Transcript
00:00:00Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation for so long that when it finally happened everything
00:00:04just exploded over something ridiculously small? Or have you ever told yourself, you know what,
00:00:09enough's enough, I'm going to be completely honest from here on in, only to make the situation worse
00:00:14because you were too damn honest? Or has someone ever said to you, I'm fine, but you knew it meant
00:00:19the opposite? I used to find myself in all three of these situations, but after reading crucial
00:00:23conversations, I finally understood why this kept happening, why I was stuck in situations where
00:00:28there'd be so much miscommunication. And in this video, I want to share with you the top three
00:00:32lessons from this book that changed how I approach difficult conversations. So I could speak up before
00:00:38resentment started to build up. So I could be honest without making people sad, angry, or shut down.
00:00:43And to finally hear what people were actually trying to say. My name's Vin, and for more than a decade,
00:00:49I've taught millions of people how to be better communicators. And this year, I became an author.
00:00:54So to celebrate, I'm sharing the biggest lessons that I've learned from communication books,
00:00:58that have helped shape the person that I've become. And before I get into what this particular book
00:01:03taught me, you need to understand how badly I used to handle conflict. My natural approach to conflict
00:01:09was to say nothing and to avoid completely. I convinced myself that it wasn't worth bringing
00:01:15up. Then I would resent the person for failing to solve the problem I never told them existed.
00:01:19It was a flawless system. And that avoidance damaged so many of my relationships that I had.
00:01:24And many of them had the potential to be amazing. Because the problem doesn't disappear when you avoid
00:01:29the conversation. It just starts to go underground where you can't see it. It starts to build. It
00:01:34starts to simmer. A little frustration here. A small bit of disappointment there. Until eventually
00:01:38somebody explodes because a cup was left on the wrong bench and you didn't use a coaster. Which
00:01:43makes you think in the moment, what the hell? All of this happened because of a damn cup and no
00:01:48coaster? It was never about the cup nor the coaster. The cup and the coaster was the final straw
00:01:53that broke the donkey's back. So then instead of avoiding these conversation, I then overcorrected.
00:01:59I thought, you know what? Enough avoiding. From now on, I'm going to be 100% honest. And that didn't
00:02:05work either. I went from saying nothing to saying everything with force. And then the people around
00:02:11me became defensive. They became emotional. And sometimes I'd even shut down. You bottle things up
00:02:15and then the relationships explode. You share what you think and then relationships explode. What the hell?
00:02:20And crucial conversations finally started to help me understand what I was missing.
00:02:26Lesson number one. Watch for the moment safety collapses. The authors in the book explain that
00:02:31skilled communicators, they have dual processes. They're paying attention to the content of the
00:02:36conversation, what we're talking about, but they're also paying attention to the conditions of the
00:02:41conversation. Does this still feel safe enough for us to talk about? Because the moment safety starts to
00:02:47disappear, people generally move towards one of two things. They either move towards silence or they move
00:02:52towards violence. Silence doesn't always mean saying nothing. It can look like avoiding, changing the
00:02:57subject, sarcasm, or just agreeing with you while they're internally planning to ignore everything
00:03:02you've just said. And violence doesn't always mean physical violence either. It can sound like raising your
00:03:07voice, interrupting you, or using absolutes like you're always doing this. You never listen. And once that
00:03:14safety collapses, people stop hearing what you're saying. They don't hear your message clearly anymore.
00:03:19Even something harmless can sound like an attack. The skill is learning to notice the moment the
00:03:23conversation starts to change. And for me, I can often hear it before I can see it. The voice gets
00:03:29louder. The words become sharper. Then I see it in their faces. The tension around their eyes and the body
00:03:35pulling away. But the change doesn't always move towards anger. Sometimes it moves in the complete
00:03:41opposite direction. And one of the saddest ways I learned about this was with my mom. My mom often
00:03:46says she's fine. And for years, I only listened to the words, are you okay, mom? I'm fine. Great. Mom's
00:03:52fine. Moving on. But I wasn't hearing the pause before she answered. I didn't hear the exhaustion that was in
00:03:59her voice. And the worry that was in her eyes. There were so many moments in her life where she
00:04:04was dealing with health problems. And she went through so many of them alone. Because I just
00:04:10listened to the sentence and the words and completely missed everything surrounding it. As I started to
00:04:15become more aware of voice, emotion, body language, word choice, I started to notice so much more. When
00:04:21she says, I'm fine. I now can recognize that didn't sound fine. So instead of just moving on, I'd stay
00:04:29with her. I'd ask her another question. I'd say, Hey, mom, you don't sound like yourself. Are you sure
00:04:35you're doing okay? And then I'd create space. I don't jump in. I don't rush to tell her what to do that
00:04:40she needs to go to the doctors that I hears how you're going to solve it. I don't do any of that. I just
00:04:44create that space for her. And then eventually, she told me. Can you see from that example how a crucial
00:04:50conversation isn't just a dramatic argument between two people screaming at each other.
