3 Questions That Reveal What Your Life Is Missing - Arthur Brooks
CChris Williamson
Mental HealthAdult EducationParentingMarriage
Transcript
00:00:00How can people work out the meaning that they've got in their life? What are the big questions they should ask?
00:00:05Yeah. So, there are three big why questions that constitute meaning. And this actually comes from the work of Michael Steger, who's a really good social psychologist in Colorado.
00:00:19And he has the three parts, the three elements of meaning, which are called coherence, purpose, and significance. And there are three why questions.
00:00:29Number one is, you have to have an answer to the question, you know, why are things happening the way they are in my life?
00:00:34You know, things are happening all around me all the time. Why? Part of meaning is having an answer to that.
00:00:38Maybe that's your religious answer, like because of the mind of God. Maybe that's your scientific answer, because these are the laws of the universe.
00:00:46Maybe you're a conspiracy theorist and say, because powerful people are doing these things. Conspiracy theories are nothing more than crying out for an answer to the coherence question, which is a meaning problem.
00:00:58A relative is going down the rabbit hole on the craziest conspiracy theories. You don't throw data in their face and say, you moron.
00:01:05That's the wrong way to approach it. They're having a meaning crisis. They're having a happiness crisis, is the reason they're doing this in the first place.
00:01:11So, coherence, number one, you know, why things happen the way they do.
00:01:13Second, why am I doing what I'm doing? That's purpose. Purpose and meaning are not the same.
00:01:18Purpose is goals and direction so you can make progress. So, why am I doing what I'm doing? And if the answer is, I don't know, then you can't make progress.
00:01:27Because when you're just going in circles, you're just a carnival cruise ship just kind of randomly going around and around and around and around.
00:01:34That's the reason I find cruises unbelievably depressing. They don't go someplace, right?
00:01:38I'm a teleological individual like you. I want a goal, right? And that's purpose.
00:01:43And so, in the research, you know, Sonia Lewa-Mirsky's stuff. Have you had her on the show?
00:01:48She's coming on next week or the week after?
00:01:51Super good.
00:01:51She's awesome. And she's at UC Riverside. And she does these work on goals. And you'll give students these just random goals.
00:01:57Like, you're getting a B-minus in physics, you know. Let's get a B-plus this semester. Just that goal.
00:02:04They get happier. They get more directed. Life seems better because they have more meaning in their life.
00:02:09That's what it comes down to. Even arbitrary goals work. Better to have meaningful goals.
00:02:13And last but at least is significance. And that's my life matters. You know, my life matters to someone, you know, to my dog, to my wife, to God, to my kids.
00:02:24And so, that's the love question. And all these things are completely missing in modern culture for so many people.
00:02:30You know, why do things happen the way that they do? It's just random. I don't know. Why am I doing what I'm doing?
00:02:34I have no idea. I get up and I scroll. I get up and I surf. I get up and I go on a Zoom meeting for a company I don't really care about.
00:02:43And, you know, what is the significance of my life? Why does my life matter? I don't think it does.
00:02:49And those are the three things to actually keep in mind.
00:02:53What happens psychologically when life feels random?
00:02:55When life feels random, then it feels like anything could happen at any time and there is no control.
00:03:00There are no levers that you can actually pull. So, you're not an active player in your own life when there is no coherence.
00:03:07When you don't see a pattern, it's a big problem. You know, when you, when you, you remember when you learned to drive?
00:03:13How old do you have to be in the UK?
00:03:1517.
00:03:16Okay. And when you first, you know, you got a lot of confidence, but when you're looking at the traffic and like, it's like, it's like chaos.
00:03:23Wildly intimidating.
00:03:24I learned to drive in a mini, which is a very British way to do it, but it's fucking terrifying.
00:03:28You're like half the height of everybody else.
00:03:30Yeah. And, you know, any, any system that you're in that doesn't seem to make sense, that's that, that, that it tends to feel really, really meaningless because you don't know what you can actually do to have some sense of agency.
00:03:43There's no sense of agency when there is no coherence is what it comes down to.
00:03:46So, for example, if you believe that things happen the way they do, because that's what God wills, then you're going to try to work that lever.
00:03:54You're going to pray. For example, you don't have a relationship with God.
00:03:56If you believe it's because of the laws of science, you're going to learn more about science and you're going to actually enter into that particular dimension.
00:04:03So, for example, I'm a behavioral scientist. I really believe in science.
00:04:06I really believe that it's just like, it gives you incredible amounts of power.
00:04:09My job is to explain the science and explain how people can interact with the science.
00:04:14It's a pure coherence play is what it comes down to.
00:04:17And if it's all about conspiracy theories, then I'm going to get online and, you know, share them with my friends.
00:04:22So that, that's why coherence really matters so that you can have agency over your life.
00:04:26And why are directionless people so psychologically fragile?
00:04:30They're fragile because they don't know actually in which direction that they're going, which means they can't make progress.
00:04:35Now, remember, this whole idea of happiness comes from making progress toward a goal.
00:04:39And there's tons of really interesting examples of this.
00:04:42The weight loss literature is super interesting in this.
00:04:45So diets are all effective and they're all catastrophic failures is what it comes down to.
00:04:51Effective insofar is that almost any diet will make you lose weight, but they have between an 80 and 95% failure rate after a year, meaning you gain all the weight back and then some.
00:05:01It's the weird industry.
