liebe als
00:19:54“das Wohl des anderen zu wollen”. Es geht also nicht nur um Gefühle, sondern um den Willen.”CID
00:20:00Ein Gefühl ist ein Beweis für die Liebe, aber nicht die Liebe selbst – so wie der Geruch des Truthahns
00:20:05ein Beweis für das Festessen ist. Wenn Liebe nur ein Gefühl wäre, wäre ich keine 34 Jahre
00:20:12verheiratet gewesen, sondern keine 34 Minuten, denn Gefühle ändern sich beim ersten Streit.
00:20:16Unser Wortschatz für Liebe im Englischen (und Deutschen) ist eigentlich zu armselig. Man liebt
00:20:19seine Frau, seinen Hund, seinen Job und Pizza. Alles mit demselben Wort! Das Spanische ist da
00:20:25etwas besser mit “querer” und “amar”. Aber die alten Griechen hatten es wirklich raus: Sie hatten”CID
00:20:30sieben Wörter für Liebe: Eros (leidenschaftlich), Philia (freundschaftlich), Agape (bedingungslos),
00:20:35Storge (familiär), Ludus (spielerisch), Pragma (praktisch) und Philautia (Selbstliebe). Das hilft
00:20:41uns zum Beispiel, die gefürchtete “Friendzone” zu verstehen: Einer empfindet Eros, der andere nur Philia.”CID
00:20:49Das führt zwangsläufig zu Herzschmerz. Die Griechen helfen uns auch, die Verbindung zwischen
00:20:54Liebe und Lebenssinn zu verstehen. In Platons “Symposion” wird die Geschichte von Sokrates”CID
00:20:59erzählt, der von der weisen Diotima etwas über die “Leiter der Liebe” lernt. Es beginnt mit der”CID
00:21:05körperlichen Anziehung zu einem schönen Menschen. Das ist die erste Sprosse. Von dort gelangt
00:21:10man zur Liebe für die Seele dieses Menschen. Dadurch lernt man, etwas Gutes außerhalb seiner
00:21:17selbst zu schätzen. Man überwindet den kindlichen Egoismus. Erst wenn man die Schönheit einer
00:21:23anderen Seele erkennt, kann man auch das Gute in der Gesellschaft und schließlich abstrakte
00:21:27Ideen und den tieferen Sinn des Lebens lieben lernen. Alles beginnt mit diesem einen Blick quer durch
00:21:32den Raum. Das ist der Grund, warum Menschen oft erst durch ihren Seelenverwandten zum Sinn
00:21:36ihres Lebens finden. Aber wie fängt man an? Es erfordert Risiko. Junge Menschen gehen heute oft
00:21:43weniger Risiken ein als früher – sei es beim Autofahren, beim Ausgehen oder eben in der Liebe.
00:21:50Dabei ist das Risiko für das Herz die ultimative unternehmerische Entscheidung: Man setzt wertvolle
00:21:55Ressourcen ein in der Hoffnung auf eine enorme Rendite. Ich erzählte das mal jungen Leuten in
00:22:06Washington D.C. – einem furchtbaren Pflaster für Singles. Ein junger Mann nahm sich das zu Herzen
00:22:14und gestand einer Frau seine Liebe. Sie gab ihm einen Korb. Er war am Boden zerstört, aber später
00:22:19dankte er mir: Er hatte seine größte Angst überwunden und gemerkt, dass er nicht stirbt. Man lernt
00:22:25aus dem Schmerz. Man reift, erkennt, was man wirklich will, und versteht seine Fehler. In der Regel
00:22:31dauert es nur ein paar Monate, bis man über Herzschmerz hinweg ist. Psychologisch gesehen sinkt
00:22:34der Trennungsschmerz Woche für Woche. Ein interessanter Fakt: Paracetamol kann tatsächlich
00:22:40helfen, diesen seelischen Schmerz zu lindern, da Psychologie eben Biologie ist. Ein weiterer Rat:
00:22:46Suchen Sie nicht nach Ihrem Ebenbild auf Dating-Apps, sondern nach einer Ergänzung. Zu viel
00:22:52Gleichheit ist nicht attraktiv; Unterschiede machen es spannend. Das zeigt auch die berühmte
00:22:56T-Shirt-Studie: Wir finden Menschen attraktiv, deren Immunsystem sich von unserem unterscheidet.
00:23:00Haben Sie also Mut zum Risiko und zur Differenz. Zum Abschluss möchte ich noch auf zwei E-Mails
00:23:05eingehen. Linda fragte nach Entscheidungstypen: Es gibt eher intuitive (rechte Gehirnhälfte) und
00:23:09eher datenbasierte (linke Gehirnhälfte) Entscheider. Das Beste ist, beides zu nutzen. Und Tom fragte
00:23:14nach Eisbädern am Morgen: Sie wirken ähnlich wie Kaffee durch Dopamin und Cortisol, aber die
00:23:20Langzeitfolgen von ständig hohem Cortisol sind noch nicht gut erforscht. Seien Sie also vorsichtig.
