Transcript
00:00:00You ever done 5-Meo DMT? You should. You should. It's not like anything on this planet.
00:00:07It is, uh, it's super fast. It takes no time to build up, but they set you down and it's supposed
00:00:13to be a purge. And knowing everything I know now, and I've been down quite a few times now,
00:00:18and I've taken guys down and hosted a medicine forum, everything that conjured up from Ibogaine,
00:00:23if I would not have done 5-Meo and I would have went home in that state, I probably wouldn't be
00:00:28here. I had not come to terms and accepted everything that I did. I wanted to go home
00:00:34and confess and do all this stuff. I was disgusted at myself. Every, every vile thing I had ever said
00:00:43to my wife or my kids or relationships I had sacrificed and compartmentalization, I felt so
00:00:48guilty for it. And it was like that yard of beer, just trauma. It was coming out of my mouth. And it's
00:00:52like, you know, those moments where you're sitting there brushing your teeth, looking at yourself in
00:00:57the mirror and you're like, DJ, I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe this is your
00:01:01reality. Like you've actually done this and you have to live with this shit now. How, how did you
00:01:07get so far off track from where you were to this point now? And you're sitting there literally staring
00:01:12in the mirror just like this in disbelief. Like, I can't believe you fucking did this.
00:01:16Like this is, you're really going to have to live through this. I can't, I can't do it. I don't want
00:01:24to go home. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to break her heart. I don't want to lose the
00:01:28things I have right now. I don't want to face reality. And it kind of gets you worked up in a 5-MEO
00:01:33DMT. And we laid back there and you smoke out of this crack pipe and it looks so intimidating. Like
00:01:40it's in a little glass vial. I mean, you're heating up like you're smoking a crack rock.
00:01:45And as soon as you lay your head back, when you exhale, it's like your whole body consolidates
00:01:49into a single spark and then it explodes. It feels and it looks like, you know, when Star Trek has
00:01:55taken off those trails, it's like that. And then you end up in stratosphere, just surrounded by
00:02:00whatever. It is the craziest thing. But the guy told me when you go, he's like, Hey, whatever happens,
00:02:07let it happen. If you think you're going to die, die. If you think you're going to explode,
00:02:11explode. If you think you're going to drown, just drown. Just one big exhale and let it take you.
00:02:16In the moment, you don't do that. In the moment, you're like, you're trying to hold onto it,
00:02:20hold onto it. So I would throw my arms out. I would scream and then I'd ball up and I'd cry.
00:02:2610, 15 minutes of like the ugliest crying you've ever seen. Uncontrollable,
00:02:30like throwing out, crying, like cry so hard you throw up. I woke up and I sat up and he looked at me
00:02:36and he went, that wasn't it. What do you mean that wasn't it? Like that was everything I had. He's
00:02:43like, hit him again. You want me to do that again? He's like, hit him again. I did six rounds of that
00:02:50dude, back to back to back over and over. And on the sixth one, this nurse came over,
00:02:56little Mexican nurse, super cool. And there was a team guy sitting off to my left or right. And he's
00:03:00like, you want to die, right? I said, yeah. He goes, then kill yourself. Do it right now with
00:03:06medicine. Like stop messing around. Stop with all the theatrics. Stop crying. Just do it.
00:03:12Kill yourself right now.
00:03:15It is true. I don't want to go home. I don't want to confess this. I am. I'll do it right now. I'm
00:03:20going to smoke this with the intention to kill myself and I'm going to hold my breath until it
00:03:23kills me because I'm not going home. Give me that thing again. And now I went through with the
00:03:27intention. I'm going to close this whole chapter out. So I envisioned the smoke was purple. And as
00:03:32I'm smoking this thing, I can feel it going through my whole body. I'm trying to push it down to my
00:03:36tippy toes. I'm trying to coat my whole self. I held back and I held that thing as long as I could.
00:03:41I could feel my eyes starting to flutter. Like it's really coming on. It feels like there's a,
00:03:45it feels like there's a cell phone this big behind your sternum and the whole thing starts to
00:03:49vibrate. And you're like, you can't take it anymore. As soon as you exhale, the whole blast off
00:03:54happens. And when that one happened, it killed me, killed my ego. It reset the whole baseline.