00:05:03It's like a $40 billion industry in the United States that fails.
00:05:06It's poroboros of nutritional advice.
00:05:09It's craziness.
00:05:10You know, nine out of 10 times they fail.
00:05:12Now, why are they successful?
00:05:15Because economically, it's because temporarily they make you make progress, but they ultimately fail because once you get to your goal, your goal weight, the reward is never getting to eat what you like ever again for the rest of your life.
00:05:30Congratulations.
00:05:31And then you get the arrival fallacy is what it comes down to.
00:05:35So what you want in life is something where you can just make constant progress.
00:05:38I want to be a better dad.
00:05:40I want to be a better person.
00:05:42I want to create more value with my work.
00:05:44And there's no end to that.
00:05:45I can't be like, well, I got to the best dad I can possibly be, so that's all good.
00:05:50No, I can always work to be a better husband.
00:05:52I can always work to be a better friend.
00:05:53I can always work to be a better citizen.
00:05:55I can always work to love my country more.
00:05:57I can always work to actually do something more important in my work and reach more people with the moral objectives that I have.
00:06:05And that's what I need.
00:06:06I need goals I can't meet.
00:06:10I think that the confusing thing is if significance is about being valuable to others and not famous, why is it the case that modern people confuse the two?
00:06:20Part of the reason is because what strivers, they get into, there's actually a pathology that is in the middle of this.
00:06:29So what you find is that certain people, let me back up a little bit.
00:06:35I work, I'm sort of the striver whisperer in my work.
00:06:38I specialize in people who do incredible things, right?
00:06:41And that's just because that's fun, although it is, but because that's the kind of books that I write.
00:06:46You know, people who do amazing things and still don't have perfect lives.
00:06:50That's kind of my area of research, as a matter of fact.
00:06:54They have a common childhood, and it kind of looks like this.
00:06:58You know, super strivers who are never satisfied and struggle, they, generally speaking, found that they only got attention and affection from their parents when they did something, when they got good grades, when they made pitcher on the baseball team, when they made first chair in the orchestra, when they, right?
00:07:15When they, you know, set up a lemonade stand and made more money than anybody thought possible, whatever it was, right?
00:07:20And their parents, often their parents are immigrants or came from poverty, and they'll reward their kids when they do a thing, thinking that they're actually wiring in success and happiness for their kids.
00:07:31What they're telling their kids is that love is earned.
00:07:34They're teaching their kids that love is earned, and they, kids will learn that.
00:07:38And when your brain is synaptically plastic, boy, will you ever learn that lesson.
00:07:41And then you will go through life trying to earn love over and over and over and over again.
00:07:46You'll look for, if you're a man, you'll look for women who make you earn their love, right?
00:07:51And that you'll spend your marriage trying to bring in more and more and more and more money, for example.
00:07:56Women will try to stay young forever by trying to earn their husband's love.
00:08:00You'll find that they will surround themselves with sycophants and yes-men who are just like fake friends who make these people earn their love with gifts and favors.
00:08:11And fanciness, and you'll surround yourself with people because you believe that love is actually earned.
00:08:16Well, the truth is that that's wrong.
00:08:18Real love isn't earned.
00:08:19It's a free gift, freely given.
00:08:21It's a grace.
00:08:22Anybody who makes you earn their love doesn't love you.
00:08:25That's what it comes down to.
00:08:27But they don't learn that because that's actually what they've evolved over the course of their lives.
00:08:34And they become success addicts, winning addicts, looking for the specialness.
00:08:40And in the modern economy, when you can metastasize that from one to your family, to your community, to your church, to your city, to the whole world on the internet, then you're going to be searching for the adoration of strangers because it's the best possible dopamine hit that you can get.
00:08:58And life is going to feel gray if you don't get it.
00:09:01So this is a pathology that actually people have.
00:09:03And the more talented you are, the more danger you're in.
00:09:06You might not believe me, but this is what peak sleep optimization looks like.
00:09:12I'm not talking about the nightgown.
00:09:14It's just for sex appeal.
00:09:15I'm talking about my 8sleep.
00:09:17The 8sleep Pod 5 comes with a smart cover you throw on your mattress that actively cools or heats each side of the bed up to 20 degrees.
00:09:23And now they've added the world's first temperature-regulating duvet and pillowcase.
00:09:27So you've got 360-degree coverage for deep, uninterrupted rest.
00:09:30It's like being Walt Disney without the cryogenic chamber.
00:09:35And the racism.
00:09:36Best of all, their autopilot feature learns your sleep patterns and makes adjustments to improve your sleep in real time.
00:09:41It even detects when you're snoring and lifts your head a few inches to help you breathe better.
00:09:44That's why 8sleep has been clinically proven to add up to one hour of quality sleep per night.
00:09:48They have a 30-day sleep trial, so you can buy it and sleep on it for 29 nights.
00:09:52If you don't like it, they will give you your money back.
00:09:55Plus, they ship internationally.
00:09:56Right now, you can get up to $350 off the Pod 5 by going to the link in the description below.
00:10:01Or heading to 8sleep.com slash modernwisdom and using the code modernwisdom at checkout.
00:10:05That's E-I-G-H-T-Sleep.com slash modernwisdom and modernwisdom at checkout.
00:10:11Congratulations!
00:10:12You made it to the end of a clip and the full-length episode is available right here.
00:10:17Go on.