00:23:23Das war's für heute. Schreiben Sie mir an officehours@arthurbrooks.com, abonnieren Sie den
00:23:29Podcast und folgen Sie mir auf Social Media. Ich wünsche Ihnen eine tolle Woche voller Liebe.
00:23:34why don't they work out? Frequently, it's because this neurochemical cascade that proceeds through
00:23:39very distinctive stages, people do it out of sync. They're not going through it at the same speed.
00:23:46So you can see how that's a problem, or that somebody doesn't go through the whole thing.
00:23:50And there's a real pathology with a lot of men. And again, this is a hypothesis. You can't really test
00:23:55this directly. But it's a pretty sound hypothesis nonetheless, that some guys, they can't get through
00:24:01all four stages. They can only go from sex hormones for attraction to thrill, right? One, two, stop.
00:24:09One, two, one, two. You've met guys like this, probably. Some women, but it's really quite common
00:24:15with guys. And these are a lot of guys who tend to be dark triads, by the way. And you know what
00:24:19that is. If you've watched the show for any length of time, I'll put a link here to the episode on how
00:24:25to spot a dark triad. And they tend to go... They're really attracted and they get a thrill, but they
00:24:30stop there because they don't fall in love. And so it's one, two, one, two, one, two. It's all about
00:24:35seduction. These are the worst guys that women typically get involved in, as a matter of fact.
00:24:41They just can't get through the whole neurochemical cascade all the way to a loving, committed
00:24:47relationship, which by its nature is companion at love with tons of oxytocin is how that works.
00:24:54So that's the way to understand how all this works. But it's also, it shows that when, for example,
00:24:59somebody tends to go through this really, really fast, they can scare other people off. And there is
00:25:04a phenomenon called hemophilia. I don't mean hemophilia. It's a blood disorder without the H.
00:25:10Hemophilia is a syndrome in which people fall in love almost instantaneously. And it tends to be
00:25:16more common in women than it is for men. And so women who fall in love really, really, really
00:25:21quickly, they often have problems because they're going like lickety split through this neurochemical
00:25:26cascade and guys can't keep up and the guys get scared off. So I would say that one problem is
00:25:33guys who don't get through the whole cascade and women who go too quickly through the cascade. But
00:25:37these are common problems that we see. And especially in the second case, if you're
00:25:41hemophilic, if you go too quickly, knowledge is power. This is not some sort of deterministic
00:25:47path where you're going to be stuck on this for the rest of your life. On the contrary,
00:25:50once you know this, the knowledge can actually help you slow this down and metacognitively,
00:25:56in other words, using your executive centers, decide on how you're going to behave,
00:26:00saying, "Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm doing that thing. I'm doing that thing. I'm feeling that thing,
00:26:05but I'm not going to do that thing, notwithstanding my feelings." And once again, how do you manage
00:26:09your feelings so they don't manage you? Go back to the episode on managing your emotions. And that's
00:26:14what you'll be able to use if you tend to be quite an hemophilic person. Hemophilic people are so
00:26:19emotive, they're so empathetic, they're so lovely, but they suffer. They suffer. And if that's you,
00:26:25then figure out ways to manage yourself. Go back to that episode and you'll see ways to actually
00:26:30do that. Okay, so there's lots of unbelievably useful information in this little primer on the
00:26:36neurobiology of falling in love, to be sure. But it's not just about neurobiology. Most religious
00:26:42traditions believe that there's a kind of a mystical sense in romantic love. I mean, in
00:26:48Hinduism, in the Bhagavad Purana, the authors elegize earthly love in the deity of Lord Krishna
00:26:58as a symbol of divine love. In other words, there's something divine about earthly love.
00:27:02It's a simulacrum. It's a model in the Hindu religion. It's a beautiful thing.
00:27:06In the Jewish and Christian Bible, "This is now the bone of my bones, the flesh of my flesh," said
00:27:12Adam about Eve. And you often think that it's like we become one flesh as kind of a reference to sex,
00:27:19but you know, it's one brain, man. And again, all the work that I've done talking about the
00:27:25hemispheric lateralization, the right hemisphere of the brain, this is really where communication
00:27:31happens between two people who are falling in love. And you know, after 34 years, I'm in love
00:27:35with my wife. I just am. And how do we communicate? We communicate beyond the level of just words. I
00:27:43mean, our language centers are in the left side of our brain, the Broca's area, and the Wernicke's
00:27:47area, and the left cortex. No, we're one pulsing right hemisphere, especially when things are
00:27:54working well. But even when they're not, even when we're fighting a lot, it's like, "Why are you so
00:27:59mad at me?" "I don't know." That's classic case of one flesh right there. Celebrate it. I mean, it's
00:28:06probably sometimes, but the whole point is that's the way it's supposed to work. That's the divine
00:28:11sense of what it is. Now, you might say like Brooks is such a romantic. "No, no, no, I'm a scientist.