00:03:59And when I opened up from that one, she looked at me and goes, that was it. How you feel now? And I
00:04:04was like, I've got to get home. I got to get home right now. I got to see my old lady. Got to see my
00:04:09old lady. Got to see my girls right now. Got to get home. Got to get home right now. And then
00:04:13everything else kind of fell apart from there and we brought it all back together. And
00:04:18it was rough, man. It was so rough. It was so worth it though. If I wouldn't have gone down there,
00:04:25I wouldn't be here. A hundred percent. It's not a chance. Not a chance. You got to go.
00:04:35You're really not selling it to me, bro. Okay. Let's say somebody's, somebody's listening and they go,
00:04:40I'm not on 60 meds a day. No need me. I'm not ex-war veteran with a ton of PTSD from
00:04:49being shot out and shooting at people and stuff like that. I don't have PTSD from that at all.
00:04:53Not an ounce of my experience, not a single piece of it had anything in the military. It went from my
00:04:59childhood, zero to 16, gapped it, and then it picked me up when I transitioned up. Gapped the entire
00:05:06experience. I've been down, I've done, I began four or five times and five immediately with DMT.
00:05:11I've never had a military experience ever. Nothing. Trauma is trauma. The last time I went down,
00:05:17down with co-ed males, females, civilians, women, everybody, everybody's on the exact same path.
00:05:23You got trauma. That's how you get through it. That is 15, 20 years of therapy in five days. It's unreal.
00:05:29We've recently seen Trump sign that bill to fast track research and he's got,
00:05:35literally got ex-seals stood around him. Did you not watch our film?
00:05:41Okay. So, Marcus and Amber, they're all part of that thing. They're really one that kicked off that
00:05:45whole initiative. We did a documentary, it's on Netflix called In Ways and War. And that's really
00:05:50where the whole thing started from. Everybody got hooked up on there and got a bunch of Green Berets
00:05:55and a bunch of regular military fighter pilots are all in there and we just keep success after success
00:06:00after success. And you see it and you're like, why are we not doing this? They've been doing it for
00:06:04thousands of years. Like, why are we not letting us go? And it's often a bunch of spillover stuff from
00:06:08the 50s, 60s and 70s, but psychedelics are bad and they'll rot your brain. And I don't know, man.
00:06:15But I know it works. And I know that I'm not on a single medication. Nothing. Not a pain pill,
00:06:21not an SSRI, not an Ambien, nothing. Nothing.
00:06:28What do you think happened?
00:06:30It killed everything I had inside me that was bad. All my addictions, everything. So I'm not addicted
00:06:37to anything. Anything I do now, it's because I want to, which isn't necessarily always a good thing,
00:06:41because I like to do some bad shit too. But it resets the whole baseline. Like everything that I was
00:06:47struggling with, it swiped it all the way. That becomes an issue if you try to reintegrate. And
00:06:52that's what I tell the guys now. The version of me that came back from Mexico was so far out from
00:06:57the person that my wife had come accustomed to for the last 10 years, she didn't believe it.
00:07:04If you watch the film, you'll get to see it in real time. When I was going through the Ibogaine,
00:07:09my wife hacked my phone and found out about all the affairs, simultaneous. So I don't have my cell
00:07:15phone for five days. So the whole time I'm going through, she's getting lawyers and divorcing me,
00:07:21boxed all my stuff, took it to the shop, dropped it off, drew up divorce papers.
00:07:25It's a hell of a reintegration.
00:07:27Cousin.
00:07:28Got an ultrasound photo. She's got it all. She saw everything I had done.
00:07:34Now action. So when I come out of the medicine, they give you your cell phone right before you
00:07:39cross the border. They give you a little script to say like, Hey, I'm, I'm so happy to be on the
00:07:43other side of the medicine. I can't wait to come home and see you and explain everything. It's just
00:07:47too much to put into a text or into a phone call. So I'd rather just not talk until I see you live.
00:07:51That's what you're supposed to say. So everybody goes out there. I'll call their wives. Hey,
00:07:55hey, hey, straight to voicemail. Well, typical, my wife never answers her phone. Anyway,
00:08:02text her doesn't go through my collar. Nothing, nothing, nothing like three, four hours, nothing.