00:04:54Sometimes it's a moment when someone almost tells you the truth. And whether they continue or not
00:04:59depends on whether you notice or not. The most important part of what somebody is saying is
00:05:04often the part they're struggling to say. And this is something I teach in my own book before we forget
00:05:09how to connect, which is available for pre-order now. So if you want to support me and you want to get
00:05:13a copy of the book, make sure you go and pre-order yourself a copy. You know, one of the core sections of
00:05:18this book is dedicated to listening. Yeah, it's a skill. People aren't just born with that ability.
00:05:23Listening isn't only just hearing somebody's words, it's listening for the change in their voice,
00:05:28listening to the way they use their voice. Maybe it's the pauses, maybe it's the melody shifts,
00:05:32maybe it's the words that don't quite match everything else that they're showing. I teach this
00:05:37and so many more lessons that I've learned over the last 15 years as a communication skills coach.
00:05:42And if you pre-order the book today, you'll receive an exclusive pre-order bonus this month where you'll
00:05:47get a free ticket to join me live for my three-day event could break the mold that's happening in
00:05:52August, where you'll learn what communication habits are holding you back. We'll practice these new
00:05:57behaviors together online. So click the link in the description if you want to pre-order a copy and get
00:06:02the bonus or you can scan the QR code that's on screen. Okay, now onto lesson number two from
00:06:07Crucial Conversations. One of my favorite lines from Crucial Conversations is this:
00:06:11At the moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious, which sounds beautiful until
00:06:18somebody cuts you off in traffic. I remember once driving, somebody flew past me incredibly fast out
00:06:23of nowhere and I was furious. I got so upset. I was angry. I was pissed off. What an idiot. What kind
00:06:28of selfish person drives like that? You could have killed somebody. And then guess what happens? We both
00:06:32end up at the traffic light together, which is always so satisfying because as you're rolling up,
00:06:38you can start to turn to the side and you give them that evil instinct eye. And you wish you could say
00:06:42to them, "Congratulations, all that aggressive driving and you've just arrived three meters ahead
00:06:47of me." And as I'm about to give this person the stare, and you know the stare I'm talking about,
00:06:52the intentional expression for "I strongly disapprove of the way you operated your motor vehicle." But when
00:06:57I looked into the car, I saw a young lady crying. She was bawling her eyes out. And I don't have the full
00:07:04story about what was happening. But then in my head, everything changed when I saw the emotion
00:07:08that was on her face. Maybe something terrible had happened. Maybe she's rushing to the hospital to
00:07:14to see a parent, to see a family member. But that one extra piece of context that I got from seeing
00:07:19her emotions, it took the anger straight out of me. Moments earlier, I built this entire story about
00:07:26this person, how awful they were, selfish they were, how reckless they are as a human being. And then suddenly,
00:07:32the moment I saw the emotions, I now saw another possibility. This is one of the questions the authors
00:07:37encourage you and me to ask. Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person behave this way?
00:07:44Look, the reality is some people are dickheads. But this question at least forces you to consider
00:07:49that there may be more information that you don't have. And when somebody becomes quiet or they become
00:07:54emotional, the book gives us a framework called AMPP, which stands for Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase and Prime.
00:08:01Ask means inviting them to share. Hey, what's going on? Can you help me understand what happened?
00:08:07Mirror means pointing out their words and emotions that don't really seem to match each other. Hey,
00:08:13you're saying you're fine, but your voice doesn't sound fine. Paraphrasing means restating what you've
00:08:18heard like this. Hey, it sounds like you felt like you were left out of the decision. And I'll admit this,
00:08:24I used to feel really uncomfortable about paraphrasing because I thought, what am I a therapist?
00:08:28But paraphrasing isn't just merely parroting or you trying to be a therapist. You're now checking
00:08:35in whether or not you understood the meaning behind what they were saying. And Prime, this is for when
00:08:41they still won't open up. So you just softly offer a possible explanation. Are you upset that I made this
00:08:48decision without considering you? You're giving them something that they can confirm, reject or correct.
00:08:54The goal of AMPP isn't to interrogate somebody until they confess. It's to make it safer for them to
00:09:01show you the parts of the story that you actually haven't been exposed to yet. Because when someone
00:09:05joins a conversation angry or defensive, you're often entering their story halfway through. You don't
00:09:11have enough context. You didn't see the moment they felt excluded or the promise they thought you broke.