00:28:16I'm both." Because when it comes to love, iron sharpens iron. The romance and the science,
00:28:23boy, did they ever meet up. This is also one of the reasons, by the way, when we get into the
00:28:26divinity of this thing, that people who regularly practice their religions, they have so much more
00:28:33success, generally speaking, in their relationships than those who don't. Now, again, I'm not saying
00:28:38that if you're not religious, you can't have success. I'm just saying that the odds go up
00:28:41if you do. Way lower divorce rates, way lower disillusion rates, and much, much higher levels
00:28:46of marital satisfaction. And Brad Wilcox, the University of Virginia, the Institute for Family
00:28:50Studies also shows that married couples, happily married couples who are religious, they tend to
00:28:56have a lot more sex than married couples who are not religious, which probably for secular couples
00:29:02sounds pretty surprising or it might, I don't know. Why is this? Because romantic love for really
00:29:09devout people in almost every religion, it's a manifestation of the divine. It's almost as if
00:29:16your marriage, your relationship, is an antenna to God. It's the craziest thing. And some of you
00:29:22watching will know what I'm talking about and some will be really baffled by this. But long married
00:29:27couples that have a strong religious faith, my faith or sort of any faith, they feel it's kind
00:29:32of like those old nuclear submarines where you'd have to have the first and second officers have
00:29:39a key to launch nuclear missiles. You have two keys in different parts of the sub, turn them both on,
00:29:45and then you can launch the missile. That's kind of how it feels like to have a connection to God,
00:29:50you need to have both keys turning is how that feels. And there's this really strong sense for
00:29:54a lot of religious couples that when I deny my spouse love, I'm denying her God's love.
00:30:00And again, if you're not religious, you're going, "That's crazy." But those of you who are
00:30:06religious, you'll know what I'm talking about. Einstein himself, by the way, who was not a
00:30:10traditional religious believer, but he was actually quite spiritual, the master theoretician of the
00:30:15universe's ultimate forces, he believed that it was love, romantic love, not science. That was how we
00:30:22would understand the meaning of the world and our place in it. The guy who invented the theory of
00:30:26relativity didn't say that these equations are going to help us understand the world and our place in
00:30:32it. It's romantic love, which was beyond his ability to articulate meaningfully. Okay. So what
00:30:39is it? What is love? What is love? You know, I should have defined it from the very beginning,
00:30:43but it gets back to good old Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas and Averroes and Maimonides and a lot of
00:30:50people in between would have defined love as to will the good of the other. Okay. So this might sound
00:30:57like I'm kind of getting off base here because I'm talking about a lot of sentiments, a lot of
00:31:01emotions, a lot of brain activity, and now I'm talking about the will, right? That the love is
00:31:06the will to go to the other as other. But that is actually the definition of what it means to be
00:31:12pair bonded with somebody. You know, if love, even romantic love, were just about a feeling,
00:31:18well, a feeling is evidence of love. It isn't love itself. The feeling of love is evidence of love,
00:31:24just like the smell of the turkey is evidence of Thanksgiving dinner, kind of like happiness,
00:31:28kind of works the same way. Happiness is not a feeling. Feelings are evidence of happiness. Well,
00:31:32the feeling of love is evidence of love. So love is an act of will and a commitment toward another
00:31:38person's good. They're good as them, is the way that that turns out. If love were just a feeling,
00:31:44man, I wouldn't have been married 34 years. I wouldn't have been married 34 minutes because
00:31:47that's probably when he had our first big argument. I mean, my wife is Spanish. Fighting is like a
00:31:54basic form of communication for them. So, yeah. So what is it? It's the will to go to the other.
00:32:00The trouble is that we don't have good vocabulary for it, especially in English.
00:32:04I mean, the fact that we got one word for love is pathetic, I have to say in English. You can love
00:32:10your wife. You can love your husband. You can love your dog. You can love your job. You can love the
00:32:15Red Sox. You can love Chicago deep dish pizza. But if you're loving all those things in the same way,
00:32:20well, there's some problems here. We need to talk. Obviously, you don't love everything in the same
00:32:25way. And we have a diminished vocabulary for the thing that we most want, at least most of us most
00:32:32want. Now, Spanish, which is my other language at this point, because Mrs. B and I, we kind of
00:32:36grew up together. And so we now speak a melange, a 50/50 melange of Spanish and English, a Spanglish,
00:32:42you might say. Spanish is marginally better for talking about love. It has two words that really
00:32:48mean that, kerer and amar. Amar is sort of deep passionate romantic love. Kerer is... It really
00:32:54means to love another person, to be sure, but you wouldn't use them interchangeably. You wouldn't say
00:33:00te amo to your sister. You wouldn't say that. You'd say te quiero, because I love you as a person,
00:33:07if that's how you express yourself, your sister. And that wouldn't be weird. So, differences, right?