00:08:09I'm getting ready to fly home. We're going from San Diego to Atlanta, Atlanta to Norfolk.
00:08:13We leave, we land in Atlanta. As soon as I power my phone in Atlanta,
00:08:19I get a notification. The password, your Instagram has been changed.
00:08:25And I flick it over and it's my ghost account. I'm like, call.
00:08:29Now the password email has been changed. I was like, oh no. Shit. I'm not even going to have
00:08:35a chance to tell her now. Like now there's no integration. Now I've lost everything. I went
00:08:40out to Mexico. I've got this new version of myself, but I'll never be able to show it to her.
00:08:43She's not taking me back after this. And then everything kind of went from there. Dicey dude. Dicey.
00:08:54You want to hear about it? We land in Norfolk. We drive into the shop. I get out. My other two
00:09:02business partners time. All their families are out there. All the employees are out there. Hugs and
00:09:06kisses. And I can feel the tension. The other wives know. A couple of the employees they know
00:09:12because they've seen my wife bringing in boxes for the last three days, stacking in my office.
00:09:16Still haven't got a hold of her, but I'm still not totally sure. Like there's a chance that
00:09:20by some freak mystery. And then I get into the building and I walk upstairs and I open up my
00:09:28office and I mean floor to ceiling. There must've been 25, 30 boxes. Every one was perfectly folded.
00:09:35Socks, underwear, black t-shirts, normal t-shirts, jeans, this, this, military. Everything I owned was
00:09:41in those boxes. I'm like, I looked over and the other two wives are staying out there with my two
00:09:48business partners. I'm like, what's going on? They have no idea. And I just looked and I was like,
00:09:53gave him a hug, kissed him on my cheek. I was like, see you on Monday. Fist bump knowing I was never
00:09:57going to see him on Monday. Went straight downstairs. We've got a big armory. Grabbed my pistol,
00:10:03shoved him in my waistband, jumped in my truck and drove. Got in my car and I was driving out to,
00:10:07um, it was a private beach on the backside of this military base. We used to have a house. We'd lived
00:10:11out there. It's a one shot road and it's probably about a 20 minute drive. And I was probably 10
00:10:17minutes into this drive and it terminates. It's a dead end. And she was tracking my cell phone. We had
00:10:23to share my iPhone. So she knew where I was going and I got about 10 minutes down and she called my phone
00:10:28and dude, my heart rate is at 190. It's like, I can't pick it up. And I almost didn't. It's like,
00:10:37I pick it up and I was like, hello. She goes, where are you and what are you doing? And I said,
00:10:42Patsy, I, I, honey, I don't have the strength in me. I don't have the strength to see you right now.
00:10:48And she's like, where are you going? I said, I don't want to talk about it.
00:10:51Um, I'm just so fucking sorry. And I hung up the phone, made it down there and backed into a parking
00:10:57spot. And I put on a song and I told myself at the end of the song, as soon as it was done,
00:11:02I was going to get out. I was going to walk down the beach to the water's edge,
00:11:05waste deep water. I was going to shoot myself in the head, close the whole thing. I'll just be done.
00:11:09Nope. No, goodbye. No sad story. No, nothing. Just let me close this thing out and be done.
00:11:15And as soon as I backed in, she had already told two or three of the wives that lived on
00:11:19that road that I was driving down there. They had jumped out with their husbands and had flanked me
00:11:24and were staged all around the vehicle because they didn't know what I was going to do.
00:11:29I guess they were going to try to apprehend me or something.
00:11:32What was the song you chose?
00:11:34Experience by Ludovico. You ever heard it? Yeah, you have. Guaranteed.
00:11:40Okay. We'll pull it in a little bit.
00:11:44That song had probably, God, man, 30 seconds left, maybe. Maybe 30 seconds left.
00:11:51And she called again. And I looked up and she was right there, driving down the road. I was like,
00:11:55oh, fuck. I'm sitting on the back of my truck. I've got a pistol right next to me,
00:11:59just waiting for the song then. Here we go. She pulls right up, walks over.