00:09:17In other words, you've entered the movie 40 minutes in and now you're angry and upset because the plot
00:09:23makes no sense. Curiosity in this moment helps you slow down, rewind the damn movie and catch up on
00:09:31what's actually happening. And finally, lesson three, start with the facts, not the story that you've
00:09:37invented in your own darn head. Human beings are extraordinary storytellers. Give us three facts
00:09:42and we'll create a six part Netflix series. One of my family members sometimes takes a really long
00:09:46time to reply to my messages. And then this is what happens. My brain doesn't think to itself,
00:09:50oh, they haven't replied yet. They must be busy. No, my brain thinks, oh, they don't care about this
00:09:55relationship. I always make the effort with them. They never make the effort. I reckon they hate me
00:09:59now. And now I'm emotionally reacting to a story that I wrote, directed and produced without ever
00:10:04speaking to the other character who happens to be the main character. The facts were simple. I sent some
00:10:10messages. It's been 24 hours. They haven't replied. That's it. Everything else was an interpretation. Later,
00:10:15I discovered they were dealing with life, their kids, appointments, stress, things that I didn't even
00:10:20know about. This book gives us another framework called STATE. S-T-A-T-E. Share your facts. Tell your
00:10:27story. Ask for their path. Talk tentatively. Encourage testing. In practice, it might sound like this.
00:10:35Hey, I've sent a few messages over the last couple of weeks and I haven't heard back.
00:10:40That's the fact. Then I started wondering whether everything's okay or whether maybe I've done
00:10:45something wrong or something to upset you. That's the story I've built from those facts. But notice
00:10:50I'm presenting it as a possibility, not as a verdict, not as a conclusion. Then I ask,
00:10:55am I reading that wrong? What's been happening on your end? Now I'm inviting their perspective and
00:11:01giving them permission to correct me. Compare that with, you clearly don't care about me. You don't give a
00:11:05shit about this relationship anymore. Can you see how there are two parts here? Two options for you to
00:11:10take. One where you fill it with curiosity and it leads to more understanding. And then the other path,
00:11:16you make all these false assumptions, create a story in your head and then it leads to the destruction
00:11:21of a relationship. Let me share with you another example. Early in my marriage, whenever my wife,
00:11:25Pei Wen, was upset with me, I always would make false assumptions in my own mind and assume that it was
00:11:30because of me, because I've done something wrong. And I'll do that immediately. And I take responsibility
00:11:35for something I didn't even create. But as we've learned to communicate better with the help of the
00:11:40frameworks from this wonderful book here, I've started to realize that the problem isn't always me. It
00:11:45isn't always me. Sometimes it's the bloody kids. Around 30% of the time, it is still me. That's fine.
00:11:52But 70% of the time, the kids are who have frustrated her. It actually wasn't me. The point is,
00:11:58the point is, as human beings, we're really good at taking the dots and connecting them and creating our
00:12:03own versions of what we think happened. The most important part of this lesson is that even if you
00:12:07have done that, and you have connected the dots, remember, it's still a series of assumptions that
00:12:11you've made. So be curious enough to always check in with the other person to see if you got it right.
00:12:16When I was younger, I thought crucial conversations were won by the person with the strongest argument.
00:12:22Then I swung the other way, and I avoided them completely. Crucial conversations has taught me,
00:12:27there's a better way. Truth without safety can feel like an attack. But safety without truth,
00:12:32well, it kind of becomes avoidance. Ha, the joys of adulting, hey? The real skill here is creating
00:12:39enough safety for honesty and curiosity to exist at the same time in the same conversation. To notice
00:12:45when the conditions have changed, and that's a skill in itself. To be curious before you become furious.
00:12:50I love that lesson from the book. And to separate the story that you've told yourself from what actually
00:12:56happened. Because the goal here is not to win the conversation. It's to make the conversation feel
00:13:01safe enough for you both or for both parties to be truthful with each other. Crucial conversations gave
00:13:07me a framework for discussions that I used to run away from. And I now can firmly say that many of my
00:13:13relationships have flourished as a result of reading this wonderful book. So to the authors, Joseph,
00:13:19Kerry, Ron, Al, Emily, you're all legends. Thank you so much for coming together and distilling your
00:13:24wisdom. So go ahead, make sure you get yourself a copy of Crucial Conversations. And if you want to go
00:13:30deeper in my work, get your copy of Before We Forget How to Connect, where I go into voice, body language,
00:13:36storytelling and listening. It's available for pre-order now. The link is in the description below.
00:13:41Or you can scan the QR code to get the pre-order bonus, which gives you a free ticket to join me for
00:13:45my three-day live event called Break the Mold. That's happening in August. That's coming up really soon.
00:13:50And if you missed the last video where I reviewed Dale Carnegie's book, click the video you see here.
00:13:56That's where I'm going to share with you the top three lessons that I took from the classic book,
00:14:01How to Win Friends and Influence People. I see you in the next one. All right. Take care. Bye.
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