00:33:13You know who got it right was the ancient Greeks. And I wish I could speak authoritatively about,
00:33:17I don't know, Sanskrit or the Dravidian languages of Southern India, which are so unbelievably rich
00:33:24in deep, deep psychology. I bet that they have great vocabularies in it, but I can't speak to
00:33:29that with any sort of authority. But Greek is unbelievable. There's seven words for love. Eros,
00:33:35which is romantic passionate love. Philia, which is brotherly love, or friendship, deep friendship.
00:33:42Agape, which is unconditional selfless love, including for the divine. Storga, which is between
00:33:50family members. Ludus, which is playful love or flirtation, which can lead to eros. Pragma,
00:33:57which means practical love and companionship. And philautia, which is self-love. And of course,
00:34:02all those things are really, really different, and they have a different verb for it, a different word
00:34:06for it in Greek for each one of those things. And this is really interesting, because it turns out
00:34:12that that's not just intellectual stuff. On the contrary, if we had a better understanding or a
00:34:16better vocabulary for different forms of love in English, we would be able to explain, for example,
00:34:21the friend zone, the dreaded friend zone. Sounds so nice, doesn't it? It's not nice, right? That's
00:34:26where two people are together and who could conceivably be fall in love, eros, mutually,
00:34:32but they don't. One has eros and the other has philia. One has passionate romantic love for the
00:34:40other and the other has friendship love. And that's just, it's sad for the one who, you know, philia
00:34:46is great. I love, I have tons of friends. I'm really glad they have philia for me, but I wouldn't
00:34:50want my wife to have philia for me. I mean, she does at this point because we have a deep kind of
00:34:54enduring love. On the contrary, we have all seven. That's what a long relationship is all about. But
00:35:00eros is the bedrock of it because we're husband and wife. This explains the mismatches that actually
00:35:06lead to heartbreak, as a matter of fact. Okay. Now, speaking of the Greeks, the reason I wanted
00:35:11to bring up the Greeks really is that the Greeks are the ones who help us understand this link
00:35:18between romantic love and the meaning of life and the meaning of life. And here's how it works.
00:35:23In Plato's symposium, which for those of you who haven't read it, Plato's symposium
00:35:28is really what it's doing. It's kind of, it's describing the words of Socrates. Socrates was
00:35:32Plato's teacher, but Socrates never wrote anything. So everything we know about Socrates's words
00:35:37actually comes from Plato. And so we don't know. I mean, did Socrates really say it? Was he taking
00:35:43dictation? Was he kind of working from memory? Probably working from memory. But the whole point
00:35:49is that in Plato's symposium, he tells the story of Socrates. When Socrates was recounting a time
00:35:55in his own youth, that he went to a prophetess named Deotima of Mantinea. Deotima of Mantinea,
00:36:02this prophetess, this really wise woman, and he asked her about love. How does love work? And
00:36:08it's this young guy and he wants to fall in love. He's really romantic and the whole thing. He says,
00:36:12"How does it work? How does it work, prophetess?" And Deotima of Mantinea talks to him about,
00:36:17describes to him what's called the ladder of love. Okay. Now, the ladder of love is something you can
00:36:22Google it if you want. In my new book, "The Meaning of Your Life," you'll get a bunch of stuff on the
00:36:27ladder of love. So I think it's awesome. And by the way, read the symposium on Plato if you haven't
00:36:32done that, because that's actually a really, really good use of your time, that talks about how
00:36:37romantic love leads to the deep meaning of life. It's the entry point. I'm not saying that falling
00:36:44in love instantaneously gives you the meaning of life. Here's how it works. The first rung of the
00:36:49ladder for most young people, most young adults who are most eager to fall in love, although don't
00:36:54get me wrong, I've met people in their 80s who fall madly head over heels in love. We're made to love
00:37:00because we're not supposed to be alone. Most of us aren't at least. That the first rung of the ladder
00:37:05is physical attraction to a single beautiful person. And by a single beautiful person, I don't
00:37:10mean who's objectively Madison Avenue on an ad beautiful. I'm talking about who in all the ways
00:37:18in their soul, their heart, and the way that they look to you in your eyes is a beautiful person.
00:37:25And your physical attraction to that person for all the things about them that make them who they
00:37:31are, that you have this, when I say physical attraction, that means you've got the attraction.
00:37:35And I described the neurobiological origins of attraction. You know how this works. That first
00:37:41feeling that you have is not, you're not an animal. You're not a dog. You're a human that's being
00:37:47initiated in the rights of deep philosophical meaning of what it means to be a human.
00:37:53That's really what Diotima of Mantinea was telling Socrates. Why? Because that is the first rung of
00:38:00the ladder, the second of which you need the first to get to the second. And the second is the love
00:38:06of the actual soul. So first you have the admiration of somebody's physical beauty, and then you have
00:38:12the love of their soul. So there was the initiation that brought you in contact with somebody, and then
00:38:19you can actually go deeper with the person. From that, only when you have a love of somebody's soul
00:38:24do you have an appreciation for something good that's not you. See how that works? It's like,
00:38:31so it's not all about me, me, me, me, me. And I have a, I know a bunch of grandsons at this point.