00:12:04I've never seen anybody as strong as her, ever. And she walked right up, opened my legs up and
00:12:10walked up, essentially crotch to crotch and leaned over and pulled my sunglasses off. And then it
00:12:13exploded in hysteria. My eyes were crystal clear. They were green for the first time in a decade.
00:12:19She saw it. She knew that something had happened. And we just laid there or stood there, held each
00:12:26other and just bawled. And she backed up and she goes, how the fuck could you do this to me?
00:12:32I don't know. I don't know. I don't have any excuse. Went through the whole thing and I told her, I was
00:12:39like, I know there's no way we're going to work this out. I know there's no way you're ever going to let
00:12:43me see my kids again. I know this, I know this, I know this. I just want an opportunity to say goodbye
00:12:48to them. And she said, DJ, we've come so far right now. Look, we've been through so much together.
00:12:56We've been together since I was 22. We've been through so much right now. We don't have to stay
00:13:01married. You can't close this out right now. We'll solve it tomorrow. Let's go. Get in the car. Let's
00:13:10go home. Let's see the girls. Let's pretend like this hasn't happened and we'll deal with it tomorrow.
00:13:16Let's not ruin this for them. They're excited to see you. Let's just, we'll shelf it. She put all
00:13:21that shit on the back burner. Right after that, she goes, but before we do, I want to hear it. I
00:13:28want to hear everything. Everything what? Every detail, every ounce of it, every single person,
00:13:35every single date, tell me everything right now. That way I never have to ask you again.
00:13:41And I did. We sat down and we went through everything I had done, all the affairs, everything.
00:13:48And we got through it right then. We went back home that night, reintegrated with the kids,
00:13:52and we sat down on the edge of my bed and I scrolled to my phone and every person who was of conflict or
00:13:58potential conflict, I blocked and deleted their contact. Everybody, family members, anybody,
00:14:03anybody who had been toxic in my life that I'd been trying to foster that relationship or anything else.
00:14:08They're different in the SEAL teams. I need to control the controllables. And right now, all of this is a
00:14:13bandwidth suck. And I'm not doing it ever again. That one guy that every time he calls, my heart
00:14:18kind of drops a little bit like, God, what does this guy want? Block and delete, block and delete.
00:14:21Probably 150 people gone. And then I told her, I was like, we don't have to stay married. We can get divorced.
00:14:28We can do whatever we want to. I'm just asking you for one singular day to show you that I've changed.
00:14:33And then the day I don't, I want you to shit hand me. As soon as it happens, we went and signed paperwork,
00:14:39signed a post and up all this stuff. I'm like, as soon as I do anything, she's got the house,
00:14:44she's got this, all my assets, giving her, take it all. I don't want a single thing. I just want
00:14:49one day. And I take it set. I take it one day at a time, every single day. It's been the greatest
00:14:53thing to ever happen to us. We, our relationship is so badass. Now, if, if you sit in a room with me and
00:15:00her together, we'll be your two favorite people. She is a fucking unicorn, man. She is. She is truly
00:15:07my best friend now. And I feel so guilty because I put her on the back burner for so long because I
00:15:12knew that I could. She never left, never strayed away. She is the ultimate team wife. And I just,
00:15:19I refuse to see it for the longest time. That is the thing that haunts me now. I don't have any PTSD.
00:15:25People are like, oh, thank you for your service. Like, don't thank me for my service. Like I would
00:15:27have paid to do that job. I'm like, oh, you must be so torn up on the things you had to do. Like, no,
00:15:32no, not a bit. I loved every ounce of it. Even the bad stuff. I loved it. I love the people I
00:15:37sacrificed to be able to do the selfish things I wanted to do. Her, most of all, hard man. But I'll
00:15:43tell you what, that medicine, that is, that's the only reason you don't get to navigate through that
00:15:49with marriage counseling and talk therapy and date nights every Tuesday. That ain't going to get you
00:15:54through that. It's not. And that was our big conflict is I had changed so much over those five
00:15:59days that she thought it was bullshit. She's like, there's no way you went from that guy to this guy
00:16:05in five days. Like, I don't know how else to show you, except you got to go do a journey.