00:38:35And they're awesome. They're great, but they're littler, teeny tiny, they're babies. And like the
00:38:40most egotistical people in the world are babies. They kind of have to be to stay alive. Part of
00:38:45what it means to grow up and to become even an adult is to realize deeply in your soul,
00:38:52realize that as you looking out at a world of other beautiful things and beautiful people,
00:38:58the way that's initiated is by saying, wow, she's so stunning. And then to say, and she's got a
00:39:04gorgeous soul. And only when you appreciate the depth and beauty of somebody else's soul can you
00:39:09appreciate the depth and beauty of all of the good things in society that are not you. That's rung
00:39:16number three. From there, it's not just good things in society. Then you can go to the abstract and
00:39:22have a, and develop according to Socrates, a love of ideas of abstract concepts, that the love for
00:39:28things that are not you doesn't have to be limited to people and stuff. It's abstract ideas, which
00:39:34isn't easy. It requires maturity. It requires experience to be sure, but only from there,
00:39:40from the love of actual beautiful ideas, can you move to the love of what is most beautiful and
00:39:45what's actually meaningful in life. You can understand the meaning of your own life.
00:39:49That's the ladder of love that actually starts by looking at somebody across the,
00:39:55down the church pew or across the bar or in class and go, man, what a knockout. And then
00:40:03yada, yada, yada, as they used to say in Seinfeld, you know, four or five steps later,
00:40:07maybe a couple of decades later, you understand the meaning of your life, but you got to start
00:40:10somewhere. That's what Socrates' point. But that's one of the reasons that I find in my own research
00:40:16that people always say, how do I know the meaning of the life? And I would just spontaneously start
00:40:19talking about the love of their life, their soulmate, is how that actually works. So how do
00:40:25you do it? How do you initiate appropriately the neurochemical cascade, one that proceeds in an
00:40:32orderly fashion, more or less than the same speed that leads to companion that love can allow you to
00:40:39climb the ladder of love toward the meaning of your life? How do you solve the love depression
00:40:44that I talked about in the very beginning, looking at the data in your own life?
00:40:48Now, to begin with, to do this requires risk, taking risk. One of the characteristics that I
00:40:57find that's actually inhibiting falling in love the most, and this once again gets back to the
00:41:02literature that I look at every single day and what I write about, is that younger people,
00:41:07believe it or not, are actually less risk-taking than people were when they were young who are now
00:41:13my age. And this gets a lot to the work of Jean Twenge, a wonderful social psychologist at San
00:41:18Diego State University, who talks about how young adults are growing up much more slowly,
00:41:24and the way that she measures that is with risk-taking behavior. Now, some of it's pretty
00:41:28innocuous and healthy, like driving. Some of it's less healthy, like drinking and using drugs,
00:41:35which everybody says, "Oh, young people, they're drinking and taking drugs more than ever." No,
00:41:39wrong. A lot less, as a matter of fact. They're also less likely to fall in love. They're also
00:41:43less likely to have sex, and it has everything to do, she says, of a lower willingness to take
00:41:49personal risk. Now, risk is funny because there's bad risks and there's good risks, but risk in
00:41:56general is not an unhealthy thing. On the contrary, that's characteristic of being an entrepreneur
00:42:01with your life. And I don't recommend being an entrepreneur with your life by taking dangerous
00:42:05drugs and driving 100 miles an hour. That's stupid. But risks with your heart, another matter. That's
00:42:12the most entrepreneurial thing that you can do. Years ago, not that many years ago, I was giving
00:42:16a speech on Capitol Hill for a bunch of Capitol Hill staffers, people in their 20s. Now, for a
00:42:21little bit of background, Washington DC is the world's most dysfunctional dating market. I mean,
00:42:26it's everybody's climbing, and it's all about power, and it's just not a healthy way for people
00:42:31to fall in love, I have found. And so they were really deeply interested when I was talking about
00:42:37this topic. And I said, "Look, if you really want to be an entrepreneur, real entrepreneur with your
00:42:40life, give your heart away. Take a risk." That's the ultimate risk of putting at risk valuable
00:42:47resources in search of explosive returns. That's the definition of entrepreneurship.
00:42:51I thought it was clever anyway. A couple of weeks later, a guy comes up to me on a plane,
00:42:55because I'm always on a plane. And he says, "Professor Brooks." I said, "Yeah." He says,
00:43:00"I was at that talk you got on Capitol Hill about being an entrepreneur with my life,
00:43:04and to get my heart away and take a risk." And I said, "Yeah." He says, "And I can't get it out
00:43:07of my head." I said, "Yeah." He said, "So I'm on my way right now to tell a woman I've been secretly in
00:43:13love with for two years how I feel. I'm going to spill it." And I'm like, "Dude, it was only
00:43:21a speech. I'm not trying to ruin your life." I was kind of worried about that because I'm thinking,
00:43:26"Yeah, I mean, this could have consequences." And I said, "Here's my email. Let me know how it turns
00:43:32out." He said, "Okay." And I didn't hear from him, which seemed like not great. Well, I did see him
00:43:40some months later at a holiday party at the company that I was running, and he showed up. And he said,
00:43:46"Remember me?" And I said, "Yeah." And I said, "How did it go? How did it go with that woman
00:43:52that you were in love with?" And he said, "She shot me down. She wasn't in love with me. Not at all.
00:43:56She was in love with another guy. She introduced me to him. It was horrible." And I was very contrite.
00:44:02I said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to ruin your life." And he said, "No, no, no, no." He said,
00:44:05"The reason I came is because I wanted to thank you." I said, "Thank me? For what?" And he said,
00:44:12"Because, you know, that was the thing I was most afraid of in my life. I mean, I just couldn't...
00:44:18I couldn't bear the thought of that happening. And it did. And I didn't die. And I'm not afraid
00:44:25anymore." You get the point, right? This makes you stronger. Now, to be sure, it is unbelievably
00:44:34painful to be rejected. I have studied the pain of social rejection. The dorsal anterior cingulate
00:44:40cortex of the brain is designed in the limbic system to make you hate social rejection. Even in
00:44:47little games when they put people in machines to look at the activities of their brains,
00:44:50and they simulate rejection by having a ball-tossing game that you're looking at on a screen, and two
00:44:57other people start excluding you from the game, it starts to feel painful in this dorsal anterior
00:45:02cingulate cortex of your brain. Imagine when somebody says to you, "You love me, but I don't
00:45:07love you." It's going to be unbelievably painful. It's intensely painful, as a matter of fact. And
00:45:14I've talked about this kind of pain in past episodes in the past. But here's the thing.
00:45:18That's how you learn. That's the only way that you learn. What do you learn? You learn about what went
00:45:24wrong. You learn that you won't die. You learn more what you're looking for. You learn that that wasn't
00:45:32the person for you, and why. That's why it's so critically important to get into the cycle of try,
00:45:37fail, suffer, try, try again. Now, I've got a lot of data on how long it actually takes
00:45:47for people to get over their heartbreak. And the answer is usually a few months, not a few years.
00:45:53It's very unusual that you have a breakup, and it lasts years and years. On the contrary, you will
00:45:57actually get over it sooner than you think. And six weeks from now, you'll be on a date with somebody
00:46:01else going, "I can't believe I love that loser so much." That's the typical thing that we actually
00:46:06find. But also, the learning that you get is really the big, big benefit from this. There's a really
00:46:12interesting paper on this, a 2018 study that looked at 160 daters who were in their 20s.
00:46:18And then they broke up around the age of 22, which is kind of the modal age to have your first big
00:46:24breakup of somebody that you're truly in love with, it turns out. And then ask them what they learned.
00:46:30And it turns out that those who actually believe they learned from their breakup, they had much
00:46:35higher relationship satisfaction subsequently and lower relationship conflict in their next
00:46:41relationship. In other words, learn, learn, learn, do the postmortem, figure out what actually went
00:46:46wrong, and you will benefit from this. But you have to fail as part of the process here so that you can
00:46:53get better. That means take a risk and be willing to fail. What do they learn, by the way? They learn
00:46:58three things. Here's what breakups teach you. Social cognitive maturity, right? That's like,
00:47:04"I know why I behaved like an idiot, and I won't do that again because I matured." Number two is
00:47:09romantic agency. "I know what I want now." And number three is coherence. You all know what that
00:47:15is because you've been following the show. That means why things happen the way they do. "I know
00:47:19why my last relationship failed, and I'm going to fix those mistakes in the future." You only get
00:47:24that from experience. This is why people, they tend to do best in marriages, for example, after
00:47:31they've had a few breakups. Not 50 breakups, not 200 breakups. We're talking about a few breakups.
00:47:38It's kind of like a mature startup is the way that that works. A couple of false starts along the way.
00:47:43Mature startups, not mergers. Certainly not hostile takeovers. Anyway, I'm not going to press that
00:47:50metaphor. All right. That's number one. Take more risk. That's the first of the protocols of how to
00:47:58fall in love and stay in love. Number two, don't look for your body double. Look for your compliment.
00:48:06This is really important. Now, I'm really interested in how technology is affecting how people
00:48:14fall in love and stay in love. 62% of long-term relationships now are starting on the apps.
00:48:20That's kind of how people meet. I talk to young people, and I say, "Why don't you just go up when
00:48:23you're having a drink after work? Go up and talk to somebody," because they're like, "Because I don't
00:48:27want them to think I'm a serial killer." Yeah. I mean, society is very complicated, and how people
00:48:33meet actually changes. I've got a lot of thoughts on that. It's very important, if you can, to meet
00:48:38people in real life. Usually, that's actually not in a bar. That's around common interests,
00:48:43whether it's a running club or church or whatever your thing actually happens to be. But probably,
00:48:48for those of you who are watching this and you're in the dating pool, you're probably using the apps
00:48:52because most people aren't. What should you be looking for? The answer is not somebody who's
00:48:57exactly like you. One of the problems with many of the apps, the apps are getting better at this,
00:49:01and I'm very bullish on what the apps are going to be able to do. I'm not anti-technology.