00:16:12I got her to go down and do psilocybin and 5-MeO-DMT.
00:16:17Why the, why not the Ibogaine?
00:16:20She thought Ibogaine would be too strong for her. I'm going to get her to go do Ibogaine with me.
00:16:24We're going to do a couple's journey together at some point, but I got her to do
00:16:28to essentially the same people, psilocybin, 5-MeO. And then we did it one together with
00:16:33psilocybin, MDMA, and 5-MeO. By the time we finished those, she knew exactly what it was. She's like,
00:16:40he's changed, for sure. She's like, you can't. Like, I just did psilocybin and she is so different
00:16:46from the person she was that everything made sense now.
00:16:50Why are you continuing to go back to do more Ibogaine if you think that you've already
00:16:54made the realizations that you needed?
00:16:57The second time I went down there is because I was taking somebody else. One of my buddies,
00:17:01really on the struggle bus, about to end it all. And I was like, hey man, I'll go with you. I had no
00:17:07intention of doing the medicine with him. And when I got down there, he's like, what do you mean you're
00:17:10not going to do it? I'll do it. Give it to me. I threw it right down. No prep, no warm-up,
00:17:15and just sent it. I was like, hey man, I told you, there's nothing to be afraid of.
00:17:19You cold barred Ibogaine.
00:17:20Oh, send it. I've gone down there two or three times to host. You'll cook meals,
00:17:26you'll do dishes. Keep on getting roped into it.
00:17:27And then this last time we did it for the film, I had a buddy of mine who got shot up really bad
00:17:31on my second deployment. He was like an idol to me. And he was just struggling really,
00:17:35really hard, man. And I convinced him to go down there. And I told him, I was like,
00:17:39I'll stop whatever I am doing. It's in the film. But I was like, anything. I don't care what I'm
00:17:43doing. If I'm on this fucking Rogan and you call me, I'll get up in the middle of the interview.
00:17:47I'll fly to San Diego and we'll go together. And he did. I couldn't believe he did. He called me.
00:17:51He goes, whenever you're ready, I'm ready to go. How's Saturday? And he's like,
00:17:58if you'll fly out here, I'll go. I was on a plane 24 hours. I flew out there,
00:18:01took him down to Mexico and did the whole thing. It's funny. You're on a hair trigger alert to go
00:18:06and kill people around the world for quite a while. And you're on a hair trigger alert to go and save
00:18:09people. And I began now. Amen. Like I get so much more benefit out of saving people through mental
00:18:14health than I ever did killing people. And I love killing people. Best job you'll ever have.
00:18:19But now, you know, he got through that whole experience and then we made it probably another
00:18:23year and a half and he was ready to go again. And same thing. He's like, I don't know if I could do it again.
00:18:28I'll send it. It's all right. We went down again. I flew out to San Diego and I cold called him and
00:18:35I was like, Hey man, do you remember when you said you needed me to go to Mexico with you? And he's
00:18:40like, yeah, I'm in San Diego. The bus leaves from Mexico in 30 minutes. Don't let me down. He did.
00:18:46His girlfriend dropped him off, gave him to me. None of the backpack. We went down to Mexico and he's
00:18:50never been better. I don't know, man, but I do know that it's magic. When you take that medicine,
00:19:00you cannot believe it grows in the earth. You can't believe it. I can't believe that people
00:19:06have used that for thousands of years and it has not been more mainstream. You can't quantify it.
00:19:11There's nothing on this planet. I've taken every drug there is. Everything. I've taken a bunch of
00:19:14weird stuff too during the transition. There's nothing like that. Every ounce of your addiction
00:19:20is gone instantly. It's crazy. What about for people who don't have addictions?
00:19:24Everybody has addictions. Sometimes it's your own ego. Whatever you have going on, depression,
00:19:30suicide ideation, substance abuse, women, whatever it is, whatever your thing is, you just don't feel
00:19:36right anymore. I'd go do that. Jared, you ever considered that you might have a drinking problem?
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00:19:53I'm sorry, man. I just kept chugging away for the regret to creep in. Never happened.
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00:20:46Congratulations. You made it to the end of a clip and the full-length episode is available
00:20:51right here. Go on.