00:49:05But what they've often done in the past is allowed you to curate your dating profile to
00:49:10eliminate everybody who doesn't have a lot of overlap with you beyond just some basic values.
00:49:17We vote the same way. We listen to the same music. We want to go live in the same city. We work in the
00:49:22same industry, everything. And pretty soon, you're looking in the mirror, and that is truly not hot.
00:49:29I hope that's not hot to you. Why is it that more and more people often say, who curate their dating
00:49:36profiles very, very studiously and in a very careful way, that they get a lot of dates but
00:49:42they don't have much attraction? And the answer is because there's too much compatibility and not
00:49:46enough complementarity. Complementarity is difference, and difference is hot. That's really where it comes
00:49:51down to. And again, this is a neurobiological phenomenon. Famous study. Many of you have heard
00:49:57about this. This is the Wedekind et al study in biological sciences, an old study, 1995.
00:50:03This is the famous T-shirt sniffing study. And what it was was, in a nutshell really quickly, is that
00:50:10guys on the college campus, these experiments always use undergraduate dudes because
00:50:16they'll do anything for 20 bucks. They had to wear a T-shirt around for 48 hours, working out, going to
00:50:22class, no showers. And then they would take those T-shirts and put them in shoeboxes and drill holes
00:50:26in the shoeboxes. And undergraduate women who didn't know them, or they didn't know who they were, there's
00:50:31no identifying characteristics in the boxes, had to sniff, I know it's gross, bear with me, sniff the
00:50:37T-shirts and say who's most attractive simply on the basis of the smell. What do they find?
00:50:42That those who are immunologically most dissimilar from them, the women, were most attractive to them.
00:50:49Now there's a reason for this. This is called the MHC, the major histocompatibility complex.
00:50:53You know, based on smell, you don't know. It's an indication to you because your brain
00:51:00knows so much more than you're consciously aware of. Who is dissimilar enough from you such that if you
00:51:05hypothetically have offspring, who's going to have a wider immunological repertoire? You want people who
00:51:11have different defenses than you. That's what the major histocompatibility complex actually is,
00:51:17which you ascertain through the olfactory bulb in your brain, among other ways of ascertaining that.
00:51:23You can do it through sight and a lot of other ways as well. The bottom line is this. More different,
00:51:29hotter, right? But we're not curating for that when we're spending too much time looking for the body
00:51:35double. We're very narcissistic as creatures, I get it. But the more narcissistic you are and the more
00:51:40that you're picking your dating partners as opposed to somebody who actually loves you and said, "I'd
00:51:44be the perfect person for her." They're not saying it's just like her. They're saying it's enough like
00:51:49her and then enough different than her as well. That's principle number two of the protocol.
00:51:54Look for difference, not just similarity. Number three, don't fear breaking up.
00:52:02Don't fear the breakup. I've talked about this a little bit before, but if you're paralyzed
00:52:08by the possible pain, you won't do what you need to do. So this really is tied to step one of the
00:52:14protocol. You know, if you're going into business and you're horribly, horribly afraid of having a
00:52:20mishap in business, you're gonna make bad business decisions. Now, if you're not afraid at all,
00:52:24you're also gonna make bad business decisions. But all of us are a little bit afraid. I'm not worried
00:52:28about that. But people who are paralyzed by fear almost always make non-entrepreneurial decisions,
00:52:34and that's fatal when it comes to romance. Don't fear. Now, let me be a little bit more specific
00:52:41about this. Have courage even if you do feel fear because that's really what it's all about.
00:52:47Feel the fear and act anyway. Say, "Bring it on. Bring on the risk." When a relationship dissolves,
00:52:57that they have a tendency to rate mental pain at a pretty significant level. It's slightly more
00:53:05than three on a one to seven scale of mental pain severity. People have actually looked at that,
00:53:10measured that, but it falls. It falls much faster than you think. Your brain is designed to make you
00:53:18think that when you're in pain, it's never gonna go away. The reason for that is because your brain
00:53:22wants you to avoid doing things that are painful to you. These things are threats. But you know beyond
00:53:28your just basic troglodyte limbic system that there's lots of things that you need to do,
00:53:33and that means you need to understand that whereas your limbic system is saying this pain is permanent,
00:53:38it's lying to you. It's transient. And therefore, you will walk into a situation in which there is
00:53:44possible pain. What do we know about that three on a one to seven scale? It goes down on average by
00:53:52about 0.07 points on that scale each week. So if you're a 3.5 in pain after a breakup on average,
00:54:00you can expect to feel a little bit better each week, where after six weeks, you're gonna feel
00:54:04less than half as bad about it. And by that point, less than half as bad is a pretty normal level of
00:54:09pain in your life, and you're probably gonna be dating again. And that's within six months. Okay,
00:54:13now one of the quick way to deal with this, by the way, really interesting literature that talks
00:54:18about how mental pain is affected by taking acetaminophen in Europe. If you're in Europe,
00:54:23that's called paracetamol. The brand name in the United States is Tylenol. And it turns out that
00:54:28it has an impact on this. Now, I'm not recommending you do this. See your healthcare professionals,
00:54:33but extra strength Tylenol, it tends to lower heartbreak. You know, don't take more than it
00:54:39says in the label folks, obviously, to do that. But that's an interesting thing because once again,
00:54:44psychology is biology. Okay, now I've gone a long time on this. I'm gonna go more on this. As a
00:54:49matter of fact, let me go back to where I started, which is the love of my life, my wife, Esther.
00:54:54She's the person on whom I'm gonna be laying my eyes as I take my dying breath. This is really
00:55:01a big part of who I am as a person. We've grown up together, you know, through music and
00:55:07graduate school, having kids, career changes. We've moved 20 times. We're like, you know,
00:55:14wanderers, but together. You know, we always joke, "Look, if you leave me, it's fine, but you gotta
00:55:19take me with you." You know? And so I want you to meet her because we're gonna talk about this
00:55:23together. And we do this a lot. We work with couples. She does it more differently than I
00:55:27do because she's actually... Her graduate work was not in behavioral science like mine. Hers was in
00:55:33philosophy and theology. And so we're gonna get together and talk to you a little bit about how
00:55:38we talk together as a couple, two couples that are just getting together or in some various stage of
00:55:45falling in love or staying in love or getting married. And you're gonna see how she thinks
00:55:49about it. Okay. Now, a couple of quick emails and then we'll say goodbye. Linda Bittner
00:55:55by email. Thanks, Linda. I know people arrive at decisions differently, but I don't know if there's
00:56:01a right or wrong way or if there are patterns or types of decision-makers. What can you tell me
00:56:07about this? There are different kinds of decision-makers. Now, I've done work briefly
00:56:12and there's a lot more coming on hemispheric lateralization of the brain where the right and
00:56:16left hemispheres do different things. There are some people who are more right hemisphere
00:56:20decision-makers, which is to say they rely more on intuition and gut than their decisions. There
00:56:25are some who are more left-side decision-makers, which is that they rely more on data. Men tend to
00:56:31be more data-oriented and things-oriented in their decision-making, women more on intuition and on
00:56:37their gut. Obviously, the best way to do it, I hope obviously at this point if you're a fan of the show
00:56:41is you gotta use both. And if you're a natural left-side decision-maker, rely more on the right,
00:56:47consult more your gut. Think more that way and vice versa is the way that I think about it. But those
00:56:52are the two ways to do it and neither one is actually better. One of the things that the best
00:56:56couples, the most successful couples do is that they wire their hemispheres together so they can
00:57:02make smart decisions based on each other's point of view, and especially true if they're more different,
00:57:08not more the same. Tom Fitzsimmons by email, "Quick question on the wellness front." This is a good
00:57:15biology one. "I've been using cold plunges as a coffee replacement." Why choose between them, Tom?
00:57:22Anyway, "39 degrees in the tub for two minutes." Tom, you're a tough hombre. "First thing in the
00:57:26morning and I'm loving the effects." A lot of people do. "I'm curious what your take is on
00:57:30cold plunges and what the data actually say." Worth it? We're overblown. People love it just like you.
00:57:36Phenomenal. The reason that you like it instead of your coffee is because it's actually doing
00:57:40a lot of the things that coffee does, most specifically it's spiking your dopamine and
00:57:44your cortisol, which is a stress hormone produced in the cortex of your adrenal glands sitting above
00:57:50your kidneys. Great, but there's no long-run studies yet. Very, very few studies are actually
00:57:56tracking even beyond a few months versus sauna, which is very, very well studied and extremely
00:58:02beneficial and totally safe. I'm not saying that cold plunge isn't safe. I'm just saying that it's
00:58:08not very well studied. And so you do it and you like it and that's great, but we don't know if
00:58:14long-term exposure to spikes of cortisol have effects on aging. There's a lot that we don't
00:58:19know yet with respect to elevated cortisol. So proceed with caution, proceed with your eyes
00:58:23open and as always, be your own lab. Well, that's it. We've come to the end. Let me know your thoughts
00:58:30on this or anything else. Office hours at arthurbrooks.com. Like and subscribe on Spotify,
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00:58:48life to learn more about everything I've talked about today and everything I'm going to be talking
00:58:51about in the next few weeks. And in the meantime, as you're waiting for my book to come to you,
00:58:56have a great week. Spread these ideas, lift other people up in bonds of happiness and love,
00:59:00and I'll see you next week.